As a few of you know, I used to post on an infertility message board. I hung around on their parenting-after-infertility board for the first few years, too. I didn't feel comfortable yet talking about parenting with people who took their fertility for granted. I wasn't sure if I ever would.
The question of "Why is my 1-year-old resisting solid food?" came up on a semi-regular basis. It was invariably answered by me with, "You might want to have an evaluation to rule out sensory aversions; it's free, it can't hurt, and it might help." And invariably, by another member, with, "You don't need that evaluation. Sensory issues with food would only happen on the autistic spectrum."
Now, I knew this was not true. Or...at least I was pretty sure. Bet must have been seen by a dozen professionals, by this point. All of them agreed he had sensory issues. None of them ever suggested he had autism; the few I was brave enough to ask, straight out, said there was no reason to even think it. But it wasn't just Bet. Every occupational therapist I'd ever spoken to said yes, sensory issues do overlap with autism, but of course you can have them on their own.
But the person saying this claimed to be an occupational therapist herself. So there was no arguing with her. I just walked around muttering to myself...and to you guys: What does it matter whether your daughter is supposed to have sensory issues? Isn't the question whether she actually does?
Fast forward a couple of years with me, okay? Bet has qualified for and received years of feeding therapy. He turns out to have had oral-motor weakness, as well as acid reflux, all of which made chewing and swallowing harder for him, but yes: there's no question a lot of it was just plain sensory. And it's not surprising, looking back. Because although food texture was the first place it emerged - at 7 months, in fact, the very first time I tried him on pureed peas - as he got older, it became obvious that he has sensory aversions in pretty much every modality: sight, sound, taste, smell, touch, motion.
So all this time, I've been thinking to myself, I know I was right, but I don't need to argue with anyone about it. We did the right thing for Bet. I don't even know these other babies; for all I know, they're just not ready for solid food, and everything will be fine.
Now fast forward to the present. And...Bet has just been diagnosed on the autistic spectrum.
Oh.
Er.
I guess I was wrong, huh?
No. No, I was even more right. Because here is the thing:
No one is going to diagnose a 1-year-old with autism.
Autism is rarely diagnosed before age 3; usually age 4. For a child like Bet, who has one of the mildest versions of ASD (and is borderline even for that), it can easily be as late as age 6.
Why on earth would anyone want to turn down help for a child who's afraid of food until then?
I will confess I thought about it for 10 seconds, but...I'm not selfless OR masochistic enough to go back there and argue this one again. But I wanted to say this out loud somewhere. Somewhere searchable. If there's anyone out there who needs to hear it, I hope they will.
***
Edited to add, because I know at least one friend who's going to panic about this tonight:
Please don't misunderstand; I am not saying that if your child is not eating solid food by age 1, you should start worrying that she's autistic. I just hate to see a parent who is already worried be told not to consider a here-and-now solution, for reasons that exist only in an unknowable future.
See your child for who she is. Don't let someone tell you who she's supposed to be.
That's it, for me.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
baby / bathwater
Dear pulpit rabbis, shul presidents, and gabbaim of the previous generation? world:
When you announce the night before that shofar blowing will be at 10:30,
- and then you don't finish shacharit till 11:15, which happens, I get it,
- but my kids have been waiting quietly for the shofar for 45 minutes, and they're not going to be able to do it much longer,
- and anyway, pretty soon they're going to need to go home for lunch,
- and then? you get up and make an uplifting speech for half an hour?
you are endangering my ability to hear shofar.
How's that for uplifting?
When I talk to people about this, I hear a lot of "It's always been like this. [shrug] What're you gonna do?" So here's a few things you could do instead:
- for Gd's sake (and I mean that literally), when the obligatory parts of tefilla are running late, skip your entirely optional speech. I'll note here that your service didn't end until close to 2 PM.
- if you feel you have to speak? at least announce that you're going to be speaking for about 30 minutes, so I don't sit there stuck, afraid that it's just a few introductory words, and if I take the kids outside to blow off steam (or even run home to bring back lunch, which it never occurred to me I would need at 10:30), I will miss shofar blowing before I can get them back inside.
- or, if you feel you have to speak? announce that people with children are welcome to step outside; but assure us that someone will come out to tell us when you get up to shofar blowing, so I know I won't miss it, even if you can't tell me yet when that's going to be.
I will freely grant that none of this is intentional disrespect for the needs of caregivers with young children - let's be real here: overwhelmingly women. But I don't see how you can argue it is not disregard. If you don't know how the things you are doing affect your congregants, then you need to ask. Ask your wife, sister, daughter or neighbor what contortions she went through to make the kids' feedings, naps, and medication doses match up with a schedule for which you give her no informational updates at all. Ask what time she arranged the babysitter for and how much it cost. Ask how big a duffle bag full of distractions/provisions she needed to bring.
And yes, I know most shuls nowadays have an afternoon shofar blowing in case you miss the one in the morning. I do appreciate that. I just don't think it's enough - not when a little courtesy would make it entirely workable in the morning. Not when I'm already here trying to make it work in the morning. Not when my children are already here trying. And frankly, knowing how many things can go wrong with timing & little kids? I don't feel safe pinning all my chances on the afternoon, either.
I'm a lot calmer about this now than I was two days ago. I even considered not writing about it. But I don't think anyone who is angered by what goes on in the observant world can afford to suck it up in silence. For every one of us who speaks up, you don't know how many others are so turned off, they just don't come back.
Sincerely,
Persephone
When you announce the night before that shofar blowing will be at 10:30,
- and then you don't finish shacharit till 11:15, which happens, I get it,
- but my kids have been waiting quietly for the shofar for 45 minutes, and they're not going to be able to do it much longer,
- and anyway, pretty soon they're going to need to go home for lunch,
- and then? you get up and make an uplifting speech for half an hour?
you are endangering my ability to hear shofar.
How's that for uplifting?
When I talk to people about this, I hear a lot of "It's always been like this. [shrug] What're you gonna do?" So here's a few things you could do instead:
- for Gd's sake (and I mean that literally), when the obligatory parts of tefilla are running late, skip your entirely optional speech. I'll note here that your service didn't end until close to 2 PM.
- if you feel you have to speak? at least announce that you're going to be speaking for about 30 minutes, so I don't sit there stuck, afraid that it's just a few introductory words, and if I take the kids outside to blow off steam (or even run home to bring back lunch, which it never occurred to me I would need at 10:30), I will miss shofar blowing before I can get them back inside.
- or, if you feel you have to speak? announce that people with children are welcome to step outside; but assure us that someone will come out to tell us when you get up to shofar blowing, so I know I won't miss it, even if you can't tell me yet when that's going to be.
I will freely grant that none of this is intentional disrespect for the needs of caregivers with young children - let's be real here: overwhelmingly women. But I don't see how you can argue it is not disregard. If you don't know how the things you are doing affect your congregants, then you need to ask. Ask your wife, sister, daughter or neighbor what contortions she went through to make the kids' feedings, naps, and medication doses match up with a schedule for which you give her no informational updates at all. Ask what time she arranged the babysitter for and how much it cost. Ask how big a duffle bag full of distractions/provisions she needed to bring.
And yes, I know most shuls nowadays have an afternoon shofar blowing in case you miss the one in the morning. I do appreciate that. I just don't think it's enough - not when a little courtesy would make it entirely workable in the morning. Not when I'm already here trying to make it work in the morning. Not when my children are already here trying. And frankly, knowing how many things can go wrong with timing & little kids? I don't feel safe pinning all my chances on the afternoon, either.
I'm a lot calmer about this now than I was two days ago. I even considered not writing about it. But I don't think anyone who is angered by what goes on in the observant world can afford to suck it up in silence. For every one of us who speaks up, you don't know how many others are so turned off, they just don't come back.
Sincerely,
Persephone
Thursday, August 2, 2012
superhero meta
BET: Abba can we play Star Wars? You be Darth Vader and I'll be Luke.
LANCE: Okay.
BET: Darth Vader! You must leave the dark side and be good. Or I will have to fight you.
LANCE: No. YOU must come to the DARK side.
BET: No! You have to be good. That's the right thing.
LANCE: Maybe being bad is the right thing.
BET: No! Being good is the right thing.
LANCE: How do you know?
BET: My teacher told me. Master Yoda.
LANCE: Well, my teacher told ME being BAD is the right thing.
BET:
BET: Hold on Abba let's stop playing for a second. Being good IS the right thing, right?
LANCE: Okay.
BET: Darth Vader! You must leave the dark side and be good. Or I will have to fight you.
LANCE: No. YOU must come to the DARK side.
BET: No! You have to be good. That's the right thing.
LANCE: Maybe being bad is the right thing.
BET: No! Being good is the right thing.
LANCE: How do you know?
BET: My teacher told me. Master Yoda.
LANCE: Well, my teacher told ME being BAD is the right thing.
BET:
BET: Hold on Abba let's stop playing for a second. Being good IS the right thing, right?
---
BET: Hi! I'm Batman!
[goes out; comes back in without cape]
BET: Hi! I'm Bruce Wayne!
PERSEPHONE: Hey, did you see Batman? He was just here a minute ago.
BET: Nope! Didn't see him.
PPHONE: Huh. It's so strange the way I never see you two in the same room at the same time.
BET: Oh, that's because I uh...go away on a trip with Abba when he's here.
PPHONE: Ohhhh. So it's just a coincidence?
BET: A what?
PPHONE: That's when two things happen at the same time, but they have nothing to do with each other.
BET:
BET: Eema hold on let's stop playing a minute. [stage whispers] I'M TRICKING YOU.
BET: Eema hold on let's stop playing a minute. [stage whispers] I'M TRICKING YOU.
PPHONE: [stage whispers back] I KNOW.
