help. meeeeeeeee.

EEMA: [finishes singing tonight's bedtime song request, ZYX]

BET: That's the alphabet backwards!

EEMA: Yeah! Now let's do it forwards. [opens mouth to sing the ABC]

ALEPH: Or we could do ZYX backwards. Because ZYX backwards is the same as ABC forwards.

nobody expects the spanish inquisition

BET: Who made you, Eema?

EEMA: My eema and abba made me.

ALEPH: No, Hashem made you!

EEMA: [oops.] Yes, Hashem too. There are 3 partners to make a baby: the eema, the abba, and Hashem.

BET: Who made me, Eema?

EEMA: Eema, Abba, and Hashem! [oops.] ...andafewdoctors.

too long for twitter

Scene: Aleph is trying to tell me something, but I can't understand him no matter how I try. The train needs to go fash? ...flash? ...fashed? ...frashed??? Aleph is in tears by the time I finally get it. FAST. Duh. Of course. I hug him, and talk about how frustrated he must be. Then Aleph pulls himself together.

ALEPH: Now you say something and I won't understand you.

[Note: We've never done this before.]

EEMA: Hey, that's a good idea. Okay. Um... oogalie boogalie.

ALEPH: [smiling] Snoogalie boogalie?

EEMA: [cracking up, but trying to wail] Nooooooooooo! Oogalie boogalie!

ALEPH: Floogalie boogalie?

***

Seriously, how did this kid get so awesome?

i'll be wrapped around your finger

Scene: one of the many disordered naps around here lately. Aleph woke up crying, lay down on the futon with me for a while, then crawled back in bed to sleep again. Bet was sleeping soundly, but couldn't go back to sleep once Aleph woke him up. He's still on the futon with me.

BET: Where did Aleph go?

EEMA: He went back to sleep.

BET: [whispering] Ohhh. Maybe this can be special Eema-and-Bet time.

EEMA: [Awwww!] Okay.

BET: [still whispering] Let's go in the other room.

EEMA: Okay.

[now in living room]

BET: [still whispering] Can I watch a video.

oh. THIS is a nice statement. it's... LOTS of fun.

ALEPH: [stopping mid-tantrum] Can I see if you have some uh, jewelry to put on?

EEMA: Hee. Okay. What kind of jewelry do you think I should put on?

ALEPH: I think some uh earrings, and maybe a necklace. I'll go see what you have.

EEMA: Oh, good choice. [puts them on]

ALEPH: [with look of mild horror] Uhhhh... I'll just go see if I can find you some different ones.

EEMA: Why, what's wrong with these ones?

ALEPH: I just wanted you to look PRETTY.

spin me another story, bet

on nail biting:
My finger got shorter. I ate part of it.

on (completely innocuous) painting of daffodils:
Why is that flower yelling? [how do you know it's yelling?] Its mouth is open. And it doesn't look happy.

on sleep regression (this is pretty much how it seemed to me, too):
I CAN'T stay in my room. All I do is come out and come out and then I never go to sleep EVER again.

more tales of the davkanik*

*also known as: Opposite Boy

ALEPH: Can I have some cheese on my challah roll?

EEMA: No, we're having cheese for lunch.

ALEPH: But I need something to cover my butter.

EEMA: You could have honey, or jam...

ALEPH: [starting to smile] Just say one of them.

EEMA: ... Jam.

ALEPH: [grinning, and nearly instantaneous] No, honey.

is there anything you boys want to tell me?

part 1

Scene: Bet takes a book to bed for naptime, flips through a few pages, and realizes he can't tell this story to himself. He starts to cry.

BET: Eema, I need a different book!

EEMA: I'm sorry Bet, you can't come out for another one. It's naptime, you need to stay in your bed.

BET: But I don't knoooooow this story!

EEMA: I know, honey. It's okay. You can look at the pictures.

BET: But Eeeeeeeeeema! I can't read the WOOOOOORDS!

part 2

Scene: Aleph is playing with his new Playmobil fireman.

ALEPH: Eema, I think you're wrong. It's not a fireman, it's a firewoman.

EEMA: [looks more closely] Hey, I think you're right. How did you know that?

ALEPH: Because it says so on the box!

EEMA: Uh... what!?!

ALEPH: See? [points to picture on box]

EEMA: Oh. [phew!] But how did you know from the picture?

ALEPH: [points to chin-length bob] Because it's a hair of the woman.

EEMA: Ah. Because it's a hair of the woman. I see.

[and then, just when I relax]

ALEPH: But I think the box needs a W for woman.

necessity is the toddler of invention

We've had quite a time getting the boys to stay in bed at nap & bedtime, since they figured out our weak spot: toilet training. I am tired. Lance is tired. The boys MUST be tired, because they're sure doing a whole lot less sleeping.

