it wasn't for the antibodies

I've written a lot about my (mostly successful) struggle to breastfeed my twins. But I've never told you this story.

When I was in the middle of it, I was all tangled up in logistics. Breastfeeding twins can be relatively simple - 2x the demand => 2x the supply, right? - but it can also be anything but. My boys had a lot of things working against them, and so did I. Figuring out what was helping our efforts, and what was hurting them, took most of the concentration I had.

The first few weeks was probably the only time I thought not just about 'how', but 'whether' and 'why'. How important was this to me? How hard was I going to fight for it, how long, and at what cost? (Answers: very; very; very; and possibly too much.) After that, my mind was made up. Everything else had to get out of the way.

So when I wrote about breastfeeding while it was happening, and probably for a while after weaning, too, I think I was primarily hoping to teach. If someone else out there was fighting for the same thing I was, I didn't want them to have to make the same mistakes, too. It's hard enough figuring it out on your own with one baby; when you have two babies or more, other people's experience can be invaluable.

But my babies are four years old, now. They've been weaned since they were two. The 'how' has faded; so, obviously, has the 'whether.' What I think about now, when I look back, is why. Why was this so important to me? Why did I fight so hard?

I thought, at the time, it was because of years of infertility. My body had come to seem like a black hole: utterly unable to sustain life. Pregnancy after IVF was healing, to some extent, but not as much as I'd hoped. It was a dream come true, yes. But…it still felt impossible. Do you know what I mean? Like something out of science fiction. So for me, breastfeeding felt like my last chance to nurture my babies with my body. I wanted to prove something to myself, I suppose. I wanted to feel, finally, like my body could do something natural. But I also just wanted it.

See, there's someone else in this story.

Not just in the story. She was in the room. My sister.

My sister, who was diagnosed with breast cancer as a young mother, before I ever had children. Who had a double mastectomy, in hopes of preventing it from ever coming back. Who'd been so happy breastfeeding her first baby. Who had to decide what would break her heart more: to breastfeed her second baby for just a few weeks, then wean in order to start cancer treatment - or not to breastfeed at all. Who would never have the chance to breastfeed a baby again.

In my memory, it seems like my sister is with me in the hospital for my entire five-day stay, though I know she didn't sleep there and of course she must have taken breaks. She was just there a lot. I didn't realize what that would mean beforehand; I don't know if she did, either. Because I spent most of those days topless. Attached to one baby, attached to the other baby, attached to the pump, or just plain too sore to put on my bra. It was All Breasts, All The Time in that room.

And I don't remember ever seeing pain or grief on her face. All I ever saw was support. Enthusiastic, all-out, eye of the tiger support. She hadn't offered an opinion on whether I should try to breastfeed; I don't know if we even talked about it, before I delivered. She just showed up when the babies were born, to give me whatever kind of support I needed. And stayed. And became, whether she realized it or not, my quietest and biggest cheerleader.

I didn't tell her until years later what that meant to me. How mind-boggling it was, when I had enough distance to think about it. We didn't talk about it at all in the moment. We didn't need to say it, I guess. It was there for both of us the whole time: this is precious. this is worth fighting for.

This is for you, sister of mine. Thank you. Thank you.

no need to adjust your television

This weekend aliens abducted my son and replaced him with a pod child who will one day rise up and kill us in our sleep, or something.

Either that, or feeding therapy works.

BET: What's that?

EEMA: Gravy.

BET: I don't like gravy.

BET: Actually I've never tried gravy.

BET: I would really love to try that.

[Eema reattaches jaw]

EEMA: Really? Okay, here's a bite of chicken with gravy.

BET: That doesn't taste good in my mouth.

[pause]

BET: But it is yummy!

BET: Can I have some more? I LOVE chicken with gravy.

the year in quotes

For those of you who missed them, things my kids (who are FOUR today!!!) said (way back when they were three) that made me laugh.

***

After a standoff. ALEPH: How do I break you? EEMA: What?? ALEPH: I want to know how to break you. EEMA: Why do you want to know that? ALEPH: I need to know how you're made. So I know how to break you.

BET [hands fisted and nostrils flared]: Is it okay if we never go to sleep EVER AGAIN??

ALEPH: If you let me give you zorberts without tickling me, I will let you tickle me tomorrow. Is that a good deal?

ALEPH: Well, I think I almost know everything.

BET [talking to himself in bed]: Sesame Street is a... production of the... Children's Television Workshop.

