Thursday, May 31, 2012

the year in quotes: now we are six!!!*

*i've only been waiting six years to say that

ALEPH: eema, you can't sit on the sofa anymore. i made it something that explodes. 

BET [completely serious, with mask on top of head]: oh NO! i can't find my spiderman mask. 

ALEPH: ♪ i throw luke skywalker in the air sometimes / saying aaaay-o ♪

[overheard from kids' room]
ALEPH: [bellowing] I AM NOT 'OLD CHUM'! 

BET: [peeks head around bathroom door] can you pretend to be catwoman? 
PPHONE: i...okay.
BET: [closes door again] 

[overheard from kids' room] 

ALEPH: see bet, you broke mine. now, i'm not gonna punish you; i just want you to know that it wasn't good. 

[I Do Not Think That Means What You Think It Means]
ALEPH [crying]: i got hurt. but i don't want to tell you how. 
US: we kind of need to know. 
ALEPH: fine. i accidentally stood on a rocking chair.

ALEPH: if superman didn't have a weakness, i would be him so much more often.

BET: [after bath] ♪naked naked naked, banana-fana-fak-ed♪

ALEPH: when [hop] you [hop] finish [hop] the dishes [hop] i [hop] want [hop] to do [hop] an [hop] activiteeeeeeee

ALEPH: [falsetto] ♪i like cows / yes i do / i like cows / how about yoooooou♪ 

ALEPH: [crying] bet, you can't pick that up! i wanted to pick it up! 
BET: well, sometimes you get to pick it up; sometimes you don't. 
ALEPH: [still crying] but i wanted to! 
BET: *sigh* okay. i will put it back down on the floor, and this time you can pick it up. 

LANCE: everyone remember the rules about throwing water at the park? 
ALEPH: i...remember you have rules, i just don't remember what they are.

PPHONE: [very late and lost my directions] 
BET: eema? eema? eema? 
PPHONE: i'm busy right now, bet. i'm busy. I'M BUSY! DO YOU HEAR ME TELLING YOU? 
[finally find my directions.]
PPHONE: okay. hi, bet. what's going on? 

BET: where do we live? 
LANCE: where do you think we live? 

ALEPH: see bet, the thing is, i'm starting to get more into star wars and science than superfriends.

BET: i need something to eat. 
PPHONE: raisins? 
BET: there is none. 
PPHONE: no, there are! i'll give you some. 
BET: oh RAISINS! i thought you said reasons

BET: [follows me into bathroom; shuts door] i'm just closing that to make sure aleph gives you privacy. 

BET: [aims cardboard tube at me] i'm switching out your brain!

BET [from bathroom] uh oh. 
PPHONE: what? 
BET: uh oh. 
PPHONE: what?? 
BET: nothing! i was just pretending something was wrong. 

BET: i'm batman! this is my bat-pooper! 

BOYS [both out of bed]: eema? you didn't give us hugs & kisses goodnight. 
PPHONE: yes i did. 
BOYS: well we don't remember you giving them!
PPHONE: [heartless] sorry.

BET: cut! cut! cut! i'm cutting off your fingers! 
BET: let's lie down and snuggle. 

ALEPH: can i tell you something, han solo?

BET: i'm very upset with darth vader. 
PPHONE: why? 
BET: he sent me a birthday card. it said bad things. 
PPHONE: wait, who are you?? 
BET: batman! 

[Road Tripping]
LANCE: deer crossing sign! 
PPHONE: deer crossing sign! 
ALEPH: deer crossing sign! 
[everyone waits] 
BET: yup! 

[...Road Tripping Too Long]
ALEPH: i met a man and he said, i haven't had a jump all day! so i jumped on him! HAHAHAHA! 

BET: [being tickled] HAHAHAHAHAstop that's too funny 

ALEPH: eema, i know the problem isn't your fault, but it is something you're doing.

BET: i don't think you can buy luke skywalker at the store. 
ALEPH: iiiiiii believe you're wrong.

BET: [glaring at me] why do we have to go pick blueberries, if we already HAVE BLUEBERRIES. 

BET: [glaring, in green lantern mask] 
PPHONE: why do you look so angry? 
BET: [gritting teeth] green lanterns are ALWAYS ANGRY.  
ALEPH: [also in green lantern mask] eema, can i sit on your lap? 
BET: green lanterns NEVER say sit on your LAP!