BET: OHHHH. YOU'RE JUST *PRETENDING* YOU DON'T KNOW.
PPHONE: RIGHT.
BET: Okay! Let's keep playing.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
the year in quotes: now we are six!!!*
*i've only been waiting six years to say that
ALEPH: eema, you can't sit on the sofa anymore. i made it something that explodes.
ALEPH: ♪ i throw luke skywalker in the air sometimes / saying aaaay-o ♪
[overheard from kids' room]
ALEPH: [bellowing] I AM NOT 'OLD CHUM'!
BET: [peeks head around bathroom door] can you pretend to be catwoman?
PPHONE: i...okay.
BET: [closes door again]
[overheard from kids' room]
"DON'T. CALL ME. PROFESSOR. POOPY."
ALEPH: see bet, you broke mine. now, i'm not gonna punish you; i just want you to know that it wasn't good.
[I Do Not Think That Means What You Think It Means]
ALEPH [crying]: i got hurt. but i don't want to tell you how.
US: we kind of need to know.
ALEPH: fine. i accidentally stood on a rocking chair.
ALEPH: if superman didn't have a weakness, i would be him so much more often.
BET: [after bath] ♪naked naked naked, banana-fana-fak-ed♪
ALEPH: when [hop] you [hop] finish [hop] the dishes [hop] i [hop] want [hop] to do [hop] an [hop] activiteeeeeeee
ALEPH: [falsetto] ♪i like cows / yes i do / i like cows / how about yoooooou♪
ALEPH: [crying] bet, you can't pick that up! i wanted to pick it up!
BET: well, sometimes you get to pick it up; sometimes you don't.
ALEPH: [still crying] but i wanted to!
BET: *sigh* okay. i will put it back down on the floor, and this time you can pick it up.
LANCE: everyone remember the rules about throwing water at the park?
ALEPH: i...remember you have rules, i just don't remember what they are.
PPHONE: [very late and lost my directions]
BET: eema? eema? eema?
PPHONE: i'm busy right now, bet. i'm busy. I'M BUSY! DO YOU HEAR ME TELLING YOU?
[finally find my directions.]
PPHONE: okay. hi, bet. what's going on?
BET: I'M BUSY! REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE BUSY? NOW I'M BUSY!
BET: where do we live?
LANCE: where do you think we live?
BET: ...africa?
ALEPH: see bet, the thing is, i'm starting to get more into star wars and science than superfriends.
BET: i need something to eat.
PPHONE: raisins?
BET: there is none.
PPHONE: no, there are! i'll give you some.
BET: oh RAISINS! i thought you said reasons.
BET: [follows me into bathroom; shuts door] i'm just closing that to make sure aleph gives you privacy.
BET: [aims cardboard tube at me] i'm switching out your brain!
BET [from bathroom] uh oh.
PPHONE: what?
BET: uh oh.
PPHONE: what??
BET: nothing! i was just pretending something was wrong.
BET: i'm batman! this is my bat-pooper!
BOYS [both out of bed]: eema? you didn't give us hugs & kisses goodnight.
PPHONE: yes i did.
BOYS: well we don't remember you giving them!
PPHONE: [heartless] sorry.
BET: cut! cut! cut! i'm cutting off your fingers!
BET: let's lie down and snuggle.
ALEPH: can i tell you something, han solo?
BET: i'm very upset with darth vader.
PPHONE: why?
BET: he sent me a birthday card. it said bad things.
PPHONE: wait, who are you??
BET: batman!
[Road Tripping]
LANCE: deer crossing sign!
PPHONE: deer crossing sign!
ALEPH: deer crossing sign!
[everyone waits]
BET: yup!
[...Road Tripping Too Long]
ALEPH: i met a man and he said, i haven't had a jump all day! so i jumped on him! HAHAHAHA!
BET: HAHAHAHA!
BET: [being tickled] HAHAHAHAHAstop that's too funny
ALEPH: eema, i know the problem isn't your fault, but it is something you're doing.
BET: i don't think you can buy luke skywalker at the store.
ALEPH: iiiiiii believe you're wrong.
BET: [glaring at me] why do we have to go pick blueberries, if we already HAVE BLUEBERRIES.
BET: [glaring, in green lantern mask]
PPHONE: why do you look so angry?
BET: [gritting teeth] green lanterns are ALWAYS ANGRY.
ALEPH: [also in green lantern mask] eema, can i sit on your lap?
BET: green lanterns NEVER say sit on your LAP!
[mid-chess game]
ALEPH: abba, i think what i have you is called 'on the run.'
BET: eema, guess what! we saw spiderman in times square! and i asked him if he was real! and he said yes! but i don't know if that was true.
PPHONE: wow. i think maybe he was a real person, but maybe not the real spiderman.
BET: yeah. i think maybe he was peter parker.
BET: aleph, i thought you said you were going to watch over the toaster.
ALEPH: no! i'm combining human DNA with dinosaurs.
[looking at pictures of jewelry]
BET: ooh, those are fancy. wish you could buy ME something fancy. wait! my knight-hat is fancy!
[overheard from kids' room] "you can't trust your computer! you can only trust me!"
[overheard from kids' room] "if you let me be your master, it will WORK!"
BET [yelling]: you're not the boss of me!
ALEPH [yelling back]: yes i -! [pause.] i KNOW that, but -!
[overheard from kids' room]
ALEPH: excuse me bet, are you sure you know what you're doing?
BET: of coooourse i do
ALEPH: eema! i kind of did a stand-head!
ALEPH: eema, how did super grover get his powers?
ALEPH: i met a man walking down the street and he said, i haven't had a bite all day. so i bit him. IN THE EYE.
BET: i'm getting a little bit into star wars.
ALEPH: well, you gotta get a lot into star wars if you want to BE star wars.
[still not adjusted to summer. what. it's only…august.]
BET: [stamping foot] eema, when are we gonna wear PANTS again already!
PHONE: what do you like better about pants than shorts?
BET: they're LONGER!
[OH RILLY I HADN'T NOTICED]
ALEPH: [patiently] see eema, i like to keep busy with something. but...sometimes i don't like your ideas.
ALEPH: why do they call it a peapod if you're not supposed to pee in it?
ALEPH: bet, i need to go to the bathroom. you want to come do water experiments while i'm in there?
BET: sure!
BET: [points at tampons] eema, do you have any idea what those things are?
PPHONE: you didn't eat your banana.
BET: it's brown.
PPHONE: no, it isn't. see? no brown.
BET: it tastes cold!
PPHONE: um...it's room temp.
BET: this banana doesn't feel normal!
PPHONE: [gives up]
BET: [shrugs. eats banana]
ALEPH: R2-D2 needs to go to the droid hospital. i'm gonna go with him. because...it's his 1st time, and i've been to the hospital before.
ALEPH [moments later]: his ambulance blew up. i'm gonna have to carry him the rest of the way.
BET: [screaming] EEMA!!! remember you said we could only scream if we were bleeding broken or on fire? I'M BLEEDING. [points to chapped lip]
ALEPH: i can't have that juice. it's not safe for me.
PPHONE:
PPHONE: no, aleph, it's pina colada! not peanut.
[1:30 AM]
aleph comes out crying "bet won't let me put up a star wars shelf!"
aleph tucked back in muttering, "this really isn't FAIR mumble mumble"
BET: [whispers in my ear]
PPHONE: what? that was so soft i couldn't hear it.
BET: i know. it's a secret secret.
ALEPH: ♪ jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle ingle belllllls ♪
PPHONE: um...where did you learn that song?
ALEPH: i didn't! i made it up.
BET: are you sure castles were made before rocket ships? i don't believe you.
PPHONE: you're a funny boy sometimes.
BET: what do you mean? i'm a funny boy all the time.
[Good Morning To You Too]
ALEPH: why is your face like that?
PPHONE: like what?
ALEPH: like how it is right now!
PPHONE: how is it??
ALEPH:...i don't know.
GREAT AUNT: bet, do you love me?
BET: i'm not sure i should answer that. because i might hurt your feelings. very badly.
[somehow i thought we had a lot longer before this conversation]
ALEPH: can you turn from an orthodox person into a not-orthodox person?
ALEPH: ...but Hashem isn't angry at either one of them, right?
[post 'But I Can't Put On My Own Socks' tantrum]
PPHONE: thanks for your hard work, aleph.
ALEPH: [still crying] none of this is hard, eema.
PPHONE: [iiiii know.] thanks for your...frustrating work?
ALEPH: [frustrated] it's not even frustrating! it's just DUMB, is what it is!
BET: can i teach you a lesson?
ALEPH: no. i know all my lessons already.
BET [on jennifer of the jungle]: she has this gorilla, and she says 'you always say the sweetest things!' [sighs dreamily]
[Cartoon Vocabulary]
ALEPH: i won't give in to your evil orchestrations!
GROWNUP: [laughs] do you know what orchestrations are?
ALEPH: plans!
[...Possibly Too Many Cartoons]
ALEPH: Hashem...is the king...of the UNIVERSE! MWAHAHAHA!
BET: maybe if i see a video, my stomach will stop having hiccups!
EEMA: i...don't think that's how it works.
BET: never know till you try!
BET: that's not funny! stop laughing!
BET: STOP! what are you DOING to my FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE!
ALEPH: ♪ if you don't i'll punch youuu / if you don't i'll pinch you in the baaack / if you don't i'll throw a bomb at youuu ♪
[You Might Have A Sensory Seeker If]
ALEPH: eema, can we snuggle?
PPHONE: [hugs]
ALEPH: [braces his hands on my chest and pushes]
PPHONE: that's...the opposite of snuggling.
ALEPH: oh!
[erev Yom Kippur]
PPHONE: bet, if i hurt your feelings this year, i'm sorry.
BET: well, you did. lots of times. but I FORGIVE YOU.
