*i've only been waiting six years to say that
ALEPH: eema, you can't sit on the sofa anymore. i made it something that explodes.
BET [completely serious, with mask on top of head]: oh NO! i can't find my spiderman mask.
ALEPH: ♪ i throw luke skywalker in the air sometimes / saying aaaay-o ♪
[overheard from kids' room]
ALEPH: [bellowing] I AM NOT 'OLD CHUM'!
BET: [peeks head around bathroom door] can you pretend to be catwoman?
PPHONE: i...okay.
BET: [closes door again]
[overheard from kids' room]
"DON'T. CALL ME. PROFESSOR. POOPY."
ALEPH: see bet, you broke mine. now, i'm not gonna punish you; i just want you to know that it wasn't good.
[I Do Not Think That Means What You Think It Means]
ALEPH [crying]: i got hurt. but i don't want to tell you how.
US: we kind of need to know.
ALEPH: fine. i accidentally stood on a rocking chair.
ALEPH: if superman didn't have a weakness, i would be him so much more often.
BET: [after bath] ♪naked naked naked, banana-fana-fak-ed♪
ALEPH: when [hop] you [hop] finish [hop] the dishes [hop] i [hop] want [hop] to do [hop] an [hop] activiteeeeeeee
ALEPH: [falsetto] ♪i like cows / yes i do / i like cows / how about yoooooou♪
ALEPH: [crying] bet, you can't pick that up! i wanted to pick it up!
BET: well, sometimes you get to pick it up; sometimes you don't.
ALEPH: [still crying] but i wanted to!
BET: *sigh* okay. i will put it back down on the floor, and this time you can pick it up.
LANCE: everyone remember the rules about throwing water at the park?
ALEPH: i...remember you have rules, i just don't remember what they are.
PPHONE: [very late and lost my directions]
BET: eema? eema? eema?
PPHONE: i'm busy right now, bet. i'm busy. I'M BUSY! DO YOU HEAR ME TELLING YOU?
[finally find my directions.]
PPHONE: okay. hi, bet. what's going on?
BET: I'M BUSY! REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE BUSY? NOW I'M BUSY!
BET: where do we live?
LANCE: where do you think we live?
BET: ...africa?
ALEPH: see bet, the thing is, i'm starting to get more into star wars and science than superfriends.
BET: i need something to eat.
PPHONE: raisins?
BET: there is none.
PPHONE: no, there are! i'll give you some.
BET: oh RAISINS! i thought you said reasons.
BET: [follows me into bathroom; shuts door] i'm just closing that to make sure aleph gives you privacy.
BET: [aims cardboard tube at me] i'm switching out your brain!
BET [from bathroom] uh oh.
PPHONE: what?
BET: uh oh.
PPHONE: what??
BET: nothing! i was just pretending something was wrong.
BET: i'm batman! this is my bat-pooper!
BOYS [both out of bed]: eema? you didn't give us hugs & kisses goodnight.
PPHONE: yes i did.
BOYS: well we don't remember you giving them!
PPHONE: [heartless] sorry.
BET: cut! cut! cut! i'm cutting off your fingers!
BET: let's lie down and snuggle.
ALEPH: can i tell you something, han solo?
BET: i'm very upset with darth vader.
PPHONE: why?
BET: he sent me a birthday card. it said bad things.
PPHONE: wait, who are you??
BET: batman!
[Road Tripping]
LANCE: deer crossing sign!
PPHONE: deer crossing sign!
ALEPH: deer crossing sign!
[everyone waits]
BET: yup!
[...Road Tripping Too Long]
ALEPH: i met a man and he said, i haven't had a jump all day! so i jumped on him! HAHAHAHA!
BET: HAHAHAHA!
BET: [being tickled] HAHAHAHAHAstop that's too funny
ALEPH: eema, i know the problem isn't your fault, but it is something you're doing.
BET: i don't think you can buy luke skywalker at the store.
ALEPH: iiiiiii believe you're wrong.
BET: [glaring at me] why do we have to go pick blueberries, if we already HAVE BLUEBERRIES.
BET: [glaring, in green lantern mask]
PPHONE: why do you look so angry?
BET: [gritting teeth] green lanterns are ALWAYS ANGRY.
ALEPH: [also in green lantern mask] eema, can i sit on your lap?
BET: green lanterns NEVER say sit on your LAP!
[mid-chess game]
ALEPH: abba, i think what i have you is called 'on the run.'
BET: eema, guess what! we saw spiderman in times square! and i asked him if he was real! and he said yes! but i don't know if that was true.
PPHONE: wow. i think maybe he was a real person, but maybe not the real spiderman.
BET: yeah. i think maybe he was peter parker.
BET: aleph, i thought you said you were going to watch over the toaster.
ALEPH: no! i'm combining human DNA with dinosaurs.
[looking at pictures of jewelry]
BET: ooh, those are fancy. wish you could buy ME something fancy. wait! my knight-hat is fancy!
[overheard from kids' room] "you can't trust your computer! you can only trust me!"
[overheard from kids' room] "if you let me be your master, it will WORK!"
