run for your lives!

My mother always loved when one of her kids turned 3, because when anyone asked how old we were, we always said "I'm FREE!"

My kids go one better. "Hey Bet and Aleph, how old are you today?"

"FLEE!!"

***

And now, because I love you so much (and for a limited time only) I bring you a blast from Year One, or as Aleph and Bet like to call it, "Laughing Babies." Note: that's Mary Poppins talking, not me. My line doesn't come up till the middle of this video:

"Best. movie. ever."

[sorry. all gone!]

the cliffs of insanity

Tell me it's normal to veer between joy and despair when parenting the almost-threes.

Their developmental leaps are so amazing: suddenly they can catch a ball from several feet away, fix each other's train tracks, or sing a spontaneous (and on-key) duet of ma nishtana. And yet every time I turned around for the last two days somebody was hitting, somebody was crying, and somebody was yelling NONONO IWILLNEVER NOTATALL.

Yes, I know that's three kids. It seemed like it too. Oh, also somebody was caught with the pump of the liquid soap in his mouth, and somebody else was caught climbing a bookcase. I'm feeling the urgent need for a disciplinary tool other than time-outs, because by the 4th one today, I could swear I heard thumb-twiddling rather than crying.

In between the madness, they managed to come out with the following:

MOVE OVER, STEPHEN KING

BET: [waving animal figures in the air while I change him] Lion and tiger ate you up!

EEMA: They ate me all up?

BET: They ate all of your parts!

EEMA: Oh my goodness.

BET: Your face and body crumbs fell out of their mouth!

EEMA:

EEMA: [helpless with laughter]

MOVE OVER, MARGARET WISE BROWN

ALEPH: [referring to the doll we saw on top of an air conditioner last week] Why isn't the doll outside anymore?

EEMA: They probably took it inside. I mean, that would be a silly place to keep a doll, right? Dolls can't live outside.

ALEPH: Why not?

EEMA: Well, what if it rained?

ALEPH: I would change her clothes.

EEMA: What if the wind blew her away?

ALEPH: I would catch her.

EEMA: What if it snowed right on top of her?

ALEPH: I would warm her up in the microwave.

EEMA: [barely hanging onto straight face] Um. Well, what if she fell off? That air conditioner is pretty high up.

ALEPH: I would give her a kiss!

Good night boys, good work, sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

calvin, meet hobbes. hobbes, calvin.

ALEPH: Bet, is there any trouble on your tracks?

BET: Nope.

ALEPH: [hopeful grin] Are you going to MAKE any trouble?

random things i felt you should know:

Hello, my name is Persephone, and I would dearly love to own a frying pan which does not tilt down to one side, such that half the pan gets overdone while the other half is still raw.

Also, a way to fry 3 batches of anything containing raw eggs, such that I do not end up washing my hands 15 times. Thank you.

When putting a stuffed animal to sleep in the cradle, the stuffed animal will then need a still smaller animal to sleep with. DUH, Eema.

A kosher bandana makes what must be the cutest toddler headcovering you've ever seen. Especially when it's rainbow tiedye. My boys wore them to preschool this week. At their request.

Come to think of it, they're also extremely fond of their rainbow tiedye rainboots. I once came home and found them working with playdough while Mary Poppins prepped dinner. Aleph was dressed in his very best pajamas... and boots. Bet was wearing his plushest striped bathrobe, a diaper... and boots. The effect somehow escaped toddler pimp.

Despite the name, you should not in fact eat a kosher bandana. 'Kosher' in this case is a shameless marketing gimmick, being apparently a euphemism for 'with elastic', aka, a bandana for dummies. Aka, the first one Persephone has ever been able to wear without (a) looking like a babushka (b) it slipping off my head whenever I'm not busy wanting to tear it off.

The rainbow one, though, looks much better on the kids than on me.

Bet is starting to seriously remind me of Calvin. He's taken to pulling one segment of train track out of alignment, then saying "Uh ohhhhhhh! Some trouble up aheaaaad!" while he chugs Thomas toward disaster.

Aleph has required me to fashion a strap for his mini guitar. He needed it so he could march while playing, then let go of the guitar to clap and spin around. Laurie Berkner style.

That is all.

irony: a play in two parts

Scene: Bet is lying down while I change him. He presses one eyelid half closed with his thumb, then the other, and looks through them at me. I've never seen him do this before.

EEMA: What are you doing?

BET: [with a tiny smile] Now there's two of you.

EEMA: [Ha! You wish.]

EEMA: [Or wait. Is that I wish?]

***

Scene: Aleph has put two stuffed animals in an upturned hat and is sitting on the couch, cradling the hat on his lap.

ALEPH: [happily] I'm holding my babies.

