The hardest part is remembering what she looked like, that week when she was barely alive. The hardest part is remembering what she used to look like before that. The hardest part is when I can't remember something from before that, when I say something was A's favorite and someone else says no, that wasn't A, that was you, and we'll never be able to ask her and it's just gone. The hardest part is when something was gone years ago but resurfaces in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of playing with my kids, and I'm in tears with no control over them. The hardest part is walking around feeling raw in a way no one can see, like I have no skin. The hardest part is the edge of sadness that underlies everything. Everything.
I have a husband I love and adorable kids and I want to be happy, for them. I can't picture when I ever will.
11 comments:
You will. But it will creep up on you unawares, all sideways glances and fleeting glimpses. It will take forever. It will be in the blink of an eye. The wound will never heal, but you will be happy around it.
I love you, friend.
I am sorry for your loss.
It's only been three months. It just happened, really. It's okay (and totally normal) to still be in the place where you are. You'll be happy again.
You're allowed to take your time.
It wouldn't be right if you had moved past it already.
For me, the grief changed. It became less sharp and raw, more a part of who I am. I was no longer Grieving Woman, but a woman with grief. I still have those times where I am kicked in the chest with the shock of the permanence of death, but not as often.
It hasn't stopped, per se, but I am able to be happy and enjoy my husband and kids, my life. I know my mom would have wanted that, so it makes it easier. But we all are different and grieve in different ways and there is no one right way here.
{{{hugs}}} I really like how emma put it.
I am so, so sorry.
I also like how Emma put it. And everyone else, actually. You had a very long time to live with loving her (not long enough, I know), so why should it take only a little time to learn how to live with losing her?
Happiness will come. The hardest parts will always be the hardest parts, but someday, they won't be quite as raw. You can't picture it, but it will come.
love you & sending one big fat squeeze-the-breath-out-of-you hug
You know this, of course, having faced many challenges before. But I'll say it out loud because it's a reminder that helps me sometimes: The only way past it is through it. You will get there if you just keep moving. I'm wishing you strength for the journey.
It's no help to hear that this is a beautiful portrait of grief. Who wants that? You want your sister back.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I read your first post after your sister died and my heart went out to you. I lost my mother 6 months ago. She was ill for eight years (the result of the same car accident that killed my father). So I have a lot of experience with grief. I do think having adorable children helps, and you don't need to be happy for them - you are raising children who will be sensitive to the pain of others and appreciative of the loving relationships in their lives. Kids are good at being happy, and you will start to have flashes of feeling joy with them.
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