EEMA: Okay, does everyone remember the new rule? Your potty is next to your bed. Don't come out to get me unless you pooped and you need help wiping. If you need to pee, you can do that by yourself.

ALEPH: [opens door first time] I need help wiping.

EEMA: Did you poop?

ALEPH: No, just peed, but I need help wiping my pee. [NOTE: It would never otherwise occur to him to do this.]

EEMA: Here's a tissue; you can do it yourself.

ALEPH: [opens door ten seconds later] I peed again, so I need another tissue.

EEMA: [Why didn't I see this coming?] Okay. Here's another one, and I'm giving you the box to take with you.

ALEPH: [opens door ten seconds after that] I need a garbage can to put my tissues in.

shhhhhhhhh, fool. you're giving away the PLAN

Scene: Après standoff with small fry.

ALEPH: How do I break you?

EEMA: What?!

ALEPH: I want to know how to break you.

EEMA: Why do you want to know that?

ALEPH: I need to know how you're made. So I know how to break you.

insert joke here*

LANCE: Aleph, you're not cooperating.

ALEPH: Well, cooperating is not my best thing.


*...self-knowledge: check

...but i AM very good at bossing!

...and you're not really lighting my profile right, either

lovely.

Scene: New game across the breakfast table.

BET: [shoots fist out toward Aleph] HIT YOU pretend!

ALEPH: [shoots fist out toward Bet] HIT YOU pretend!

*sigh*

Might need to get these children karate lessons. Or at least a punching bag.

am srsly reconsidering this toilet training hype

after being wakened at 4 AM by a small frantic apparition at bedside saying "I need to pee! I need to PEE!" with the monitor simultaneously shrieking, "wait! where did you GO??"

thank goodness shanna sent peanut-free chocolate

What's more fun than finding one of your boys beating the other one on the head with a metal* Thomas when you're not looking?

Having him stare you in the face while he beats the other one on the head the next time.

Runner up: having the other boy pee on the fabric** seat of a city bus. ...Twice. Ten minutes after you finished cleaning up the first time. In front of mostly the same people.

I'm kind of wishing for the days when all he peed on was the contents of the refrigerator.

*Really, who thought was this a good idea??
**Really, who???

file under: unsubscribe. PLEASE.

In an effort to refrain from saying all the things I'm THINKING about the latest ad pitch in my mailbox, I'm going to take One Tired Ema's advice. "You gotta blog about breasts more. You don't see anyone asking me to advertise for 40 days davening at the kotel."

All right, all right, that's totally not what she said. Hope this works anyway:

***

ALEPH: [eyeing my tank top] Mine are like yours, except... yours are ...thicker, and mine are thinner.

***

BET: [looking down at his bare chest] Eema, what are these?

EEMA: Nipples.

BET: But what are they?

EEMA: They're part of your body! Everyone has them.

BET: Can I see yours?

EEMA: No, sweetie. They're a private part of my body.

BET: Well, can you put a shirt on me? ...so I don't have to worry about them?

***

Ah, how quickly they forget. (And these are children who nursed till they were almost two!)

you know, if that's working for you, it works for me

Scene: On our way to the basement to get the laundry. The boys are allowed to run ahead of me down the hall, as long as they stop when they get to the elevator.

BET: [skids to a halt] IIIIIIIIIIIIII'm first!

ALEPH: [right behind him] IIIIIIIIIIIIII'm pretend first!

ohhhhhhhhh. well okay, then

BET: But I like to bother Aleph!

abba, deer tamer

The following is an amalgam of fact, legend, and the wild imagination of Bet. Bet wasn't even there when this happened. (Can you tell?)

"Once upon a time, Aleph and Abba kissed the Torah [in shul], and then they went out to the parking lot, and there was a no good, very bad, scary deer."

[Eema: How did you know it was a very bad deer?]

"It had a lot of sharp teeth. And then Abba went right up to the deer and gave him nose-to-nose. And it jumped SO HIGH in the air! And then it ran away."

the secret

Broke the news to my children today. Well, I think deep down they already knew, but they didn't want to face it.

Here it is:

EEMA

CAN ONLY

DO

ONE THING

AT A TIME.

After an initial period of shock, disillusionment, life will never be the same, etc., they allowed as how this did explain a few things:

1. why Eema is always saying "Hold on, I'm talking to/getting something for/carrying your brother. Hold on. YES, I HEARD YOU. HOLD ON",

2. why their every desire is not instantly fulfilled,

etc.

Whew. A heavy scene, to be sure, but good to get it out in the open. I'm hoping for at least a couple days' relief before someone spills the other secret:

"Everyone else's Eema can do three things at once, why can't you??"

in funnier news

Scene: Walking out of the subway.

BET: Look, somebody dropped a cheerio!

EEMA: Yeah, I guess they did.

BET: Somebody's like, hey, where's my cheerio!