[on running into an erstwhile babysitter]
BET: can i tell you something? i think it's pretty sad that you don't come visit us anymore.
SITTER: i'm sorry. i've just been so busy.
BET: you don't need to be sorry! it's not your fault.
ALEPH: eema? is pluto in neptune's orbit right now?
LANCE: that's batman.
PPHONE: yes, i know. which batman?
LANCE: that's...scuba...attack batman. obviously.
PPHONE: did you just make that up??
ALEPH: hey, look what i found in my mouth!
PPHONE: [a choking hazard??...a peanut?]
ALEPH: [HOLDS OUT TOOTH]
ALEPH: i can never sleep the whole night. but i CAN take short naps.
BET: i can't ever sleep.
PPHONE: never?
BET: never.
PPHONE: wow! you must be really tired.
BET: I AM!
BET: i need to think about whether i'm gonna ruin your plan.
ALEPH: if you ruin my plan, i'll ruin your plan.
BET: what's my plan?
ALEPH: when you have a plan! then i'll ruin it.
[overheard from kids' room]
BATMAN: hey robin, you want to take a nap?
ROBIN: yeah, okay.
BET: i don't want to go outside.
LANCE: but you always say that. and you always end up having fun.
BET: i know, but i'm TIRED of that.
PPHONE: you're tired of having fun?
BET: i'm tired of having fun when abba SAYS.
LANCE: [gives pphone meaningful look] this is all you.
PPHONE: [laughing too hard to talk] i.know.
BET: i made this myself! it's called the transweapon-mitter. no, no, the transmitter-weaponer.
BET: huggeh baybeh!
PPHONE: ...huggy baby?
BET: yeah. i'm saying it in a different language. huggehh baybehhhhhh!
ALEPH: [playing] okay, i've had enough of that. let's do some homework!
PPHONE: so, aleph types gibberish, and bet just types batmanbatmanbatmanbatmanbatman.
LANCE: i'm pretty sure that's how faulkner got started.
[Is not child. Is cat.]
[Is not child. Is cat.]
BET [suddenly appears at my elbow]: can you stroke my back?
PPHONE: aleph, you're being a little bit ridiculous.
ALEPH: well it's [sob] kind of [sob] HARD not to be [sob]
[It's Probably Inappropriate To Laugh When Your Son Makes Up Words Mid-tantrum]
BET: i'm so DESTRICTLY ANGRY!
BET: if i was an indian and they took my land, i'd hit them in the face, and kick them in the face, and...do a lot of things to them in the face.
[trying to persuade bet to practice soccer]
ALEPH: bet, can i remind you a lot of things you know how to do, you couldn't do the first time you tried?ALEPH: [sleepwalks out of bedroom at grandparent's house] [inexplicably wearing maroon satin yarmulka]
[overheard from kids' room]
"and we'll dress the poop up like ice cream."
"yeah."
"yeah."
BET [as batman]: i guess we'll have to do this the HARD way!
PPHONE: what's the hard way?
BET: i don't know, that's just something i say.
[i can stop anytime, son. aaaaanytime]
ALEPH: eema, can you stop talking about vegetables for a second?
BET: so on chanuka the greeks lost, right?
PPHONE: right.
BET: and the maccabeats won, right?
PPHONE: [ahahaha! whoops.]
BET: it's a good thing all the greeks are dead!
PPHONE: ...um.
ALEPH: someone was injured!
BET: someone was ninja-ed?
BET [on blue's clues]: i really enjoy this show. but i'm not sure why everybody's dancing.
BET [on the fresh beat band]: i don't like this part. they're kooky. they dance too much.
BET: aleph and me don't even like dancing. they're not serious! we're SERIOUS!
BET: [tries to look severe] [can't keep straight face]
ALEPH: this elevator smells a little like throw-up. mostly like french fries. but a little like throw-up.
[on To Do List: 1. explain expletives 2. explain irony]
aleph now says "oh, NUTS!" when frustrated
PPHONE: are you ready to ask for it nicely?
BET: *sigh* YES. just give it to me, willya?
BET: cookies? i love cookies!
LANCE: yeah? which do you love more, me or cookies?
BET: *sigh* abba. there's different kinds of love.
[in the middle of my lecture on anger management]
BET: you're rambling, eema.
PPHONE: what?! i am not.
BET: [smiling] yes, you are. wordgirl says rambling is going onnnn and onnnn and not really having a point.
PPHONE: i do too have a point!!
BET: if i met a stranger i wouldn't talk to them. know why? because they might do bad things to me. especially a WOLF stranger.
ALEPH: actually, mostly only - actually, mostly only - actually...mostly...only...abba what was i talking about??
BET: eema, maybe when i grow up i can be a monkey actor. i'm practicing my swinging. so i can do that.
BET: [into my neck] eema. i care for you very much.
BET: [stamps foot] i'm angry!
PPHONE: okay. what are you angry about?
BET: i forgot! [stamp] what i'm angry about!
[in latest feat of evil, i made kids wear their fleece pajamas to play outside because it's 20 degrees.]
BET: everyone will know!
PPHONE: no they won't.
BET: but what if someone touches my pants?
PPHONE: okay, how about DON'T LET STRANGE PEOPLE TOUCH YOUR PANTS.
ALEPH: eema, this is such a good supper. thank you!
PPHONE: wow! thank you for thanking me!
ALEPH: you could just say you're welcome.
PPHONE: [gives kiss] surprise kiss!
BET: that wasn't a surprise.
PPHONE: how'd you know i was going to do that?
BET: because i'm trickehh, baybehh.
LANCE: maybe we can play star wars!
ALEPH: no, because bet is gonna want to be batman. and i'm getting tired of star wars with batman in it.
BET: ...he's right.
BET: time for another video?
LANCE: no. it's time for turning off the tv, and hugging, and then getting dressed.
BET: and mind control?
BET [to pphone]: i just want to tell you something. i love you. more than your favorite...more than your COMPUTER! also more than macaroni and cheese. but that doesn't count 'cause that's a different kind of love.
hoping aleph never stops calling it "the top bunker" and "the bottom bunker"
[4 am]
ALEPH: [crying in our doorway] where is bet?
PPHONE: he's in bed.
ALEPH: but he didn't answer when i called him.
PPHONE: that's because he's SLEEPING.
ALEPH: [tucked back in bed, still crying] but it's very dark in here.
PPHONE: that's because IT'S 4 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING
BET: eema. i love you. can i please please please hold your hand.
ALEPH [building lego]: and this is his magical water chair of DESTINY.
BET [to lego man]: here you are, you magnificent knight!
[Emerging Readers]
BET [reading computer screen over my shoulder]: i...don't...give...a...
PPHONE: [scrolls down RAPIDLY]
[The Pesach Story: A Retelling]
"and then the Torah shot LASER beams at him!"
[watching wonder pets rescue another cute baby animal]
BET: i wish every video we watch, we could just jump in and KILL them!
[Emerging Readers, Part 2]
ALEPH: you know, eema? many things are made in china.
[Send.Help.]
ALEPH: oh! i LIKE mouth kissing.
BET [one finger pressed to forehead, whispering to self]: thinkthinkthink!
ALEPH: ohhhh. this is a real cooked chicken?
PPHONE: um. yes?
ALEPH: no WONDER it's so tasty!
[1 AM]
PPHONE: do you smell...food??
LANCE: you don't think aleph is sleep-cooking, do you?
ALEPH: eema, when you say good things to me when i'm sad, it makes me even sadder.
PPHONE: *sigh* fine. no more good things.
ALEPH: but no bad things either.
PPHONE:
ALEPH: eema, i REALLY don't like when my homework takes this long.
PPHONE:
ALEPH: [stares at me] why aren't you saying anything.
ALEPH: [in bath] ♪ that man in special suit, against the water-gun-of-destinyyyyy ♪
BET: do babies understand what we say?
PPHONE: no, they have to learn that.
BET: do we understand what babies say?
PPHONE: we have to learn that, too.
BET: wait. do babies understand OTHER babies?
[playing chess against himself]
ALEPH: [singsong] iiiiii wouldn't do that if i were youuuuuu!
[Yeshiva Education: So Worth It]
ALEPH: see, Hashem is basically like an alien that can do whatever it wants.
PPHONE: i think your pants are inside out.
ALEPH: that's okay. i don't mind.
PPHONE: you...won't be able to get into the pockets.
ALEPH: i don't need pockets.
LANCE: there's a song about driving, wanna hear it?
ALEPH: what's it called.
LANCE: Born to Be Wild.
ALEPH [firm]: no.
LANCE: [laughing] oh no no, i mean, uh, Barney the Dinosaur Likes to Drive.
ALEPH: really?
LANCE: yes!
ALEPH: no.
[Pesach Day 7]
BET [despairingly]: i've forgotten what everything i like tastes like!
[Hard To Argue With This]
BET: abba, why are you sad? it would be worser if i killed you.
BET [re: my library book]: what's that about?
PPHONE: um. werewolves?
BET: who's that woman?
PPHONE: she's married to one of them.
BET: does he kill her?
PPHONE [laughing]: what? no! he loves her.
BET: well what happens?
PPHONE: i don't know! i haven't read it yet. all i know is she's having a baby.
BET: well when you finish it, can you just tell me: does he EAT the baby?
[bet composes superman-style tagline for wonder woman]
"look, up in the sky! it's an american flag! it's...an almost-naked woman! it's..."
ALEPH: you know what i hate most in the world?
BET: aveiros?
ALEPH: no, eating poop & pee.
BET: and also aveiros?
[follow-up question]
BET: eema, which is more important? not doing aveiros or not eating poop?
PPHONE: not eating poop.
BET: what?!
PPHONE: [heretic] sorry.