[mid-chess game]
ALEPH: abba, i think what i have you is called 'on the run.' 

BET: eema, guess what! we saw spiderman in times square! and i asked him if he was real! and he said yes! but i don't know if that was true. 
PPHONE: wow. i think maybe he was a real person, but maybe not the real spiderman.
BET: yeah. i think maybe he was peter parker. 

BET: aleph, i thought you said you were going to watch over the toaster.
ALEPH: no! i'm combining human DNA with dinosaurs. 

[looking at pictures of jewelry] 
BET: ooh, those are fancy. wish you could buy ME something fancy. wait! my knight-hat is fancy!

[overheard from kids' room] "you can't trust your computer! you can only trust me!" 

[overheard from kids' room] "if you let me be your master, it will WORK!" 

BET [yelling]: you're not the boss of me! 
ALEPH [yelling back]: yes i -! [pause.] i KNOW that, but -! 

[overheard from kids' room]
ALEPH: excuse me bet, are you sure you know what you're doing? 
BET: of coooourse i do

ALEPH: eema! i kind of did a stand-head! 

ALEPH: eema, how did super grover get his powers?

ALEPH: i met a man walking down the street and he said, i haven't had a bite all day. so i bit him. IN THE EYE. 

BET: i'm getting a little bit into star wars. 
ALEPH: well, you gotta get a lot into star wars if you want to BE star wars. 

[still not adjusted to summer. what. it's only…august.]
BET: [stamping foot] eema, when are we gonna wear PANTS again already!
PHONE: what do you like better about pants than shorts? 
BET: they're LONGER!

ALEPH: [patiently] see eema, i like to keep busy with something. but...sometimes i don't like your ideas. 

ALEPH: why do they call it a peapod if you're not supposed to pee in it? 

ALEPH: bet, i need to go to the bathroom. you want to come do water experiments while i'm in there? 
BET: sure! 

BET: [points at tampons] eema, do you have any idea what those things are? 

PPHONE: you didn't eat your banana. 
BET: it's brown. 
PPHONE: no, it isn't. see? no brown. 
BET: it tastes cold! 
PPHONE:'s room temp. 
BET: this banana doesn't feel normal! 
PPHONE: [gives up]
BET: [shrugs. eats banana] 

ALEPH: R2-D2 needs to go to the droid hospital. i'm gonna go with him.'s his 1st time, and i've been to the hospital before. 
ALEPH [moments later]: his ambulance blew up. i'm gonna have to carry him the rest of the way. 

BET: [screaming] EEMA!!! remember you said we could only scream if we were bleeding broken or on fire? I'M BLEEDING. [points to chapped lip]

ALEPH: i can't have that juice. it's not safe for me. 
PPHONE: no, aleph, it's pina colada! not peanut.

[1:30 AM] 
aleph comes out crying "bet won't let me put up a star wars shelf!" 
aleph tucked back in muttering, "this really isn't FAIR mumble mumble"

BET: [whispers in my ear] 
PPHONE: what? that was so soft i couldn't hear it. 
BET: i know. it's a secret secret. 

ALEPH: ♪ jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle ingle belllllls ♪ 
PPHONE: um...where did you learn that song? 
ALEPH: i didn't! i made it up. 

BET: are you sure castles were made before rocket ships? i don't believe you. 

PPHONE: you're a funny boy sometimes. 
BET: what do you mean? i'm a funny boy all the time. 

[Good Morning To You Too]
ALEPH: why is your face like that? 
PPHONE: like what? 
ALEPH: like how it is right now! 
PPHONE: how is it??
ALEPH:...i don't know.

GREAT AUNT: bet, do you love me? 
BET: i'm not sure i should answer that. because i might hurt your feelings. very badly.

[somehow i thought we had a lot longer before this conversation]
ALEPH: can you turn from an orthodox person into a not-orthodox person?
ALEPH: ...but Hashem isn't angry at either one of them, right?

[post 'But I Can't Put On My Own Socks' tantrum] 
PPHONE: thanks for your hard work, aleph. 
ALEPH: [still crying] none of this is hard, eema.  
PPHONE: [iiiii know.] thanks for your...frustrating work? 
ALEPH: [frustrated] it's not even frustrating! it's just DUMB, is what it is!