ALEPH: [singing] seventeen eighteen nineteen, but can I tell you something there's no tenteen, is there I don't think so

BET: [clutching my neck] No don't go, I don't want you to go, you can't leave me!! EEMA: You know what? If you say goodbye nicely, you can watch a video. BET: [tiny pause] Bye.

LANCE: Aleph, you're not cooperating. ALEPH: I'm not so good at cooperating. LANCE: Well, maybe you need to practice. That's how you learn. ALEPH: That's one way of learning. Can you think of another way?

BET plays a game all school break called "sorry, I have to leeeeeeeave you now!" He instructs me to "be sad until I come back."

ALEPH [at midnight, loudly, to sound-asleep roommate]: Bet, I'm just gonna go someplace! If you want to come with me, you can.

ALEPH [self-talk at the childproof fire escape gate]: Ohhhhh IgetitIgetitIgetit, you just open this right here. [pause] That doesn't work. Ohhhhh IseeIseeIsee, you can't open it.

ALEPH: Why can't I see the planets? EEMA: Well, you can only see them at nighttime. ALEPH: But why can't I see them big? EEMA: Oh! You can only see them big with a telescope. Or a spaceship. ALEPH: Well, do we have any telescopes? EEMA: No. ALEPH: ...spaceships?

EEMA [after one too many "are we there yet?"s]: Bet, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. LANCE: Dude. BET: Toad.

BET: You have ten train cars and I only have five. I need one of yours. [Aleph gives him a car.] BET: I need one more. ALEPH: [sigh] Bet, I can't keep giving you cars. Every time I give you a car, you ask me for another one.

BET: I want a banana. EEMA: [brings banana] BET: This banana has a brown spot. EEMA: [cuts out brown spot] BET: This banana has a hole in it.

Reading a story where someone has a big secret. ALEPH: My biggest secret is I love you. BET: My biggest secret is a monkey.

ALEPH: Here's a present, Eema! [brings over new toy box] EEMA: Thanks! What is it? ALEPH: Oh wait. [peers at the 2+ age warning] Looks like it says... 'Not for Eemas'. Sorry.

ALEPH [lotioned, conditioned, & stark naked]: Now I'm absolutely the way I want to be!

A bedtime story. LANCE: One day Aleph & Bet went to a sandwich shop. ALEPH [interjecting]: And then Aleph said, is your sandwich made in a nutfree 'acility? LANCE [slightly stunned]: Uh... I don't know. ALEPH: Well then I cannot eat it.

BET: Aleph, I hurt myself. Can you kiss me? ALEPH: *mwah!* EEMA: [keels over in dead faint]

Videochat with me while I'm in Israel: ALEPH: It would have been nicer if you took us with you.

Propping up Bet's elevated track with 4 blocks. BET: No, two! I want two!! EEMA: I think it really needs four. BET: No, twoooooooooooo! EEMA: Okay, then just take 2 out and you'll have 2 left. But it might fall down if you do that. BET: I think it's better if I sit on your lap and think about it for a little while.

ALEPH: Eema, sing a song about Thomas and a cow. EEMA: Uhhhh, I don't know that song. ALEPH: Well, just make it up! EEMA: I don't really know how to make up songs. ALEPH: Eema, let me tell you about making up a song. You just sit down quietly, and *think* about it, and then... you sing it.

ALEPH: [punches numbers on calculator, then holds it out]: I love you this much, Eema.

ALEPH: Eema, when I'm a grownup I still might not want to put my pants on by myself. EEMA: [snarfle] Really? Huh. So who's going to do that for you? ALEPH: Well, I think you might find me a nice girl to marry. EEMA: You don't think you want to do that part yourself, either? ALEPH: No.

ALEPH [in robot pajamas]: My name is John. And I am a They Might Be Giant.

ALEPH: Knock knock. EEMA: Who's there? ALEPH: Aleph. EEMA: Aleph who? ALEPH: Aren't you glad I didn't say Bet?

ALEPH: My mouth feels itchy. EEMA: It does? Did it start before you ate the strawberries, or after? ALEPH: I just love that itching medicine so much. I want to know when I can have some more.

BET: Eema...you really wear me out. EEMA: (whoops with laughter) (recovers) Who says that, Bet? BET: Olivia's mother.

overheard [in robot voices]: ALEPH: you.cannot.be.the.boss.of.me BET: but.i.have.to.be.the.boss.of.someone

ALEPH: Abba, you never let me do ANYTHING I WANT with Eema in the middle of the night!