ALEPH: ♪ if he kills me, right-before-he-does, i'll order someone to kill him, after-he-kills-me ♪
ALEPH: what happens on yom ha'atzmaut?
PPHONE: [lectures on state of israel's birth]
ALEPH: see, i thought what happens is i go to a party at yeshiva university.
BET: does your soul ever go back in your body after you die?
PPHONE: no. i mean, Hashem could make it, but He doesn't. that's a really big miracle called t'chiyat hameitim, bringing dead people back to life, and Hashem doesn't do miracles like that nowadays.
BET: oh right! like zombies?
ALEPH: is 20 x 50 a thousand? i thought so. because 10 times 100 is a thousand, and 50 is half of 100, so...all i have to do is double the 10s.
[bet has to draw his math homework, but he gets to decide what to depict it with:]
"that's 2 people who do ballet + 5 people who do ballet. i gave them extra arms because they're twirling so fast."
"that's 2 aliens in a spaceship."
"you might think that's a door, but it's really a house with a forcefield around it."
BET: are you making macaroni & cheese?
PPHONE: yes! how did you know?
BET: i smelled it.
[note: only thing in pot so far = water]
PPHONE: [blearily] wha?
ALEPH: [comes back] oh sorry he's in bed actually i didn't see him there sorry
ALEPH: eema, i want to ask you. have you ever been in space before?
BET: my INVISIBLE SWORD is MISSING
Friday, May 25, 2012
agency
For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter, we just pulled Bet mostly out of school. It has become overwhelmingly clear that the school is both unable, and unwilling, to protect him from being bullied.
It has become clear, too, that Bet has difficulty reading social cues and controlling himself: he responds aggressively to neutral things that other kids do, which were never meant to bother him. But there is no doubt he is also being repeatedly, intentionally harrassed. Even if it weren't emotionally damaging him to stay in this environment, it would be pointless. We can't possibly teach him to behave like the other kids are not out to get him, if they actually are out to get him.
Putting this decision into action was way too many things I hate - heartbreaking, enraging, confrontational - and I knew I would be relieved when it was over. But I didn't fully understand why.
I guess it should have been obvious; I've been so focused on what Bet needs - he needs to feel safe, he needs to be safe, he needs to get out of there. I spent a while just holding him, the day I picked him up sobbing after he was ganged up on by almost his entire class, holding him and saying, "You don't deserve this. You don't deserve this." And yesterday I told him why he wasn't going back: "Some boys in your class keep being mean to you, and it seems like the teachers can't stop it from happening. If they don't stop it, then Eema and Abba have to." He needs to know he can trust us to stand up for him.
I just didn't realize how badly I needed to show myself that, too. Even I - too weak to tell someone what I think of them to their face, too quick to defer to authority and experience, too doubting of my own instincts - even I can stand up for my kid. To the administrator who pleads with us to try again, who promises to do it better the next time, I can say in a voice shaking but clear: "There is no 'next time'. We're done."
Over and over, since they were babies, it comes down to this lesson I need to learn most: feeling helpless is poison to me. It's not true, anyway. I am not powerless. I can make it stop.
I can be what they need.
It has become clear, too, that Bet has difficulty reading social cues and controlling himself: he responds aggressively to neutral things that other kids do, which were never meant to bother him. But there is no doubt he is also being repeatedly, intentionally harrassed. Even if it weren't emotionally damaging him to stay in this environment, it would be pointless. We can't possibly teach him to behave like the other kids are not out to get him, if they actually are out to get him.
Putting this decision into action was way too many things I hate - heartbreaking, enraging, confrontational - and I knew I would be relieved when it was over. But I didn't fully understand why.
I guess it should have been obvious; I've been so focused on what Bet needs - he needs to feel safe, he needs to be safe, he needs to get out of there. I spent a while just holding him, the day I picked him up sobbing after he was ganged up on by almost his entire class, holding him and saying, "You don't deserve this. You don't deserve this." And yesterday I told him why he wasn't going back: "Some boys in your class keep being mean to you, and it seems like the teachers can't stop it from happening. If they don't stop it, then Eema and Abba have to." He needs to know he can trust us to stand up for him.
I just didn't realize how badly I needed to show myself that, too. Even I - too weak to tell someone what I think of them to their face, too quick to defer to authority and experience, too doubting of my own instincts - even I can stand up for my kid. To the administrator who pleads with us to try again, who promises to do it better the next time, I can say in a voice shaking but clear: "There is no 'next time'. We're done."
Over and over, since they were babies, it comes down to this lesson I need to learn most: feeling helpless is poison to me. It's not true, anyway. I am not powerless. I can make it stop.
I can be what they need.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
loss: one year
Adapted from my "just in case this is my last chance to tell you" letter to A, March 15th, last year. (It was.)
Someone asked me today if the reason you and I got so close, even though we were 7 years apart, was all the interests we had in common. I said I don't think that was it. I don't think it would have mattered what I was into. I think the reason you're so easy for me to be with is that you accept me for whoever I am.
I think you do that for everyone. I think that's one of your gifts. But you were the first person in our family to do that for me; and I don't even know how to tell you what that meant to me back then, or what it still means.
With all of the dread hanging over us these days, I still feel lighter every time I walk into a room and see you.
I love you so much.
P.
Monday, January 9, 2012
rubicon
I had my own Amalah moment last Friday. On the subway, carrying a letter to the DOE proving Bet is now a danger to himself and others without 1:1 supervision, I...froze.
I'm the one who asked for this letter; in fact it was composed right in front of me. "Are you sure this is okay? I can change any of it," the preschool director wrung her hands, typing the phrase violent tendencies. I turned my own hands up, helplessly. "Be careful not to make it sound worse than it is," my mother fretted to me on the phone the night before. "What if they...I don't know, send him to juvenile court?"
He's a goodhearted little boy and he's not going to be that difficult to help and no, I don't want it to sound worse than it is. But I can't allow it to get any worse than it is. He almost did something terrifying last week, and I am not waiting until he actually does.
And yet. You know this is what your child desperately needs - and this is your job, this is the whole reason you're here on earth parenting this child, to get him the help he needs. You know the alternative is far, far worse. Most importantly, you know that it will work. He will be okay someday. If you do this, he will be okay.
And still you sit on the train, tears in your eyes. I can't do this, you think. I can't do this. I can't do this. I just did.
I'm the one who asked for this letter; in fact it was composed right in front of me. "Are you sure this is okay? I can change any of it," the preschool director wrung her hands, typing the phrase violent tendencies. I turned my own hands up, helplessly. "Be careful not to make it sound worse than it is," my mother fretted to me on the phone the night before. "What if they...I don't know, send him to juvenile court?"
He's a goodhearted little boy and he's not going to be that difficult to help and no, I don't want it to sound worse than it is. But I can't allow it to get any worse than it is. He almost did something terrifying last week, and I am not waiting until he actually does.
And yet. You know this is what your child desperately needs - and this is your job, this is the whole reason you're here on earth parenting this child, to get him the help he needs. You know the alternative is far, far worse. Most importantly, you know that it will work. He will be okay someday. If you do this, he will be okay.
And still you sit on the train, tears in your eyes. I can't do this, you think. I can't do this. I can't do this. I just did.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
ceci n'est pas un blog post
So. It's come to this, eh? Too much to tweet; I'm going to have to actually blog just to catch up?
My sister's birthday: started out pretty hard, but got a little easier as it went along. I've been so agitated lately, like I have all this restless energy I need to put into...something. Something to do because of her, something to make because of her? I didn't know what. But SOMEthing.
My sister's birthday: started out pretty hard, but got a little easier as it went along. I've been so agitated lately, like I have all this restless energy I need to put into...something. Something to do because of her, something to make because of her? I didn't know what. But SOMEthing.
I think it's turning out to be a blanket. Last winter, I brought home a lot of yarn I had sent my sister the year before. She wanted to crochet something for my boys, who'd outgrown the baby blankets she made them, and she wanted to try something she'd never done before. We settled on a new hat pattern. The first one came out too small for them to wear, but it is gorgeous, and the last handmade thing I have from her. She never got as far as trying a bigger one. An open-ended project was too overwhelming, I think, as her world started to close in on her. And in the end, it was too painful to use her hands.
I took the yarn home back then mostly so she would stop feeling like it was hanging over her head. But I knew at some point I was going to have to face it myself. This was the right time to start: thinking of her while I crochet is both heartbreaking and comforting, which seemed exactly right. And keeping my hands busy - and the music on loud - was not a bad way to get myself through the day.
I took the yarn home back then mostly so she would stop feeling like it was hanging over her head. But I knew at some point I was going to have to face it myself. This was the right time to start: thinking of her while I crochet is both heartbreaking and comforting, which seemed exactly right. And keeping my hands busy - and the music on loud - was not a bad way to get myself through the day.
Bet and the bullying: has also hit a heartbreaking point. The director pulled me aside after school yesterday to tell me four classmates had ganged up on him together; one of them hit him. She came down on them pretty hard. She called them into her office and talked to them about how terrible they must have made him feel (3 of the boys were so sorry they cried, she said. the 4th just shrugged and stared her down). They had to make him a card saying "I'm sorry, Bet. I want to be your friend," and give it to him in front of the rest of the class. They had to stay inside for recess.
When they gave him the card Bet easily said he forgave them. But he also said "I knew it was going to be me. When something like this happens, it's always me."
[Insert knife in heart; twist.]
Postscript: Aleph, on hearing that all the boys said "I want to be your friend," said "Oh, [boy with no remorse] doesn't want to be his friend. He's been mean to both of us for a long time." Well then. That shoe does appear to fit.
