BET: can you guess who i am?
PERSEPHONE: [notes light saber] luke skywalker?
BET: please! call me luke.
ALEPH: you know, if you did the dishes a little more *often*, i wouldn't have to wait so long for you to play with me.
[yeah, you kind of made your own bed there, kid]
BET: eema, SAVE ME! abba's going to tickle me just because i [innocent eyes] patted his tush!
BET: eema, SAVE ME! abba's going to tickle me just because i [innocent eyes] patted his tush!
ALEPH: [reading box] "the game where anything can happen." [excited] is that really true, eema???
ALEPH: oh, BOTHERDASH
BET: [pointing at TV] hey, isn't that Spark?
PERSEPHONE: ...who?
BET: you know! Spark! from Star Trek?
BET: will you let me win?
LANCE: yes.
BET: are you sure?
LANCE: bet, have i ever said i would let you win, and not done it?
BET: no.
LANCE: so then why are you worried?
BET: because. this is the FUTURE.
BET: i don't want my grapes on those holders.
PERSEPHONE: stems? just take them off.
BET: but i don't want to. it's... it's terribly upsetting.
[overheard from kids' room]
ALEPH: [moaning]
BET: [shouting] are you okay, scientist???
[overheard from kids' room]
ALEPH: [sobbing] bet, if you want i'll tell eema on both of us, okay?
BET: you're supposed to say copy that!
ALEPH: copy that!
BET: [pause] ...right! ...good! ...i'm glad you copy that!
#WeDon'tHaveThisScriptDownYet
ALEPH: any ideas for a bill?
PERSEPHONE: hm. how about if you can't pay for school, you go for free?
ALEPH: well...maybe not free. how about half.
PERSEPHONE: okay.
ALEPH: okay bet, now you think of a bill.
BET: how about...no witches!
BET [cheerful]: we're just talking about zombies.
ALEPH [equally cheerful]: and how they're, like, headless. so they're hard to kill.
[overheard]
ALEPH: -so the incredible hulk TWIRLED into action, because he'd been in ballet class, and-
ALEPH: this is so strange. i had *no idea* that when i banged it that hard, it would break!
ALEPH: i really only like books about science. and science fiction. and history. wait, is there history fiction?
BET: finders keepers! ...whippers...neapers!
ALEPH: jedis don't ask why. jedis just do it.
BET: [pats me reassuringly] you're doing GREAT with the lego thing.
ALEPH: abba, can i ask you a question? do you think your hair looks a little crazy?
ALEPH: abba, can i ask you a question? do you think your hair looks a little crazy?
[note: this is after finishing his]
BET: boy, your pizza sure looks good! too bad i can't have just one bite. too bad. looks good. [pause] ENJOY it, eema!
[first time watching the princess bride:]
BET: [in tears] but if he gets killed, how are they gonna get MARRIED?
BET: does she start loving the prince instead? is THAT how there's a happy ending?
[overheard the next day]
lego man #1: you killed my king. prepare to diiiiiiie.
lego man #2: prePARE?! i'm not PREPARED!!
BET: hallo. my name is AMIGO MONTOYA
so glad i found this kids' magnetic poetry set!
so far bet has written "my hot mommy likes pigs."
so far bet has written "my hot mommy likes pigs."
BET: i already know what i want for chanuka. i mean, *if* i find the afikomen this year.
ALEPH [singing]: ♪ i have the haaands of deaaath ♪
[Dispatches from Aleph's Tantrum] "i don't want to be in a room with so many people! but the other room doesn't have enough people in it!"
[Dispatches Part 2] "i know it doesn't have to be perfect! the problem is none of these are good ENOUGH!"
PERSEPHONE: you need more than underpants.
BET: you mean i need more than THUNDERpants
BET: are you having wine or grape juice?
PERSEPHONE: wine.
BET: i think you're doing a little too much of that.
PERSEPHONE: but...i had like two sips. and that's the first time in about a year.
BET: well. i don't want you to make a habit of it.
ALEPH: ♪ i like to move it move it / i like to move it move it ♪ [stops singing] eema, do you like to move it?
BET [on macaroni & cheese]: this is the best meal of the YEAR! …i mean day! …i mean week! …okay, it's ONE of the best!
ALEPH: you know what kind of pajamas would be good? ZOMBIES
ALEPH: you know why i wanted raisins for snack? because it's easier to eat them mindfully.
PERSEPHONE: can't you eat any fruit mindfully?
ALEPH: maybe. but raisins are easier to roll around your mouth.
#oh #mindfulness #rolling #isee
BET: [in underpants] i'm captain underpants!
ALEPH: [looks down at self] i'm...captain naked!
favorite new thing bet says: HAVE AT THEE! [rushes at you with nerf sword]
PERSEPHONE: wow, bet. i was sure you were going to need help with that and you did it all by yourself!
BET: heh. expect the unexpected, eema.
LANCE: you're not coming?
BET: no mr. bet.
LANCE: mr. bet?
BET: that's what some people call me.
LANCE: who??
BET: okay no one calls me that.
BET: you go. you go! YOU GO!
ALEPH: WHO IS HUGO??!
[CRASH] aleph: "that worked better in my mind."
BET: i read a calvin story where he drank so much water he turned into a liquid. is that true?
[simultaneously] LANCE: yes. PERSEPHONE: no.