BET: Eema, don't look at what I'm doing. [carefully pours water into the salt shaker]

***

Happy birthday, funny boys. I love you.

luckily, the brainwashing is strong with this one

Scene: It's been raining for like ever, and we're all kinda losing it especially me, and I thought I'd succeeded in shooing the boys out to stomp in puddles with Lance. But Bet became freaked out by the presence of strangers next door [the neighbors' son, actually, but he is NOT USUALLY HOME, HORRORS]. He's now back huddling on my lap and attempting to convince me it's best if we all stay inside. Together. At all times.

EEMA: Well, I think you need to go outside sometimes. Actually, I need to go outside sometimes. I get kind of cranky and grouchy and grumpy if I don't get outside for too long.

BET: [in his best eema-you're-so-silly voice] Well you're not grouchy today.

EEMA: [after hopefully not noticeable pause] ...No?

BET: Because you're so happy you get to stay home with ME.

what? are we not making this look like fun???

ALEPH: [crying] Eema, I don't want to be a grownup.

EEMA: You're not a grownup.

ALEPH: [crying harder] I don't EVER want to be a grownup.

EEMA: Why not?

ALEPH: [sobbing full out] Because it's gonna be too hard to take care of the kids I'm gonna get.

EEMA: Wow. Uh... you have kids if you want to have kids, honey.

ALEPH: Do you think we can daven to Hashem to tell Him I don't want to have kids? Because I'm not sure He knows that.

the song remains the same

So the first thing you need to know is that Bet is scared of monsters, and of being eaten, and of course of being eaten by monsters. He'll play with a dinosaur happily during the daytime, but that night, out of nowhere he'll say "please don't let the dinosaur eat me."

The second thing is that although we tell the boys they can't fill up on X until they have some Y, we try not to set up one food as more desirable than another. We just say you need to eat different kinds of food, because if you only eat one kind of food, you might turn into it. Ho ho ho. Come on, have a bite of green beans.

With these two pieces of information, you can totally write the following ending yourself. And yet until he said it, I somehow never did.

BET: Can I have more lasagna?

EEMA: First have some of your veggies.

BET: I can't just eat lasagna. Because if I only eat lasagna, I might turn into lasagna.

EEMA: That's right.

BET: And then someone might EAT me.

help. meeeeeeeee.

EEMA: [finishes singing tonight's bedtime song request, ZYX]

BET: That's the alphabet backwards!

EEMA: Yeah! Now let's do it forwards. [opens mouth to sing the ABC]

ALEPH: Or we could do ZYX backwards. Because ZYX backwards is the same as ABC forwards.

nobody expects the spanish inquisition

BET: Who made you, Eema?

EEMA: My eema and abba made me.

ALEPH: No, Hashem made you!

EEMA: [oops.] Yes, Hashem too. There are 3 partners to make a baby: the eema, the abba, and Hashem.

BET: Who made me, Eema?

EEMA: Eema, Abba, and Hashem! [oops.] ...andafewdoctors.

too long for twitter

Scene: Aleph is trying to tell me something, but I can't understand him no matter how I try. The train needs to go fash? ...flash? ...fashed? ...frashed??? Aleph is in tears by the time I finally get it. FAST. Duh. Of course. I hug him, and talk about how frustrated he must be. Then Aleph pulls himself together.

ALEPH: Now you say something and I won't understand you.

[Note: We've never done this before.]

EEMA: Hey, that's a good idea. Okay. Um... oogalie boogalie.

ALEPH: [smiling] Snoogalie boogalie?

EEMA: [cracking up, but trying to wail] Nooooooooooo! Oogalie boogalie!

ALEPH: Floogalie boogalie?

***

Seriously, how did this kid get so awesome?

i'll be wrapped around your finger

Scene: one of the many disordered naps around here lately. Aleph woke up crying, lay down on the futon with me for a while, then crawled back in bed to sleep again. Bet was sleeping soundly, but couldn't go back to sleep once Aleph woke him up. He's still on the futon with me.

BET: Where did Aleph go?

EEMA: He went back to sleep.

BET: [whispering] Ohhh. Maybe this can be special Eema-and-Bet time.

EEMA: [Awwww!] Okay.

BET: [still whispering] Let's go in the other room.

EEMA: Okay.

[now in living room]

BET: [still whispering] Can I watch a video.

oh. THIS is a nice statement. it's... LOTS of fun.

ALEPH: [stopping mid-tantrum] Can I see if you have some uh, jewelry to put on?

EEMA: Hee. Okay. What kind of jewelry do you think I should put on?

ALEPH: I think some uh earrings, and maybe a necklace. I'll go see what you have.