Aleph and the allergies: I am still not sure what we accomplished today but I think we basically went around in a circle. The skin test for mustard was, as it was last time, negative. The blood test results won't come back until next week. But if they come back negative too, the final step would be a food challenge EXCEPT the doctor says a food challenge for mustard is tricky, because it's spicy, and a child could report symptoms because of that, rather than because he's allergic. So it might not be worth doing it. Which leaves us...what? Avoiding mustard anyway??
But the other potential major change is that, even if his allergies stay the same, we might start expanding the list of brands we allow him to eat. Like, a lot.
See, they apparently did a study [ETA: actually, looks like two of them] where they looked at whether items with a "may contain traces" warning actually do contain traces, and whether the items without a warning do not. For some allergens - milk, especially - the assumption we've been operating with holds true: presence or absence of a warning was not a safe way to tell whether it's contaminated. But for nuts, it actually was. They think nut allergies are high-profile enough that major manufacturers (even the asshole ones, like ahemKraftcoughUnilever,) are being pretty careful about cross-contamination. So if it's made by a major manufacturer, and there's no warning on the label...as far as our doctor is concerned, Aleph can eat it.
In addition, they told us, there are categories of packaged food we don't need to worry about altogether, major manufacturer or not. Because most likely, there would not be nuts anywhere near production. So we can trust those labels too. No need to call.
I know, right???
We'll definitely be starting slow, because we don't want to find we regret it and/or have a stroke. First on the list is mayonnaise, because omg, my mother in law will be SO HAPPY to have her favorite brand back. After that? I don't know. We'll see what happens.
The one thing I know for sure happened at the appointment was a lot of screaming; either because Aleph's terror of allergy testing is unavoidable, or because I didn't do a good enough job brainstorming ways to help him cope, and as you know, I prefer to blame myself whenever possible. So: shellshocked child/mother, CHECK.
Unexpectedly, I found myself telling him about infertility treatment as a sympathy measure. "Eema, did you ever have a blood draw?" "A lot of blood draws." "How about shots?" "Omg, too many shots to count." "And you didn't like them, but it was worth it, because you got a baby faster?"
And there you have it: the TL;DR version of my old blog! The end.
Monday, October 3, 2011
anger: six months
If you're looking for my Rosh Hashana post, you might want to try last year's. I'm not doing much stock-taking of the spiritual kind, this year; I'm finding when I turn to Gd, I run into a solid wall of my own anger. So I'm...not.
Instead, some navel-gazing of a different kind.
"It's no help to know this is a beautiful portrait of grief", Jody wrote me three months ago. But it does help, actually.
Last summer I had the extreme pleasure of talking to Julie about why she blogged, and to Anna H. about why she didn't. If I'm not wildly misquoting them, Anna said at one point, Does it help you make sense of things? and Julie said, Yes. Definitely.
But I remember thinking: No, it doesn't. Not for me. I'm never sure I'm making sense, before or after writing. In fact I think I always assume, in the back of my mind, that I might look back on what I wrote a year ago and completely disagree with it.
It's probably one reason I don't look back, too often. It might even be one reason I took down my old blog.
So what am I in this for?
When I started talk therapy, years and years ago, my therapist asked me at the first session: Do you know why we do this? I was a psychology grad student at the time, so you'd think I would have had an answer ready. But I just blundered around, till she took pity on me and said: Because if we talk about it, we might find a pattern. And it can be a comfort to say, Ah. I recognize this. This kind of thing has happened to me before.
Maybe that is 'making sense of things', in a way? I don't know. I don't really see it that way. I think it's just that my overwhelming confusion is a little less hard to take, when I can...find a thread to follow my way through. When I can find a voice, in telling my own story.
So I do that. With the funny things I'm confused about, sure, but especially with the painful things: I try to tell those, not in prose, but in poetry. Because I can't stop it from happening; I can't understand why it had to happen; but…if it's a story, instead of just a series of senseless events, maybe it will turn out to have its own coherence.
And if I can wring some beauty out of ugliness - yes, there is a small solace in that. I'll take it.
I guess it's a very old instinct. No matter how powerless we humans are, we can still scrawl a defiant mark on the wall. Persephone was here in '11. This is my voice. This is my story.
Instead, some navel-gazing of a different kind.
"It's no help to know this is a beautiful portrait of grief", Jody wrote me three months ago. But it does help, actually.
Last summer I had the extreme pleasure of talking to Julie about why she blogged, and to Anna H. about why she didn't. If I'm not wildly misquoting them, Anna said at one point, Does it help you make sense of things? and Julie said, Yes. Definitely.
But I remember thinking: No, it doesn't. Not for me. I'm never sure I'm making sense, before or after writing. In fact I think I always assume, in the back of my mind, that I might look back on what I wrote a year ago and completely disagree with it.
It's probably one reason I don't look back, too often. It might even be one reason I took down my old blog.
So what am I in this for?
When I started talk therapy, years and years ago, my therapist asked me at the first session: Do you know why we do this? I was a psychology grad student at the time, so you'd think I would have had an answer ready. But I just blundered around, till she took pity on me and said: Because if we talk about it, we might find a pattern. And it can be a comfort to say, Ah. I recognize this. This kind of thing has happened to me before.
Maybe that is 'making sense of things', in a way? I don't know. I don't really see it that way. I think it's just that my overwhelming confusion is a little less hard to take, when I can...find a thread to follow my way through. When I can find a voice, in telling my own story.
So I do that. With the funny things I'm confused about, sure, but especially with the painful things: I try to tell those, not in prose, but in poetry. Because I can't stop it from happening; I can't understand why it had to happen; but…if it's a story, instead of just a series of senseless events, maybe it will turn out to have its own coherence.
And if I can wring some beauty out of ugliness - yes, there is a small solace in that. I'll take it.
I guess it's a very old instinct. No matter how powerless we humans are, we can still scrawl a defiant mark on the wall. Persephone was here in '11. This is my voice. This is my story.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
the thing is
I've been a lot better. But these days, facing my first trip to Israel where I won't see my sister at the other end, I'm worse again.
I know today I'm not the only one grieving.
I went back to read Emma's post from January, when we knew what lay ahead. I thought you might want to read it again too.
The Thing Is
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
- Ellen Bass
I know today I'm not the only one grieving.
I went back to read Emma's post from January, when we knew what lay ahead. I thought you might want to read it again too.
The Thing Is
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
- Ellen Bass
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
last fruits
Hey, you guys. Thank you more than I can say for your thoughtful, kind comments on my last post.
Fair warning for anyone struggling with infertility: this may be hard for you to read. Please know that I hesitated for years before writing about this, not wanting to hurt you. And I wouldn't write about it now either, unless I needed to.
I am sad again today. Today we signed the agreement to thaw our remaining embryos.
I won't go into details, because they concern other people besides me. But I will say that we worked long & hard to donate these embryos, and we've finally hit an obstacle none of us can surmount.
I'm kind of stunned, after all the obstacles we did surmount.
I'm kind of angry: there are so many families out there besides ours, grieving the loss of a child or sibling to forces beyond their control - illness, accident, murder - you read the papers, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. And this is something we COULD have done. We could have brought some life into the world, instead of all this death. To have that chance taken out of our hands too feels a little like another death. Such a pointless waste.
And I'm just, well, sad. I made my peace with not having more children long ago...in theory. This is a lot more concrete. And final. And hard.
So I'm thanking Gd for the gifts I've been given. And hoping He understands if I cry a little, while turning the rest of them away.
Fair warning for anyone struggling with infertility: this may be hard for you to read. Please know that I hesitated for years before writing about this, not wanting to hurt you. And I wouldn't write about it now either, unless I needed to.
I am sad again today. Today we signed the agreement to thaw our remaining embryos.
I won't go into details, because they concern other people besides me. But I will say that we worked long & hard to donate these embryos, and we've finally hit an obstacle none of us can surmount.
I'm kind of stunned, after all the obstacles we did surmount.
I'm kind of angry: there are so many families out there besides ours, grieving the loss of a child or sibling to forces beyond their control - illness, accident, murder - you read the papers, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. And this is something we COULD have done. We could have brought some life into the world, instead of all this death. To have that chance taken out of our hands too feels a little like another death. Such a pointless waste.
And I'm just, well, sad. I made my peace with not having more children long ago...in theory. This is a lot more concrete. And final. And hard.
So I'm thanking Gd for the gifts I've been given. And hoping He understands if I cry a little, while turning the rest of them away.
Friday, July 8, 2011
grief: three months
The hardest part is remembering what she looked like, that week when she was barely alive. The hardest part is remembering what she used to look like before that. The hardest part is when I can't remember something from before that, when I say something was A's favorite and someone else says no, that wasn't A, that was you, and we'll never be able to ask her and it's just gone. The hardest part is when something was gone years ago but resurfaces in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of playing with my kids, and I'm in tears with no control over them. The hardest part is walking around feeling raw in a way no one can see, like I have no skin. The hardest part is the edge of sadness that underlies everything. Everything.
I have a husband I love and adorable kids and I want to be happy, for them. I can't picture when I ever will.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
From Twitter 06-15-2011
- 08:09 woke to find our vintage nelson asterisk clock strangled during the night by balloon ribbon.
- 08:11 must have wrapped around and around its hands as they turned. hour by hour. almost wish we had it on time-lapse video.
- 08:26 also feeling kinda vindicated about my [formerly thought to be] paranoid No Balloons With Ribbons In The Room While You're Sleeping rule.
- 16:48 it is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in want of an exacto knife will never, ever, find it in stock at michael's. #0for3tries
- 18:40 argh. was just completely unhelpful to police re: attack that happened in our courtyard. i could only see victim, not her attacker.
- 18:41 kind of relieved no one is going to be calling me to testify, though.
- 18:44 my neighbor, on having to walk around at night with 2 sexual predators active in the 'hood: "it's a little creepy!" uh. you could say that.
- 20:18 for the love of...why is the school PTA sending me "It's important we voice our strong opposition to same-sex marriage in ny state" emails??
