Today was the last day. From now on I can wear new clothes, listen to music. From now on I won't fit into a box even strangers understand: I'm in shloshim for my sister. From now on I...God, I don't want there to BE a 'from now on'. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to get up and start walking.
A, I've only begun to understand what it will be like to live in your absence. It's still the silly things that make me want to call you up, not the profound ones. Guess what - they're remaking Thundercats. You're never going to believe this, but I'm on youtube. And another thing about these glasses with tiny lenses you made me get: the last time I pushed them up, I poked myself in the eye! I hear your laugh in my head, the one that starts out like a grownup and winds up like Ernie. I can't believe you're not just out of sight, around a corner. I can't believe I won't hear or see you again.
It's been a privilege to talk about you this month, to say the things you'd never let me say to your face. How much I learned from you. How awed I am by the things you managed to do. How much light you brought into a room every time you entered it; how much joy you brought into our family, ever since you were born.
I can see, with the opened eyes of the bereaved, that you were something of an angel. But I'd trade that awfully-won knowledge anytime. I just want my human little sister back.
There is no ending to this. Only hard beginnings, over and over and over.
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6 comments:
I'm not normally an Internet hugger, but:
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
Sending lots of love your way.
Beautifully written. I'm wishing you strength as you move forward.
Okay. That made me cry. And laugh. Especially the glasses bit, since we talked about those ;)
It's always the silly little things that get you, that catch you off guard. I hope the time comes that you will be warmed and comforted by all your memories. much love to you, my friend.
This made me cry. I'm so sorry.
It's still the silly things that make me want to call you up, not the profound ones. Guess what - they're remaking Thundercats. You're never going to believe this, but I'm on youtube. And another thing about these glasses with tiny lenses you made me get: the last time I pushed them up, I poked myself in the eye!
I enjoyed reading these (and learning that your sister laughed like Ernie!). Perhaps when you want to call her up to tell her such things, you can post them, as if to her, here?
I'm so sorry Pesach came too soon for you. I hope the holiday has been bringing you some happiness.
A very beautiful post, I wish you could have done without the reason to write it.
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