EEMA: Oh, good choice. [puts them on]

ALEPH: [with look of mild horror] Uhhhh... I'll just go see if I can find you some different ones.

EEMA: Why, what's wrong with these ones?

ALEPH: I just wanted you to look PRETTY.

spin me another story, bet

on nail biting:
My finger got shorter. I ate part of it.

on (completely innocuous) painting of daffodils:
Why is that flower yelling? [how do you know it's yelling?] Its mouth is open. And it doesn't look happy.

on sleep regression (this is pretty much how it seemed to me, too):
I CAN'T stay in my room. All I do is come out and come out and then I never go to sleep EVER again.

more tales of the davkanik*

*also known as: Opposite Boy

ALEPH: Can I have some cheese on my challah roll?

EEMA: No, we're having cheese for lunch.

ALEPH: But I need something to cover my butter.

EEMA: You could have honey, or jam...

ALEPH: [starting to smile] Just say one of them.

EEMA: ... Jam.

ALEPH: [grinning, and nearly instantaneous] No, honey.

is there anything you boys want to tell me?

part 1

Scene: Bet takes a book to bed for naptime, flips through a few pages, and realizes he can't tell this story to himself. He starts to cry.

BET: Eema, I need a different book!

EEMA: I'm sorry Bet, you can't come out for another one. It's naptime, you need to stay in your bed.

BET: But I don't knoooooow this story!

EEMA: I know, honey. It's okay. You can look at the pictures.

BET: But Eeeeeeeeeema! I can't read the WOOOOOORDS!

part 2

Scene: Aleph is playing with his new Playmobil fireman.

ALEPH: Eema, I think you're wrong. It's not a fireman, it's a firewoman.

EEMA: [looks more closely] Hey, I think you're right. How did you know that?

ALEPH: Because it says so on the box!

EEMA: Uh... what!?!

ALEPH: See? [points to picture on box]

EEMA: Oh. [phew!] But how did you know from the picture?

ALEPH: [points to chin-length bob] Because it's a hair of the woman.

EEMA: Ah. Because it's a hair of the woman. I see.

[and then, just when I relax]

ALEPH: But I think the box needs a W for woman.

necessity is the toddler of invention

We've had quite a time getting the boys to stay in bed at nap & bedtime, since they figured out our weak spot: toilet training. I am tired. Lance is tired. The boys MUST be tired, because they're sure doing a whole lot less sleeping.

EEMA: Okay, does everyone remember the new rule? Your potty is next to your bed. Don't come out to get me unless you pooped and you need help wiping. If you need to pee, you can do that by yourself.

ALEPH: [opens door first time] I need help wiping.

EEMA: Did you poop?

ALEPH: No, just peed, but I need help wiping my pee. [NOTE: It would never otherwise occur to him to do this.]

EEMA: Here's a tissue; you can do it yourself.

ALEPH: [opens door ten seconds later] I peed again, so I need another tissue.

EEMA: [Why didn't I see this coming?] Okay. Here's another one, and I'm giving you the box to take with you.

ALEPH: [opens door ten seconds after that] I need a garbage can to put my tissues in.

shhhhhhhhh, fool. you're giving away the PLAN

Scene: Après standoff with small fry.

ALEPH: How do I break you?

EEMA: What?!

ALEPH: I want to know how to break you.

EEMA: Why do you want to know that?

ALEPH: I need to know how you're made. So I know how to break you.

insert joke here*

LANCE: Aleph, you're not cooperating.

ALEPH: Well, cooperating is not my best thing.


*...self-knowledge: check

...but i AM very good at bossing!

...and you're not really lighting my profile right, either

lovely.

Scene: New game across the breakfast table.

BET: [shoots fist out toward Aleph] HIT YOU pretend!

ALEPH: [shoots fist out toward Bet] HIT YOU pretend!

*sigh*

Might need to get these children karate lessons. Or at least a punching bag.

am srsly reconsidering this toilet training hype

after being wakened at 4 AM by a small frantic apparition at bedside saying "I need to pee! I need to PEE!" with the monitor simultaneously shrieking, "wait! where did you GO??"

thank goodness shanna sent peanut-free chocolate

What's more fun than finding one of your boys beating the other one on the head with a metal* Thomas when you're not looking?

Having him stare you in the face while he beats the other one on the head the next time.

Runner up: having the other boy pee on the fabric** seat of a city bus. ...Twice. Ten minutes after you finished cleaning up the first time. In front of mostly the same people.

I'm kind of wishing for the days when all he peed on was the contents of the refrigerator.

*Really, who thought was this a good idea??
**Really, who???