thank goodness shanna sent peanut-free chocolate

What's more fun than finding one of your boys beating the other one on the head with a metal* Thomas when you're not looking?

Having him stare you in the face while he beats the other one on the head the next time.

Runner up: having the other boy pee on the fabric** seat of a city bus. ...Twice. Ten minutes after you finished cleaning up the first time. In front of mostly the same people.

I'm kind of wishing for the days when all he peed on was the contents of the refrigerator.

*Really, who thought was this a good idea??
**Really, who???

file under: unsubscribe. PLEASE.

In an effort to refrain from saying all the things I'm THINKING about the latest ad pitch in my mailbox, I'm going to take One Tired Ema's advice. "You gotta blog about breasts more. You don't see anyone asking me to advertise for 40 days davening at the kotel."

All right, all right, that's totally not what she said. Hope this works anyway:

***

ALEPH: [eyeing my tank top] Mine are like yours, except... yours are ...thicker, and mine are thinner.

***

BET: [looking down at his bare chest] Eema, what are these?

EEMA: Nipples.

BET: But what are they?

EEMA: They're part of your body! Everyone has them.

BET: Can I see yours?

EEMA: No, sweetie. They're a private part of my body.

BET: Well, can you put a shirt on me? ...so I don't have to worry about them?

***

Ah, how quickly they forget. (And these are children who nursed till they were almost two!)

you know, if that's working for you, it works for me

Scene: On our way to the basement to get the laundry. The boys are allowed to run ahead of me down the hall, as long as they stop when they get to the elevator.

BET: [skids to a halt] IIIIIIIIIIIIII'm first!

ALEPH: [right behind him] IIIIIIIIIIIIII'm pretend first!

ohhhhhhhhh. well okay, then

BET: But I like to bother Aleph!

abba, deer tamer

The following is an amalgam of fact, legend, and the wild imagination of Bet. Bet wasn't even there when this happened. (Can you tell?)

"Once upon a time, Aleph and Abba kissed the Torah [in shul], and then they went out to the parking lot, and there was a no good, very bad, scary deer."

[Eema: How did you know it was a very bad deer?]

"It had a lot of sharp teeth. And then Abba went right up to the deer and gave him nose-to-nose. And it jumped SO HIGH in the air! And then it ran away."

the secret

Broke the news to my children today. Well, I think deep down they already knew, but they didn't want to face it.

Here it is:

EEMA

CAN ONLY

DO

ONE THING

AT A TIME.

After an initial period of shock, disillusionment, life will never be the same, etc., they allowed as how this did explain a few things:

1. why Eema is always saying "Hold on, I'm talking to/getting something for/carrying your brother. Hold on. YES, I HEARD YOU. HOLD ON",

2. why their every desire is not instantly fulfilled,

etc.

Whew. A heavy scene, to be sure, but good to get it out in the open. I'm hoping for at least a couple days' relief before someone spills the other secret:

"Everyone else's Eema can do three things at once, why can't you??"

in funnier news

Scene: Walking out of the subway.

BET: Look, somebody dropped a cheerio!

EEMA: Yeah, I guess they did.

BET: Somebody's like, hey, where's my cheerio!

smart. aleck.

ALEPH: Eema, can you can you can you-

EEMA: I can't do anything right now. I am changing Bet's diaper.

ALEPH: Well if you can't do anything, how can you change Bet's diaper? That's doing something.

Seriously, how can these children not be toilet trained yet??? Aren't they in preschool law school by now?

the world according to aleph

I let the kids watch Bob the Builder today. Afterward, I heard Aleph singing the theme song.

Of course, in Aleph's version, it goes like this:

Can we fix it?
NO WE CAN'T!

Nobody who knows him would be the slightest bit surprised.

toilet training twins: take three

OMG. Am running away to join circus.

Pls have this taken care of by time I get back. Ok?thxbye.

another bagel summit talks breakdown

ALEPH: I want two halfs of bagel. I'll save one of them for you, Bet.

BET: I don't want a half of bagel.

ALEPH: Then I'm gonna eat two of them.

BET: I want one! I want one!

ALEPH: Then I will save one for you.

[pause for smiling / munching]

ALEPH: Why do you keep switching, Bet?

BET: [still smiling] I don't know. Just because.

ALEPH: But you have to say yes or no.

BET: Nononononono! Aleph don't talk to me! That is not okay!

run for your lives!

My mother always loved when one of her kids turned 3, because when anyone asked how old we were, we always said "I'm FREE!"

My kids go one better. "Hey Bet and Aleph, how old are you today?"

"FLEE!!"

***

And now, because I love you so much (and for a limited time only) I bring you a blast from Year One, or as Aleph and Bet like to call it, "Laughing Babies." Note: that's Mary Poppins talking, not me. My line doesn't come up till the middle of this video:

"Best. movie. ever."

[sorry. all gone!]

the cliffs of insanity

Tell me it's normal to veer between joy and despair when parenting the almost-threes.

Their developmental leaps are so amazing: suddenly they can catch a ball from several feet away, fix each other's train tracks, or sing a spontaneous (and on-key) duet of ma nishtana. And yet every time I turned around for the last two days somebody was hitting, somebody was crying, and somebody was yelling NONONO IWILLNEVER NOTATALL.