- 20:28 what is this "our opposition" they're talking about? i am in FAVOR, not opposed. also, since when is this what a PTA mailing list is for?
- 20:33 i'm rarely reminded so starkly that i don't belong here. then again, i'm not sure where in the orthodox world i would belong any better.
- 20:35 i'm resigned to being the fish out of water, mostly. but sometimes i would like just a LITTLE acknowledgment that NOT EVERYONE THINKS ALIKE.
- 20:38 my. i seem to have at least one rant a day lately, don't i? #crankypants
- 20:40 thinking of making the kids some "Separation Of Church And State: It's Good For The Jews" t-shirts.
- 21:13 MORE HERETICAL THINGS I BELIEVE: abortion should stay legal. there will be orthodox women rabbis. abraham should have refused to kill isaac.
- 21:13 [that last one is the one that took me longest to say out loud.]
- 21:49 ha! okay, i didn't think the abraham/isaac heresy would be the one getting the most reaction HERE. :)
- 21:51 i never use twitlonger, but i don't want to clutter up your feeds with a long explanation, either, so i'll try to write one now. stand by.
- 22:20 Okay, here's why I think Abraham failed his test instead of passing it. The way it was always taught to me, the (cont) tl.gd/b4u59f
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
BET: "was that when we were a baby?"
(The Year In Quotes.)
BET: I want what I want. Those are the rules of me.
PPHONE: So, do you think your stuffed animals had a good time in Vermont?
ALEPH: Well, Elmo likes to see new places. Brown Bear & Winnie the Pooh, I don't know.
ALEPH: Welcome to my ice cream store. What flavor would you like?
PPHONE: Cookies & cream, please.
ALEPH: Oh sorry Eema, that has sulfa* in it.
[*In case not obvious, Persephone is allergic to sulfa.]
PPHONE: Oh. Well, what flavor do you have that's safe for me to eat?
ALEPH: [smiling ruefully] Actually, I just realized...all our flavors have sulfa in them.
BET: I'm angry with you.
ALEPH: I'm angry with you.
BET: I'm angrier.
ALEPH: I'm angrier.
BET: I'm angriest.
ALEPH: I'm angriest.
BET: I'm angriest OF ALL.
PPHONE: These are really hard questions, Aleph. I don't know.
ALEPH: [sigh] All right, if you just answer *one* hard one, I will ask you easier questions.
[after battling Bet into bed]
PPHONE: Do you have a last thing to say before quiet time?
BET: I'm going to say...that you're not my mommy anymore.
PPHONE: Is that your last thing?
BET: That's *part* of my last thing. The next part is a knock knock joke.
BET: Abba, can you pretend you're a bad guy?
LANCE [reading newspaper]: No.
BET: How about a bad guy who just reads the paper?
FEEDING THERAPIST: Good for you for trying cottage cheese, Bet. That's not my favorite either.
BET: Then you should have some too!
FEEDING THERAPIST: I should?
BET: Sure! Everybody should try new things.
FEEDING THERAPIST: Heh. You're right. Okay. [warily takes a bite]
BET: [perky] How is it?
BET: Eema, can Hashem fly?
PPHONE: Well, I guess He could, but He doesn't need to. He's already everywhere.
BET: Because he's so big?
PPHONE: ...Right.
ALEPH: You mean He's wide.
PPHONE: Um...
BET: You mean He's fat.
BET: When a candle burns out, it's not alive anymore, right?
PPHONE: Well, uh, it was never alive.
BET: But Gd can still see it, right?
PPHONE:
[subway-loving kid at the supermarket]
ALEPH: Can we go to the express line, Eema? Wait, I think we have too many things for express. We better get on the local.
[Superman II: A Summary, by Aleph.]
When he gives up his powers, he can be hurt by normal things, but not kryptonite. When he gets his powers back, he can be hurt by *kryptonite*, but *not* normal things.
BET: [bops Lance in face with balloon]
LANCE:
BET: sorry.
LANCE:
BET: uh oh.
ALEPH: [with yogurt drip on shirt] Eema, can you take this shirt off me? I need to go to the bathroom.
PPHONE: Okay, but...why do you need to take it off for that?
ALEPH: beCAUSE. [flaps hands wildly] It's too YOGURTY.
PPHONE: [nixes 2nd video]
PPHONE: [nixes 3rd tuna melt]
PPHONE: [nixes chocolate milk 2 hrs early]
BET: [sadly] Eema. You're giving me a very hard time today.
ALEPH: Abba, if Superman saw a kind of candy that he'd never seen before, he would have to make sure there's no kryptonite in it. He'd have to say, "Is this kryptonite-free?"
BET [at bedtime]: "Shazaam…oh." [tries again] "Shema…"
BET: I'm all out of cute!
PPHONE: [Oh I think not.]
PPHONE: Aleph, what are you DOING to your hair?
ALEPH: Putting cheese in it! [is this a trick question?]
BET: Eema, you're so cozy. Can I sleep inside your shirt?
ALEPH: [thoughtfully] The water doesn't taste *so* bad with spit.
[boys march into kitchen]
BOYS: Eema, did you PUT AWAY OUR PILE [OF RANDOM JUNK]??
PPHONE: Yes. Yes I did.
BOYS: We are NOT.HAPPY.THAT YOU DID THAT.
[march back out]
ALEPH: There's a lady pirate!
PPHONE: What are you gonna do?
ALEPH: I will point her with a pointy stick!
PPHONE: [isn't this a Monty Python routine?]
ALEPH: And then drown her at the bottom of the water! And break her feet!!
PPHONE: Uh, I don't think you need to do both.
ALEPH: Please can I?
BET: Abba, why do you have hair on your...uh, everywhere?
ALEPH: Actually, I just thought of something kind of crazy!
BET: [building a house] I need 4 more squares.
ALEPH: Allllllll riiiiiight lemme see what I can do.
PPHONE: [to naked son] Bet, can I bring you some underpants?
BET: [magnanimously] Sure! If you want!
BET: Eema, maybe you could sleep with me the whole night for my *birthday*.
PPHONE: I don't think so.
BET: But MAYBE, right?
VISITING NIECE: Does Bet have something against pants?
ALEPH: But WHY aren't fairies real?
PPHONE: I don't know.
ALEPH: I think there should be some kind of way to invent one. How do you invent a fairy?
PPHONE: I don't know.
ALEPH: But how do you THINK?
ALEPH: Eema, why is my room arranged like this?
[sigh. good morning, young Stephen King.]
BET: [trailing fingers on my face] Spiders are crawling on you! Trying to get in your mouth!
BET: We're playing superfriends and I was wondering if you would like to be Wonder Woman. Because…you're a woman.
BET: [wearing cape, obviously] Superman needs you to clean his hands. Because he ate a LOT of macaroni and cheese.
ALEPH: I wonder what's going on in the Bronx right now.
BET: Eema, we don't have to cooperate with you all the time. Know why? Cause Abba said it's okay to make mistakes.
ALEPH: Eema, I guess you were right.
PPHONE: About what?
ALEPH: [sigh.] I don't know.
ALEPH: Eema, what do you think is going on in France right now?
BET: I just need a hug. A hug that never ends.
PPHONE: [hugs]
BET: Actually one that does end. But…not yet.
ALEPH: [on his first comic book] So it's a...book-cartoon?
ALEPH [to hosts]: If you don't want us to look in all your rooms, why did you invite us over?
PPHONE: [looking for specific Lego piece]
ALEPH: [pointing to random pile of Lego] My mind tells me it's in there.
EEMA: Don't touch that.
BET: I'm not touching, I'm just looking with my fingers.
ALEPH: So uh, Supper Lady? This is kind of good.
BET: I'm gonna cut that bad guy's head off! [aside] Do you have a scissor?
BET: [out of bed after bedtime after a very, very long day]
PPHONE & LANCE: [glaring]
BET: I just have a little problem.
PPHONE & LANCE: [still glaring] What's the problem?
BET: I...miss you guys.
BET: To the BAT-CRIBS!
PPHONE: Bet, go to the bathroom.
BET: [teenage sigh] I'm TIRED of that! Why do I have to do that all the TIME!
PPHONE: Bet, did you hear me? Why aren't you going the other way around the sofa?
BET: BeCAUSE! There's a lot of pee over there!
BET: I have a yellow beak, I waddle when I walk, and I'm covered with white fur. I must be a....?
PPHONE: Duck?
BET: I was thinking of pigs.
ALEPH: But pigs don't waddle when they walk.
PPHONE: And they don't have yellow beaks.
BET: I know, but I was *thinking* of them.
BET: [singing] when criminals in this world appear to break the laws that they should fear the call goes out both far and near for UNNNDERPANTS
BET: I wish I was half me and half Aleph.
PPHONE: Why?
BET: I don't want to be me *forever*.
ALEPH: Is there such a thing as a Hebrew muffin?
BET: Can I tell you about the time I was a shepherd?
ALEPH: Eema, it's really not comfortable the way you're holding me! But it's probably not you. It's me.
PPHONE: ?!
ALEPH: I mean it's my shirt.
overheard from kids' room:
[BANG] Flash hits a window! It doesn't break! [BANG] Flash hits it again!
BET: You know what superhero you are? HotGirl.
PPHONE: WHAT!? [tries to stop laughing] What's HotGirl's superpower?
BET: She makes things hot.
PPHONE: Bet, what did you get to do as Shabbos Abba?
BET: I was *really* nice to the Shabbos Eema.
ALEPH: So, is Green Eggs and Ham the same...brand...as The Cat in the Hat?
BET: [about to climb onto my lap]
PPHONE: Are your pants dry?
BET: Yes!
PPHONE: Then you can sit on my lap.
BET: [climbs up] They're *mostly* dry!