[one minute later]

ALEPH: I got tired of holding my babies. You hold them.

EEMA: [Heh. Tell me about it.]

EEMA: Why don't you just put them down?

ALEPH: Nooooooooooooooo, YOU have to hold them.

EEMA: [Wait. Something about this seems... strangely familiar.]

hahahahaha psych.

Scene: Bet is not thrilled with his old doggie pajamas, seeing as how Aleph has brand new lion ones.

EEMA: Hey Bet, do you know what it says on your shirt? 'My best buddy.'

BET: [starting to smile] Yeah.

EEMA: Is the doggie your best buddy?

BET: No.

EEMA: Who's your best buddy?

BET: [matter-of-factly] Aleph.

EEMA: [omg. they like each other! they really like each other!]

ALEPH: [in background] I am NOT his buddy at ALL!

breakfast with prince charming

ALEPH: Eema, I want another waffle.

EEMA: I think you had enough waffle. It's time to eat something else. How about... blueberry yogurt?

ALEPH: No.

EEMA: Toast? Cheerios?

ALEPH: No.

EEMA: Ooh, I know. [winning smile] Milk?

ALEPH: [winning smile PLUS raised eyebrows] Um, um, chocolate milk did you say?

criblog: anyone? anyone? bueller?

Scene: Sometime after 7 AM.

ALEPH: Bet, are you interested in waking up right now?

*crickets*

criblog: the song of the count

Scene: I have no idea what Aleph is telling Bet he can't do - I hear the beginning of each sentence, but then he drops off to a mumble - but he sure has a long list of reasons why not.

ALEPH: ...Third of all, blahblahblah. Fourth of all, blahblahblah. Fiveth of all, blahblahblah. Fourth of all...

[short pause]

ALEPH: onetwothreefourfive Sixth of all,

file under: narrowly unsaid

BET: Eema, why don't we have a sister?

EEMA:

EEMA: [um, what birds and bees?]

EEMA: [I'm guessing "because day 5 blasts are more likely to be boys" is not what you're looking for?]

EEMA: [oh, sweetie. you have no idea.]

riding in cars with aleph

Scene: On the way to Bubby & Zayde for Pesach. The direct approach sometimes backfires in the car, so I haven't declared it naptime, but I'm about to put on a naptime CD.

ALEPH: No Eema, no songs. It's better to sit quietly for a few minutes.

EEMA: Oh good, is it Quiet Time? [Quiet Time^TM: the half-hour before bedtime, which generally consists of soft lighting, low voices, and Rockabye Baby U2 or the Cure (thank you, Emma.)]

ALEPH: No, we don't need Quiet Time. Just a few minutes of quiet. ...With sitting. Just some quiet sitting.

Note: Aleph is out cold within 5 minutes.

***

Scene: Aleph discovers a new friend at Bubby & Zayde's, and invites her to his crib.

ALEPH: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Minnie Mouse. I would like to sleeeeeeeeeep with you.

***

Scene: Aleph finds me stretched out on Bubby & Zayde's couch, feet crossed, reading a novel.

ALEPH: Ooh, Eema, can I read you a story?

EEMA: Sure.

[Aleph picks up another random novel and lies down exactly like me.]

ALEPH: A man grabs a toy from a child.

EEMA: Oh no. Then what happened?

ALEPH: Another man grabs a toy from another child.

EEMA: Oh my goodness. How will they get their toys back?

ALEPH: When the man is finished using them.

[Duh.]

EEMA: That's quite a story, Aleph. What's it called?

ALEPH: Men Grabbing Toys from Children.

[Double duh.]

now i'm going to have nightmares

From behind me in the car: *click*

is that noise what I think it is?

ALEPH: [brightly] Zayde presses this button to open my buckle!

yes. yes it is.

My still-2-year-old now knows how to unbuckle his own car seat.

And I thought the time he unlocked and swung open the front door was scary.

make that an awwwwwwww

Scene: Trying to cook for shabbat without children underfoot. NotMary Poppins is here for expressly that reason, but is not... shall we say... all that effective. Aleph has been in and out of the kitchen every 5 minutes.

ALEPH: [running in again] Eema, Bet says he's not gonna be done with the guitar at all!

EEMA: [poking head into playroom] Bet, do you remember what happens if you say you're not going to be done at all?

BET: Yeah.

EEMA: A grownup has to decide when you're done.

BET: I'm gonna be done in three minutes.

EEMA: OK, Aleph, it will be your turn in three minutes.

ALEPH: But Eema, I need help waiting!

EEMA: OK, sweetheart. Ask NotMary Poppins to help you.