BET: can i teach you a lesson? 
ALEPH: no. i know all my lessons already. 

BET [on jennifer of the jungle]: she has this gorilla, and she says 'you always say the sweetest things!'  [sighs dreamily] 

[Cartoon Vocabulary]
ALEPH: i won't give in to your evil orchestrations! 
GROWNUP: [laughs] do you know what orchestrations are? 
ALEPH: plans! 

[...Possibly Too Many Cartoons]
ALEPH: the king...of the UNIVERSE! MWAHAHAHA! 

BET: maybe if i see a video, my stomach will stop having hiccups! 
EEMA: i...don't think that's how it works. 
BET: never know till you try! 
BET: that's not funny! stop laughing!


ALEPH: eema, i'm good at beating people in my class when i play checkers, but you are tricky.

ALEPH: ♪ if you don't i'll punch youuu / if you don't i'll pinch you in the baaack / if you don't i'll throw a bomb at youuu ♪

[You Might Have A Sensory Seeker If]
ALEPH: eema, can we snuggle? 
PPHONE: [hugs] 
ALEPH: [braces his hands on my chest and pushes]
PPHONE: that's...the opposite of snuggling. 
ALEPH: oh! 

[erev Yom Kippur] 
PPHONE: bet, if i hurt your feelings this year, i'm sorry. 
BET: well, you did. lots of times. but I FORGIVE YOU. 

[on running into an erstwhile babysitter]
BET: can i tell you something? i think it's pretty sad that you don't come visit us anymore. 
SITTER: i'm sorry. i've just been so busy. 
BET: you don't need to be sorry! it's not your fault. 

ALEPH: eema? is pluto in neptune's orbit right now? 

PPHONE: i found this at the thrift shop. can you tell me what it is?
LANCE: that's batman.
PPHONE: yes, i know. which batman?
LANCE: that's...scuba...attack batman. obviously.
PPHONE: did you just make that up??

ALEPH: hey, look what i found in my mouth! 
PPHONE: [a choking hazard??...a peanut?

ALEPH: i can never sleep the whole night. but i CAN take short naps. 
BET: i can't ever sleep. 
PPHONE: never? 
BET: never. 
PPHONE: wow! you must be really tired. 

BET: i need to think about whether i'm gonna ruin your plan. 
ALEPH: if you ruin my plan, i'll ruin your plan. 
BET: what's my plan? 
ALEPH: when you have a plan! then i'll ruin it. 

[overheard from kids' room] 
BATMAN: hey robin, you want to take a nap? 
ROBIN: yeah, okay. 

BET: i don't want to go outside. 
LANCE: but you always say that. and you always end up having fun. 
BET: i know, but i'm TIRED of that. 
PPHONE: you're tired of having fun? 
BET: i'm tired of having fun when abba SAYS. 
LANCE: [gives pphone meaningful look] this is all you. 
PPHONE: [laughing too hard to talk] i.know. 

BET: i made this myself! it's called the transweapon-mitter. no, no, the transmitter-weaponer. 

BET: huggeh baybeh! 
PPHONE: ...huggy baby? 
BET: yeah. i'm saying it in a different language. huggehh baybehhhhhh! 

ALEPH: [playing] okay, i've had enough of that. let's do some homework! 

PPHONE: so, aleph types gibberish, and bet just types batmanbatmanbatmanbatmanbatman. 
LANCE: i'm pretty sure that's how faulkner got started.

[Is not child. Is cat.]
BET [suddenly appears at my elbow]: can you stroke my back? 

PPHONE: aleph, you're being a little bit ridiculous. 
ALEPH: well it's [sob] kind of [sob] HARD not to be [sob] 

[It's Probably Inappropriate To Laugh When Your Son Makes Up Words Mid-tantrum] 

BET: if i was an indian and they took my land, i'd hit them in the face, and kick them in the face, a lot of things to them in the face. 

[trying to persuade bet to practice soccer]
ALEPH: bet, can i remind you a lot of things you know how to do, you couldn't do the first time you tried?

ALEPH: [sleepwalks out of bedroom at grandparent's house] [inexplicably wearing maroon satin yarmulka]

[overheard from kids' room] 
"and we'll dress the poop up like ice cream." 

BET [as batman]: i guess we'll have to do this the HARD way! 
PPHONE: what's the hard way? 
BET: i don't know, that's just something i say. 