BET: More kisses. More. More. More more more more more more more more more more okay one more. And now last one. Okay.
BET: Eema, does a time machine have batteries?
EEMA: Uh…no, it probably has a flux capacitor.
BET: *That's* the problem, Aleph. It needs a flux capacitor.
BET: Where does it hurt?
EEMA: All across here. [indicates forehead]
BET: [deep breath] Okay. I'll start from the corner. [begins kissing]
BET: [putting what looks like...elephant tusks? on his lego car]
PPHONE: What are those?
BET: Horns! Beep beep!
ALEPH: Abba, if you *love* Bet, you should really let him do what he wants.
ALEPH: Eema?
PPHONE: Yes?
ALEPH: What can you do for me?
[listening to TMBG's Here Comes Science]
BET: I'm elephant man! I'm made of elements!
PPHONE: Okay.
BET: Wanna feel my elements?
PPHONE: [trying to stop laughing] Elements are too small to feel.
BET: But mine are really *big*.
BET: [screaming] Aleph! Aleph! Aaaalleeeeeeph!
ALEPH: I'll be with you in a moment.
BET: If you're not going to eat your mac & cheese, should I?
ALEPH: That's up to you. I don't care *what* you do. [pause] Unless it's mean.
BET: Eema, let's have a hug.
PPHONE: [hugs]
BET: Let's go to the bed and have hugs. Come on, Eema. Let's lie down and hug.
BET: I'm afraid of something.
PPHONE: What?
BET: My skeleton is so strong. What if it punches its way out of my body?
PPHONE: Can I have a hug?
ALEPH [scornful]: No!
PPHONE: Why?
ALEPH: ...[grin] because YES!
Bet's class has an every-snowflake-is-unique bulletin board.
Bet's quote says: "I'm special because I don't eat too much."
ALEPH: Eema, there's bear prints in the hallway!
PPHONE: Bear prints? How did a bear get in the hallway?
ALEPH: Well, they might have been giant chicken prints. It was dark. I couldn't tell.
BET: [runs out]
ALEPH: [runs out after him, points dramatically] to the EXPERIMENTS!
BET: [runs back in]
ALEPH: I might have a little bit of a pretend fever.
overheard [reading 10 Minutes Til Bedtime to each other]:
-So many hamsters!
-Eema would be really upset.
-Yeah, Eema would be really upset.
BET: Sleep is too boring.
EEMA: It's good to be bored sometimes. That's called 'downtime.'
ALEPH: [outraged disbelief] Good?! To be bored?!?
[arranged Bet's strawberry slices to look like a flower.]
ALEPH: Can you make mine look like a gun?
PPHONE: No.
ALEPH: Or like a daled! A daled is the shape of a gun.
BET: Wanna see my trick?
[puts laden spoon into mouth; takes out empty spoon]
FEEDING THERAPIST: Wow! It's magic!
BET: No. It's *science*.
BET [to grandparents, with big smile, clearly expecting praise]: I don't *want* to kiss you good night, but I'm going to anyway!
BET: Eema, we gotta figure this out or I'll whine. And I *know* you don't want me to *whine*.
ALEPH: [leaps into kitchen, brandishing swords at me] I'll take care of the woman!
BET: [whispers] Make sure she doesn't see you!
ALEPH: It's just, like [SOB] really *upsetting* for me [SOB] when you don't do what I *want*
BET: Stop! You're bothering me!
ALEPH: You never let me do anything I want!
BET: Everything you want to do *bothers me*!
BET [to Aleph]: Can I tell you something? I'm your sidekick.
BET: Let's play Pesach again! But this time the Egyptians are the good guys and the Jews are the bad guys.
BET: I'm hungry.
PPHONE: There's some grapes left from yesterday, do you want some?
BET: [decidedly] No, I don't eat grapes from yesterday.
ALEPH: Your body's waterproof, right? Water can't get through your body. *Nothing* can get through your body. Wellllllll, maybe a pickax.
ALEPH: [singing to self] life is my favorite, life is my favorite
ZAIDY: [enters] You're eating grapefruit! That's one of my favorite things.
ALEPH: I bet not as much as being *alive*! Okay, choose which one is your favorite: having a lot of grapefruits in the house, or STAYING ALIVE.
BET: You never let me watch videos as much as I want!
[note: he watched 3+ hrs today.]
PPHONE: Bet, I told you. no more talking about videos.
BET: I'm not talking about *videos*. I'm talking about how I *feel* about them.
ALEPH: Come on Bet, let's pillow fight the window! *THWACK*
PPHONE: Look, I made my batcycle some wings.
ALEPH: That was clever of you, Eema.
BET: [nauseous] You know what I feel like? You know what I *feel* like?
PPHONE: [looks wildly for bucket] What? What???
BET: I feel like watching a VIDEO.
LANCE: [leaves message and hangs up phone]
ALEPH: Wait, wait! [hopefully] Can we press 1 for more options?
ALEPH [to our guest]: Rochel…you're not boring.
BET: [screaming] STOP THAT! STOP THAT! STOP THAT!
ALEPH: I'll stop if you stop SCREAMING IN MY EAR!
BET: Okay.
***
5 years old. Still funny. Bring it on, Year 6.
BET: I want what I want. Those are the rules of me.
PPHONE: So, do you think your stuffed animals had a good time in Vermont?
ALEPH: Well, Elmo likes to see new places. Brown Bear & Winnie the Pooh, I don't know.
ALEPH: Welcome to my ice cream store. What flavor would you like?
PPHONE: Cookies & cream, please.
ALEPH: Oh sorry Eema, that has sulfa* in it.
[*In case not obvious, Persephone is allergic to sulfa.]
PPHONE: Oh. Well, what flavor do you have that's safe for me to eat?
ALEPH: [smiling ruefully] Actually, I just realized...all our flavors have sulfa in them.
BET: I'm angry with you.
ALEPH: I'm angry with you.
BET: I'm angrier.
ALEPH: I'm angrier.
BET: I'm angriest.
ALEPH: I'm angriest.
BET: I'm angriest OF ALL.
PPHONE: These are really hard questions, Aleph. I don't know.
ALEPH: [sigh] All right, if you just answer *one* hard one, I will ask you easier questions.
[after battling Bet into bed]
PPHONE: Do you have a last thing to say before quiet time?
BET: I'm going to say...that you're not my mommy anymore.
PPHONE: Is that your last thing?
BET: That's *part* of my last thing. The next part is a knock knock joke.
BET: Abba, can you pretend you're a bad guy?
LANCE [reading newspaper]: No.
BET: How about a bad guy who just reads the paper?
FEEDING THERAPIST: Good for you for trying cottage cheese, Bet. That's not my favorite either.
BET: Then you should have some too!
FEEDING THERAPIST: I should?
BET: Sure! Everybody should try new things.
FEEDING THERAPIST: Heh. You're right. Okay. [warily takes a bite]
BET: [perky] How is it?
BET: Eema, can Hashem fly?
PPHONE: Well, I guess He could, but He doesn't need to. He's already everywhere.
BET: Because he's so big?
PPHONE: ...Right.
ALEPH: You mean He's wide.
PPHONE: Um...
BET: You mean He's fat.
BET: When a candle burns out, it's not alive anymore, right?
PPHONE: Well, uh, it was never alive.
BET: But Gd can still see it, right?
PPHONE:
[subway-loving kid at the supermarket]
ALEPH: Can we go to the express line, Eema? Wait, I think we have too many things for express. We better get on the local.
[Superman II: A Summary, by Aleph.]
When he gives up his powers, he can be hurt by normal things, but not kryptonite. When he gets his powers back, he can be hurt by *kryptonite*, but *not* normal things.
BET: [bops Lance in face with balloon]
LANCE:
BET: sorry.
LANCE:
BET: uh oh.
ALEPH: [with yogurt drip on shirt] Eema, can you take this shirt off me? I need to go to the bathroom.
PPHONE: Okay, but...why do you need to take it off for that?
ALEPH: beCAUSE. [flaps hands wildly] It's too YOGURTY.
PPHONE: [nixes 2nd video]
PPHONE: [nixes 3rd tuna melt]
PPHONE: [nixes chocolate milk 2 hrs early]
BET: [sadly] Eema. You're giving me a very hard time today.
ALEPH: Abba, if Superman saw a kind of candy that he'd never seen before, he would have to make sure there's no kryptonite in it. He'd have to say, "Is this kryptonite-free?"
BET [at bedtime]: "Shazaam…oh." [tries again] "Shema…"
BET: I'm all out of cute!
PPHONE: [Oh I think not.]
PPHONE: Aleph, what are you DOING to your hair?
ALEPH: Putting cheese in it! [is this a trick question?]
BET: Eema, you're so cozy. Can I sleep inside your shirt?
ALEPH: [thoughtfully] The water doesn't taste *so* bad with spit.
[boys march into kitchen]
BOYS: Eema, did you PUT AWAY OUR PILE [OF RANDOM JUNK]??
PPHONE: Yes. Yes I did.
BOYS: We are NOT.HAPPY.THAT YOU DID THAT.
[march back out]
ALEPH: There's a lady pirate!
PPHONE: What are you gonna do?
ALEPH: I will point her with a pointy stick!
PPHONE: [isn't this a Monty Python routine?]
ALEPH: And then drown her at the bottom of the water! And break her feet!!
PPHONE: Uh, I don't think you need to do both.
ALEPH: Please can I?
BET: Abba, why do you have hair on your...uh, everywhere?
ALEPH: Actually, I just thought of something kind of crazy!
BET: [building a house] I need 4 more squares.
ALEPH: Allllllll riiiiiight lemme see what I can do.
PPHONE: [to naked son] Bet, can I bring you some underpants?
BET: [magnanimously] Sure! If you want!