Yes, I know that's three kids. It seemed like it too. Oh, also somebody was caught with the pump of the liquid soap in his mouth, and somebody else was caught climbing a bookcase. I'm feeling the urgent need for a disciplinary tool other than time-outs, because by the 4th one today, I could swear I heard thumb-twiddling rather than crying.

In between the madness, they managed to come out with the following:

MOVE OVER, STEPHEN KING

BET: [waving animal figures in the air while I change him] Lion and tiger ate you up!

EEMA: They ate me all up?

BET: They ate all of your parts!

EEMA: Oh my goodness.

BET: Your face and body crumbs fell out of their mouth!

EEMA:

EEMA: [helpless with laughter]

MOVE OVER, MARGARET WISE BROWN

ALEPH: [referring to the doll we saw on top of an air conditioner last week] Why isn't the doll outside anymore?

EEMA: They probably took it inside. I mean, that would be a silly place to keep a doll, right? Dolls can't live outside.

ALEPH: Why not?

EEMA: Well, what if it rained?

ALEPH: I would change her clothes.

EEMA: What if the wind blew her away?

ALEPH: I would catch her.

EEMA: What if it snowed right on top of her?

ALEPH: I would warm her up in the microwave.

EEMA: [barely hanging onto straight face] Um. Well, what if she fell off? That air conditioner is pretty high up.

ALEPH: I would give her a kiss!

Good night boys, good work, sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

calvin, meet hobbes. hobbes, calvin.

ALEPH: Bet, is there any trouble on your tracks?

BET: Nope.

ALEPH: [hopeful grin] Are you going to MAKE any trouble?

random things i felt you should know:

Hello, my name is Persephone, and I would dearly love to own a frying pan which does not tilt down to one side, such that half the pan gets overdone while the other half is still raw.

Also, a way to fry 3 batches of anything containing raw eggs, such that I do not end up washing my hands 15 times. Thank you.

When putting a stuffed animal to sleep in the cradle, the stuffed animal will then need a still smaller animal to sleep with. DUH, Eema.

A kosher bandana makes what must be the cutest toddler headcovering you've ever seen. Especially when it's rainbow tiedye. My boys wore them to preschool this week. At their request.

Come to think of it, they're also extremely fond of their rainbow tiedye rainboots. I once came home and found them working with playdough while Mary Poppins prepped dinner. Aleph was dressed in his very best pajamas... and boots. Bet was wearing his plushest striped bathrobe, a diaper... and boots. The effect somehow escaped toddler pimp.

Despite the name, you should not in fact eat a kosher bandana. 'Kosher' in this case is a shameless marketing gimmick, being apparently a euphemism for 'with elastic', aka, a bandana for dummies. Aka, the first one Persephone has ever been able to wear without (a) looking like a babushka (b) it slipping off my head whenever I'm not busy wanting to tear it off.

The rainbow one, though, looks much better on the kids than on me.

Bet is starting to seriously remind me of Calvin. He's taken to pulling one segment of train track out of alignment, then saying "Uh ohhhhhhh! Some trouble up aheaaaad!" while he chugs Thomas toward disaster.

Aleph has required me to fashion a strap for his mini guitar. He needed it so he could march while playing, then let go of the guitar to clap and spin around. Laurie Berkner style.

That is all.

irony: a play in two parts

Scene: Bet is lying down while I change him. He presses one eyelid half closed with his thumb, then the other, and looks through them at me. I've never seen him do this before.

EEMA: What are you doing?

BET: [with a tiny smile] Now there's two of you.

EEMA: [Ha! You wish.]

EEMA: [Or wait. Is that I wish?]

***

Scene: Aleph has put two stuffed animals in an upturned hat and is sitting on the couch, cradling the hat on his lap.

ALEPH: [happily] I'm holding my babies.

[one minute later]

ALEPH: I got tired of holding my babies. You hold them.

EEMA: [Heh. Tell me about it.]

EEMA: Why don't you just put them down?

ALEPH: Nooooooooooooooo, YOU have to hold them.

EEMA: [Wait. Something about this seems... strangely familiar.]

hahahahaha psych.

Scene: Bet is not thrilled with his old doggie pajamas, seeing as how Aleph has brand new lion ones.

EEMA: Hey Bet, do you know what it says on your shirt? 'My best buddy.'

BET: [starting to smile] Yeah.

EEMA: Is the doggie your best buddy?

BET: No.

EEMA: Who's your best buddy?

BET: [matter-of-factly] Aleph.

EEMA: [omg. they like each other! they really like each other!]

ALEPH: [in background] I am NOT his buddy at ALL!

breakfast with prince charming

ALEPH: Eema, I want another waffle.

EEMA: I think you had enough waffle. It's time to eat something else. How about... blueberry yogurt?

ALEPH: No.

EEMA: Toast? Cheerios?

ALEPH: No.

EEMA: Ooh, I know. [winning smile] Milk?

ALEPH: [winning smile PLUS raised eyebrows] Um, um, chocolate milk did you say?

criblog: anyone? anyone? bueller?

Scene: Sometime after 7 AM.

ALEPH: Bet, are you interested in waking up right now?

*crickets*

criblog: the song of the count

Scene: I have no idea what Aleph is telling Bet he can't do - I hear the beginning of each sentence, but then he drops off to a mumble - but he sure has a long list of reasons why not.

ALEPH: ...Third of all, blahblahblah. Fourth of all, blahblahblah. Fiveth of all, blahblahblah. Fourth of all...

[short pause]

ALEPH: onetwothreefourfive Sixth of all,