[i can stop anytime, son. aaaaanytime]
ALEPH: eema, can you stop talking about vegetables for a second?

BET: so on chanuka the greeks lost, right? 
PPHONE: right. 
BET: and the maccabeats won, right?
PPHONE: [ahahaha! whoops.]
BET: it's a good thing all the greeks are dead! 

ALEPH: someone was injured! 
BET: someone was ninja-ed? 

BET [on blue's clues]: i really enjoy this show. but i'm not sure why everybody's dancing.

BET [on the fresh beat band]: i don't like this part. they're kooky. they dance too much. 
BET: aleph and me don't even like dancing. they're not serious! we're SERIOUS! 
BET: [tries to look severe] [can't keep straight face]

ALEPH: this elevator smells a little like throw-up. mostly like french fries. but a little like throw-up. 

[on To Do List: 1. explain expletives 2. explain irony]
aleph now says "oh, NUTS!" when frustrated

PPHONE: are you ready to ask for it nicely? 
BET: *sigh* YES. just give it to me, willya? 

BET: cookies? i love cookies!
LANCE: yeah? which do you love more, me or cookies? 
BET: *sigh* abba. there's different kinds of love. 

[in the middle of my lecture on anger management]
BET: you're rambling, eema.
PPHONE: what?! i am not. 
BET: [smiling] yes, you are. wordgirl says rambling is going onnnn and onnnn and not really having a point. 
PPHONE: i do too have a point!! 

BET: if i met a stranger i wouldn't talk to them. know why? because they might do bad things to me. especially a WOLF stranger.

ALEPH: actually, mostly only - actually, mostly only - actually...mostly...only...abba what was i talking about?? 

BET: eema, maybe when i grow up i can be a monkey actor. i'm practicing my swinging. so i can do that. 

BET: [into my neck] eema. i care for you very much. 

BET: [stamps foot] i'm angry! 
PPHONE: okay. what are you angry about? 
BET: i forgot! [stamp] what i'm angry about! 

[in latest feat of evil, i made kids wear their fleece pajamas to play outside because it's 20 degrees.]
BET: everyone will know!
PPHONE: no they won't. 
BET: but what if someone touches my pants?

ALEPH: eema, this is such a good supper. thank you! 
PPHONE: wow! thank you for thanking me! 
ALEPH: you could just say you're welcome. 

PPHONE: [gives kiss] surprise kiss! 
BET: that wasn't a surprise. 
PPHONE: how'd you know i was going to do that? 
BET: because i'm trickehh, baybehh. 

LANCE: maybe we can play star wars! 
ALEPH: no, because bet is gonna want to be batman. and i'm getting tired of star wars with batman in it. 
BET: ...he's right.

BET: time for another video? 
LANCE: no. it's time for turning off the tv, and hugging, and then getting dressed. 
BET: and mind control?

BET [to pphone]: i just want to tell you something. i love you. more than your favorite...more than your COMPUTER! also more than macaroni and cheese. but that doesn't count 'cause that's a different kind of love. 

hoping aleph never stops calling it "the top bunker" and "the bottom bunker"

[4 am] 
ALEPH: [crying in our doorway] where is bet?
PPHONE: he's in bed.
ALEPH: but he didn't answer when i called him. 
PPHONE: that's because he's SLEEPING.
ALEPH: [tucked back in bed, still crying] but it's very dark in here.

BET: eema. i love you. can i please please please hold your hand.

ALEPH [building lego]: and this is his magical water chair of DESTINY.

BET [to lego man]: here you are, you magnificent knight!

[Emerging Readers]
BET [reading computer screen over my shoulder]: i...don't...give...a... 
PPHONE: [scrolls down RAPIDLY]

[The Pesach Story: A Retelling] 
"and then the Torah shot LASER beams at him!" 

[watching wonder pets rescue another cute baby animal]
BET: i wish every video we watch, we could just jump in and KILL them! 

[Emerging Readers, Part 2]
ALEPH: you know, eema? many things are made in china.

ALEPH: oh! i LIKE mouth kissing. 

BET [one finger pressed to forehead, whispering to self]: thinkthinkthink!

ALEPH: ohhhh. this is a real cooked chicken? 
PPHONE: um. yes? 
ALEPH: no WONDER it's so tasty!