BET: so you CAN turn into a liquid if you drink too much water?
LANCE: yes. PERSEPHONE: no.
ALEPH: iiiiiiii'm gonna go with eema on this one
a clean-up song by aleph: ♪ how am i supposed to do all the things? / howwww? / how am i supposed to do all the things? / howwww? ♪
lance offered to make mac & cheese (bet's favorite) even cheesier (bet's favorite FAVORITE) by putting in an extra slice of cheese. bet said no. no? "see abba, the thing about me is...i only like mac & cheese with an even number of slices."
ALEPH: look eema, i took the skin off my sweet potato. so it's dead now. because someone cut off its skin. with a sword.
aleph song of the day: ♪ han solo han solo / han solo han solo / how solo ARE you / and how HAN are you ♫
[oh. i see my reputation has preceded me]
BET: [looking at shabbat dishes] eema, can we at least have a milchig sink by TUESDAY?
PERSEPHONE: bet, why don't you try to compromise with aleph.
BET: okay! aleph, if you don't play it this way i'll never play with you again.
BET [on diarrhea]: you know, if there's anything worse than this? it's dying. or SPANKING
[overheard from kids' room]
"he has the ring of power, but it's not the ring that matters."
"it's the man."
"you mean the creature."
"yeah, the creature. ...or robot."
"the man, woman, robot, or cyborg. whatEVER."
aleph song of the day: ♪ this time i'm not dead / this time i'm not dead / this time i'm alive and not dead / yeah yeahhhhh ♪
BET: abba, do you love me enough that you would give up your life to save mine?
LANCE: yes.
BET: can i tell you something? i'm not sure i would. because...i like going to school too much.
LANCE: [puts out knife & cream cheese for bet to spread himself]
LANCE: come on, bet! breakfast!
BET: but-! oh, right. [sadly] you're not my slave.
BET: my friend says DC comics sucks.
ALEPH: what does he mean it sucks?
BET: i think it means it got sucked into something.
#letsgowiththat
PERSEPHONE: you're too tricky for me.
BET: that's because i'm a superhero called BRAINMAN
BET [giggling]: ♪ infinity bottles of beer on the wall, infinity bottles of beer, take one down pass it around, …infinity bottles of beer on the wall ♪
BET: eema? abba? [pause] [opens fridge]
PERSEPHONE: um, bet? what are you doing?
BET: [happily] i didn't see you guys so i thought i'd sneak some cheese.
BET [whispering to aleph right in front of me]: maybe she'll go to the bathroom and THEN you can eat the candy
BET: you know what i like about having an eema & abba?
PERSEPHONE: what?
BET: without them, i would have to live at bubby & zaidy's or saba & savta's house. and...there's not as much toys there. [pause] but cooler tv's! hey, you know what would be fun?
PERSEPHONE: what?
BET: maybe we could call bubby & zaidy and watch their tv on skype!
ALEPH: [slaps lance on the knee]
LANCE: [looks at him.]
ALEPH: you wanna do somethin' about it?
[note: i do not wear either of these]
BET: the only reason i don't like girls is because they wear makeup. and HAND LOTION
bet's paragraph describing his favorite food:
"ahhhhhh! its cheesy. it has peas. it has three things you can taste. you put it in a pan."
#ahhhhhhitscheesy
#ahhhhhhitscheesy
[home from aleph's friend's way cool science-themed birthday party]
LANCE: that was a pretty fun day!
ALEPH: eh, not that much fun.
LANCE: you know, aleph, you seem like the kind of person who can't be happy if things are not completely perfect.
ALEPH: …and?
aleph song of the day: ♫ if this is not the cockpit / then iiiiiiiiii'm stumped ♫
ALEPH [through door of my shower]: you know, i keep doing things, but after i finish them i am BORED AGAIN
PERSEPHONE: yes. that is...how life works.
ALEPH: it's very ANNOYING
LANCE: okay, math quiz bonus round! how...many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?
ALEPH [blank pause]: ten?
LANCE: YES!
ALEPH: "well, we don't actually know if the torah is fiction or nonfiction."
PERSEPHONE: [spit take]
ALEPH: "i mean, we BELIEVE it's nonfiction, but we don't actually KNOW."
ALEPH: i'm bored.
PERSEPHONE: you just turned off the video game.
ALEPH: i know, but i'm bored.
PERSEPHONE: you know aleph, one reason we don't let you play video games all day is if you let them entertain you, all day long, you might forget how to entertain yourself.
ALEPH: but eema. i never KNEW how to entertain myself.
BET [homework]: write a fact about dinosaurs. okay.
[takes paper away; brings it back]
BET: see, DINOSAURS DIED OUT. there.
BET: oh wait, it says write and illustrate.
[takes paper away; brings it back]
BET: see, it's a dinosaur, with an arrow pointing to it, and it says DEAD. there.
ALEPH: [brings me a napkin unasked]
PERSEPHONE: thank you, aleph! that's so nice of you.
ALEPH: some people might say TOO nice
ALEPH: where can i find pajamas?
PERSEPHONE: they're in the drawer.
ALEPH: of despair?
BET: i'm just trying to kiss your nostrils!
#what #whatistheproblem
LANCE: good night, boys! tomorrow i'll say hello to a couple of 7 year olds.
[overheard after door closed]
BET: ...he's talking about us, right?