ALEPH: [looking down and toeing the floor] But... I need my best grownup.

noted, your majesty

Scene: Bet wakes up crying from his nap. Snuggles on my shoulder, rubbing snot all over me in the process. When he pulls away he notices puzzling wet spots on my shirt.

BET: This doesn't look too good. [swiping ineffectually] Eema, clean it.

***

Scene: College pizza joint. Rock has been blaring nonstop since we arrived. Bet is oblivious to everything but his mac & cheese... until White Wedding comes on.

BET: I don't like this one.

[White Wedding shifts tempo.]

BET: I don't like this one, either.

***

Scene: Last two times I served tortellini / ravioli.

BET: This is goooood.

BET: [finishes first bowl] I want more.

BET: [finishes second bowl] I want more.

EEMA: There is no more, honey. We ate it all up.

BET: [scolding] Next time, Eema, make sure to buy more!

***

Scene: Any time I talk to another grownup.

BET: Don't talk, Eema! Don'ttalk don'ttalk don'ttalk!

EEMA: You can't tell me not to talk, honey.

BET: Talk to ME!

send. help.

Things you don't want to hear behind your back, part 2:

"I peed in the refrigerator!"

a poem in the afternoon

The boys are jumping on our bed, their (and my) favorite way of shaking off the post-nap cranky. Luckily one of the beds is king-size, so it's a plenty large enough trampoline for two small boys. (Un?)luckily it's also ready to be thrown out, so a little more abuse makes no difference.

The walls of our bedroom are painted a deep, almost french blue. The bed linens are various shades of violet. The boys in their brightly colored tees and leggings make me want to film them, flying up in the air in technicolor and floating back down.

Aleph is jumping with his arms over his head. Suddenly he stretches as high as he can and says, "I can reach the sun!"

He stops jumping and comes over to me, looking at his hands. "I'm holding the sun!" He brings his cupped hands up to my face.

"Where are you putting it? On my cheeks?" I ask, charmed.

He brings them up higher and smiles a tiny smile. "In your eyes," he says, and spills them out.

remedial twin parenting

Next on the list of basic things that terrified me, but most twin moms probably mastered years ago: I took the kids out for pizza tonight. Just me. By myself. We all seem to have survived, unless letting Bet eat a bowl of macaroni & cheese larger than his head ends up killing him. The boys were pretty near angelic. Even the cashier guy, a single twentysomething I would have thought immune, told me they were cute kids after this exchange:

PERSEPHONE: [scanning menu at register] OK, we need one mac & cheese.

BET: [earnestly to cashier] We need some pasta!

PERSEPHONE: And -

BET: We NEED some pasta!

PERSEPHONE: Make that two mac & cheeses.

ALEPH: [equally earnestly to cashier] And we ALSO need some pizza!

I bet they could have just ordered for themselves if I'd let them.

So we got through the walking there, the waiiiiiiiting for our order, the not shouting or running away or tipping over your chair. They played hand games and asked for stories until the food came, and then it was just munch munch munch munch. They walked back in an overtired/carb-loaded daze, and I tried to pretend people we passed on the sidewalk weren't glaring at me for keeping my kids out so late. And then we were finally home, and it was way past bedtime, and I had them thisclose to pajamas and they said...

ALEPH AND BET: I'm still hungry!

Of course.

snapshot: a year ago january

We're at the grandparents'. The boys are still nursing but crazy about their solid food, too. I don't want them to see and beg for the fresh strawberries I'm slicing into my bowl of cereal, so I'm doing it up on the high counter.

I think the boys are busy on the other side of the kitchen but when I turn around, they're clustered around my ankles. Two round faces stare up at me bigeyed, like Toy Story aliens at The Claw.

One of them says, solemnly, "sawbabas."

oedipus bet

It's going to be kind of sad / frightening when Bet decides to turn his loverboy powers on someone other than me.

***

Scene: at the dinner table.

BET: Eema, I want your hand.

EEMA: I can't hold your hand while we're eating, Bet. But I love you.

BET: [munches for a while. then looks at me from under his lashes]

BET: Wanna... hug me?

***

Scene: out of nowhere. There's almost no sound, but I suddenly realize Bet is whispering.

BET: Eeeeeemaaaaaa. Eeeeeemaaaaaa.

i'm sorry, HAL

Scene: I'm trying to send an uncharacteristically important email while Aleph is leaning on my arm / crying in my ear for a video. As usual, it's not clear whether he's upset because I'm not giving him what he wants, or because I'm engaged with the computer anything instead of him. Also as usual, I am losing it just slightly.

EEMA: Aleph, I'm going to let you watch a video in one minute, but I need to finish this first! You just need to let me focus for one minute so I can finish this!

ALEPH: [wailing] I caaaaaan't let you dooooooo that!