[1 AM] 
PPHONE: do you 
LANCE: you don't think aleph is sleep-cooking, do you?

ALEPH: eema, when you say good things to me when i'm sad, it makes me even sadder
PPHONE: *sigh* fine. no more good things. 
ALEPH: but no bad things either.  
ALEPH: eema, i REALLY don't like when my homework takes this long. 
ALEPH: [stares at me] why aren't you saying anything.

ALEPH: [in bath] ♪ that man in special suit, against the water-gun-of-destinyyyyy ♪

BET: do babies understand what we say? 
PPHONE: no, they have to learn that. 
BET: do we understand what babies say? 
PPHONE: we have to learn that, too. 
BET: wait. do babies understand OTHER babies?

[playing chess against himself]
ALEPH: [singsong] iiiiii wouldn't do that if i were youuuuuu! 

[Yeshiva Education: So Worth It]
ALEPH: see, Hashem is basically like an alien that can do whatever it wants. 

PPHONE: i think your pants are inside out. 
ALEPH: that's okay. i don't mind. 
PPHONE: you...won't be able to get into the pockets. 
ALEPH: i don't need pockets.

LANCE: there's a song about driving, wanna hear it? 
ALEPH: what's it called. 
LANCE: Born to Be Wild. 
ALEPH [firm]: no. 
LANCE: [laughing] oh no no, i mean, uh, Barney the Dinosaur Likes to Drive.
ALEPH: really?
LANCE: yes! 
ALEPH: no.

[Pesach Day 7] 
BET [despairingly]: i've forgotten what everything i like tastes like! 

[Hard To Argue With This]
BET: abba, why are you sad? it would be worser if i killed you. 

BET [re: my library book]: what's that about? 
PPHONE: um. werewolves? 
BET: who's that woman? 
PPHONE: she's married to one of them. 
BET: does he kill her? 
PPHONE [laughing]: what? no! he loves her. 
BET: well what happens?
PPHONE: i don't know! i haven't read it yet. all i know is she's having a baby. 
BET: well when you finish it, can you just tell me: does he EAT the baby?

[bet composes superman-style tagline for wonder woman] 
"look, up in the sky! it's an american flag! it' almost-naked woman! it's..." 

ALEPH: you know what i hate most in the world? 
BET: aveiros? 
ALEPH: no, eating poop & pee. 
BET: and also aveiros?

[follow-up question]
BET: eema, which is more important? not doing aveiros or not eating poop? 
PPHONE: not eating poop. 
BET: what?! 
PPHONE: [heretic] sorry. 

ALEPH: ♪ if he kills me, right-before-he-does, i'll order someone to kill him, after-he-kills-me ♪

ALEPH: what happens on yom ha'atzmaut? 
PPHONE: [lectures on state of israel's birth] 
ALEPH: see, i thought what happens is i go to a party at yeshiva university.

BET: does your soul ever go back in your body after you die? 
PPHONE: no. i mean, Hashem could make it, but He doesn't. that's a really big miracle called t'chiyat hameitim, bringing dead people back to life, and Hashem doesn't do miracles like that nowadays. 
BET: oh right! like zombies?

ALEPH: is 20 x 50 a thousand? i thought so. because 10 times 100 is a thousand, and 50 is half of 100, so...all i have to do is double the 10s.

[bet has to draw his math homework, but he gets to decide what to depict it with:] 
"that's 2 people who do ballet + 5 people who do ballet. i gave them extra arms because they're twirling so fast." 
"that's 2 aliens in a spaceship." 
"you might think that's a door, but it's really a house with a forcefield around it."  

BET: are you making macaroni & cheese? 
PPHONE: yes! how did you know? 
BET: i smelled it. 
[note: only thing in pot so far = water]

ALEPH: [wakes me up way too early] can you tell me where bet went? he's not in the bedroom or bathroom or living room.
PPHONE: [blearily] wha?
ALEPH: [comes back] oh sorry he's in bed actually i didn't see him there sorry

ALEPH: eema, i want to ask you. have you ever been in space before?



Tine said...

Please tell me these two are planning a career in stand-up comedy. :D

Thalia said...

Love! Happy birthday boys.

Same Nice Person said...

Happy birthday Aleph and Bet!

I really enjoy these posts. Your boys are brilliant.

jane said...

Amazing. It's like a present for the rest of us! Happy birthday, boys. And xo to you.