BET: Eema, maybe you could sleep with me the whole night for my *birthday*.
PPHONE: I don't think so.
BET: But MAYBE, right?
VISITING NIECE: Does Bet have something against pants?
ALEPH: But WHY aren't fairies real?
PPHONE: I don't know.
ALEPH: I think there should be some kind of way to invent one. How do you invent a fairy?
PPHONE: I don't know.
ALEPH: But how do you THINK?
ALEPH: Eema, why is my room arranged like this?
[sigh. good morning, young Stephen King.]
BET: [trailing fingers on my face] Spiders are crawling on you! Trying to get in your mouth!
BET: We're playing superfriends and I was wondering if you would like to be Wonder Woman. Because…you're a woman.
BET: [wearing cape, obviously] Superman needs you to clean his hands. Because he ate a LOT of macaroni and cheese.
ALEPH: I wonder what's going on in the Bronx right now.
BET: Eema, we don't have to cooperate with you all the time. Know why? Cause Abba said it's okay to make mistakes.
ALEPH: Eema, I guess you were right.
PPHONE: About what?
ALEPH: [sigh.] I don't know.
ALEPH: Eema, what do you think is going on in France right now?
BET: I just need a hug. A hug that never ends.
PPHONE: [hugs]
BET: Actually one that does end. But…not yet.
ALEPH: [on his first comic book] So it's a...book-cartoon?
ALEPH [to hosts]: If you don't want us to look in all your rooms, why did you invite us over?
PPHONE: [looking for specific Lego piece]
ALEPH: [pointing to random pile of Lego] My mind tells me it's in there.
EEMA: Don't touch that.
BET: I'm not touching, I'm just looking with my fingers.
ALEPH: So uh, Supper Lady? This is kind of good.
BET: I'm gonna cut that bad guy's head off! [aside] Do you have a scissor?
BET: [out of bed after bedtime after a very, very long day]
PPHONE & LANCE: [glaring]
BET: I just have a little problem.
PPHONE & LANCE: [still glaring] What's the problem?
BET: I...miss you guys.
BET: To the BAT-CRIBS!
PPHONE: Bet, go to the bathroom.
BET: [teenage sigh] I'm TIRED of that! Why do I have to do that all the TIME!
PPHONE: Bet, did you hear me? Why aren't you going the other way around the sofa?
BET: BeCAUSE! There's a lot of pee over there!
BET: I have a yellow beak, I waddle when I walk, and I'm covered with white fur. I must be a....?
PPHONE: Duck?
BET: I was thinking of pigs.
ALEPH: But pigs don't waddle when they walk.
PPHONE: And they don't have yellow beaks.
BET: I know, but I was *thinking* of them.
BET: [singing] when criminals in this world appear to break the laws that they should fear the call goes out both far and near for UNNNDERPANTS
BET: I wish I was half me and half Aleph.
PPHONE: Why?
BET: I don't want to be me *forever*.
ALEPH: Is there such a thing as a Hebrew muffin?
BET: Can I tell you about the time I was a shepherd?
ALEPH: Eema, it's really not comfortable the way you're holding me! But it's probably not you. It's me.
PPHONE: ?!
ALEPH: I mean it's my shirt.
overheard from kids' room:
[BANG] Flash hits a window! It doesn't break! [BANG] Flash hits it again!
BET: You know what superhero you are? HotGirl.
PPHONE: WHAT!? [tries to stop laughing] What's HotGirl's superpower?
BET: She makes things hot.
PPHONE: Bet, what did you get to do as Shabbos Abba?
BET: I was *really* nice to the Shabbos Eema.
ALEPH: So, is Green Eggs and Ham the same...brand...as The Cat in the Hat?
BET: [about to climb onto my lap]
PPHONE: Are your pants dry?
BET: Yes!
PPHONE: Then you can sit on my lap.
BET: [climbs up] They're *mostly* dry!
BET: More kisses. More. More. More more more more more more more more more more okay one more. And now last one. Okay.
BET: Eema, does a time machine have batteries?
EEMA: Uh…no, it probably has a flux capacitor.
BET: *That's* the problem, Aleph. It needs a flux capacitor.
BET: Where does it hurt?
EEMA: All across here. [indicates forehead]
BET: [deep breath] Okay. I'll start from the corner. [begins kissing]
BET: [putting what looks like...elephant tusks? on his lego car]
PPHONE: What are those?
BET: Horns! Beep beep!
ALEPH: Abba, if you *love* Bet, you should really let him do what he wants.
ALEPH: Eema?
PPHONE: Yes?
ALEPH: What can you do for me?
[listening to TMBG's Here Comes Science]
BET: I'm elephant man! I'm made of elements!
PPHONE: Okay.
BET: Wanna feel my elements?
PPHONE: [trying to stop laughing] Elements are too small to feel.
BET: But mine are really *big*.
BET: [screaming] Aleph! Aleph! Aaaalleeeeeeph!
ALEPH: I'll be with you in a moment.
BET: If you're not going to eat your mac & cheese, should I?
ALEPH: That's up to you. I don't care *what* you do. [pause] Unless it's mean.
BET: Eema, let's have a hug.
PPHONE: [hugs]
BET: Let's go to the bed and have hugs. Come on, Eema. Let's lie down and hug.
BET: I'm afraid of something.
PPHONE: What?
BET: My skeleton is so strong. What if it punches its way out of my body?
PPHONE: Can I have a hug?
ALEPH [scornful]: No!
PPHONE: Why?
ALEPH: ...[grin] because YES!
Bet's class has an every-snowflake-is-unique bulletin board.
Bet's quote says: "I'm special because I don't eat too much."
ALEPH: Eema, there's bear prints in the hallway!
PPHONE: Bear prints? How did a bear get in the hallway?
ALEPH: Well, they might have been giant chicken prints. It was dark. I couldn't tell.
BET: [runs out]
ALEPH: [runs out after him, points dramatically] to the EXPERIMENTS!
BET: [runs back in]
ALEPH: I might have a little bit of a pretend fever.
overheard [reading 10 Minutes Til Bedtime to each other]:
-So many hamsters!
-Eema would be really upset.
-Yeah, Eema would be really upset.
BET: Sleep is too boring.
EEMA: It's good to be bored sometimes. That's called 'downtime.'
ALEPH: [outraged disbelief] Good?! To be bored?!?
[arranged Bet's strawberry slices to look like a flower.]
ALEPH: Can you make mine look like a gun?
PPHONE: No.
ALEPH: Or like a daled! A daled is the shape of a gun.
BET: Wanna see my trick?
[puts laden spoon into mouth; takes out empty spoon]
FEEDING THERAPIST: Wow! It's magic!
BET: No. It's *science*.
BET [to grandparents, with big smile, clearly expecting praise]: I don't *want* to kiss you good night, but I'm going to anyway!
BET: Eema, we gotta figure this out or I'll whine. And I *know* you don't want me to *whine*.
ALEPH: [leaps into kitchen, brandishing swords at me] I'll take care of the woman!
BET: [whispers] Make sure she doesn't see you!
ALEPH: It's just, like [SOB] really *upsetting* for me [SOB] when you don't do what I *want*
BET: Stop! You're bothering me!
ALEPH: You never let me do anything I want!
BET: Everything you want to do *bothers me*!
BET [to Aleph]: Can I tell you something? I'm your sidekick.
BET: Let's play Pesach again! But this time the Egyptians are the good guys and the Jews are the bad guys.
BET: I'm hungry.
PPHONE: There's some grapes left from yesterday, do you want some?
BET: [decidedly] No, I don't eat grapes from yesterday.
ALEPH: Your body's waterproof, right? Water can't get through your body. *Nothing* can get through your body. Wellllllll, maybe a pickax.
ALEPH: [singing to self] life is my favorite, life is my favorite
ZAIDY: [enters] You're eating grapefruit! That's one of my favorite things.
ALEPH: I bet not as much as being *alive*! Okay, choose which one is your favorite: having a lot of grapefruits in the house, or STAYING ALIVE.
BET: You never let me watch videos as much as I want!
[note: he watched 3+ hrs today.]
PPHONE: Bet, I told you. no more talking about videos.
BET: I'm not talking about *videos*. I'm talking about how I *feel* about them.
ALEPH: Come on Bet, let's pillow fight the window! *THWACK*
PPHONE: Look, I made my batcycle some wings.
ALEPH: That was clever of you, Eema.
BET: [nauseous] You know what I feel like? You know what I *feel* like?
PPHONE: [looks wildly for bucket] What? What???
BET: I feel like watching a VIDEO.
LANCE: [leaves message and hangs up phone]
ALEPH: Wait, wait! [hopefully] Can we press 1 for more options?
ALEPH [to our guest]: Rochel…you're not boring.
BET: [screaming] STOP THAT! STOP THAT! STOP THAT!
ALEPH: I'll stop if you stop SCREAMING IN MY EAR!
BET: Okay.
***
5 years old. Still funny. Bring it on, Year 6.
From Twitter 06-14-2011
- 10:45 steam coming out of my ears. way out of proportion to cause. i'm gonna...do some Mr. Miyagi breathing here for a few minutes.
- 10:46 IIIIIIIIINNNNNN. OUUUUUUUT.
- 12:54 see, this is why i don't bake. you know what happens? MOCKERY FROM @ONETIREDEMA, that's what happens.
- 16:46 milestone: boys sat across from each other, next to strangers, on train; i stood in middle so both could see me; no one had a panic attack!
- 16:46 not even me!
- 17:58 children, today we're having OMGIHAVENOIDEA for dinner.
- 18:00 i may APPEAR to be here, but my brain has checked out. sorry. fend for yourselves. #eemahasleftthebuilding
- 23:14 oy. it's been a bad few days. i hope i wake up with better coping skills in the morning.
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