BET [yelling]: you're not the boss of me!
ALEPH [yelling back]: yes i -! [pause.] i KNOW that, but -!
[overheard from kids' room]
ALEPH: excuse me bet, are you sure you know what you're doing?
BET: of coooourse i do
ALEPH: eema! i kind of did a stand-head!
ALEPH: eema, how did super grover get his powers?
ALEPH: i met a man walking down the street and he said, i haven't had a bite all day. so i bit him. IN THE EYE.
BET: i'm getting a little bit into star wars.
ALEPH: well, you gotta get a lot into star wars if you want to BE star wars.
[still not adjusted to summer. what. it's only…august.]
BET: [stamping foot] eema, when are we gonna wear PANTS again already!
PHONE: what do you like better about pants than shorts?
BET: they're LONGER!
[OH RILLY I HADN'T NOTICED]
ALEPH: [patiently] see eema, i like to keep busy with something. but...sometimes i don't like your ideas.
ALEPH: why do they call it a peapod if you're not supposed to pee in it?
ALEPH: bet, i need to go to the bathroom. you want to come do water experiments while i'm in there?
BET: sure!
BET: [points at tampons] eema, do you have any idea what those things are?
PPHONE: you didn't eat your banana.
BET: it's brown.
PPHONE: no, it isn't. see? no brown.
BET: it tastes cold!
PPHONE: um...it's room temp.
BET: this banana doesn't feel normal!
PPHONE: [gives up]
BET: [shrugs. eats banana]
ALEPH: R2-D2 needs to go to the droid hospital. i'm gonna go with him. because...it's his 1st time, and i've been to the hospital before.
ALEPH [moments later]: his ambulance blew up. i'm gonna have to carry him the rest of the way.
BET: [screaming] EEMA!!! remember you said we could only scream if we were bleeding broken or on fire? I'M BLEEDING. [points to chapped lip]
ALEPH: i can't have that juice. it's not safe for me.
PPHONE:
PPHONE: no, aleph, it's pina colada! not peanut.
[1:30 AM]
aleph comes out crying "bet won't let me put up a star wars shelf!"
aleph tucked back in muttering, "this really isn't FAIR mumble mumble"
BET: [whispers in my ear]
PPHONE: what? that was so soft i couldn't hear it.
BET: i know. it's a secret secret.
ALEPH: ♪ jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle ingle belllllls ♪
PPHONE: um...where did you learn that song?
ALEPH: i didn't! i made it up.
BET: are you sure castles were made before rocket ships? i don't believe you.
PPHONE: you're a funny boy sometimes.
BET: what do you mean? i'm a funny boy all the time.
[Good Morning To You Too]
ALEPH: why is your face like that?
PPHONE: like what?
ALEPH: like how it is right now!
PPHONE: how is it??
ALEPH:...i don't know.
GREAT AUNT: bet, do you love me?
BET: i'm not sure i should answer that. because i might hurt your feelings. very badly.
[somehow i thought we had a lot longer before this conversation]
ALEPH: can you turn from an orthodox person into a not-orthodox person?
ALEPH: ...but Hashem isn't angry at either one of them, right?
[post 'But I Can't Put On My Own Socks' tantrum]
PPHONE: thanks for your hard work, aleph.
ALEPH: [still crying] none of this is hard, eema.
PPHONE: [iiiii know.] thanks for your...frustrating work?
ALEPH: [frustrated] it's not even frustrating! it's just DUMB, is what it is!
BET: can i teach you a lesson?
ALEPH: no. i know all my lessons already.
BET [on jennifer of the jungle]: she has this gorilla, and she says 'you always say the sweetest things!' [sighs dreamily]
[Cartoon Vocabulary]
ALEPH: i won't give in to your evil orchestrations!
GROWNUP: [laughs] do you know what orchestrations are?
ALEPH: plans!
[...Possibly Too Many Cartoons]
ALEPH: Hashem...is the king...of the UNIVERSE! MWAHAHAHA!
BET: maybe if i see a video, my stomach will stop having hiccups!
EEMA: i...don't think that's how it works.
BET: never know till you try!
BET: that's not funny! stop laughing!
BET: STOP! what are you DOING to my FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE!
ALEPH: eema, i'm good at beating people in my class when i play checkers, but
you are
tricky.
ALEPH: ♪ if you don't i'll punch youuu / if you don't i'll pinch you in the baaack / if you don't i'll throw a bomb at youuu ♪
[You Might Have A Sensory Seeker If]
ALEPH: eema, can we snuggle?
PPHONE: [hugs]
ALEPH: [braces his hands on my chest and pushes]
PPHONE: that's...the opposite of snuggling.
ALEPH: oh!
[erev Yom Kippur]
PPHONE: bet, if i hurt your feelings this year, i'm sorry.
BET: well, you did. lots of times. but I FORGIVE YOU.
[on running into an erstwhile babysitter]
BET: can i tell you something? i think it's pretty sad that you don't come visit us anymore.
SITTER: i'm sorry. i've just been so busy.
BET: you don't need to be sorry! it's not your fault.
ALEPH: eema? is pluto in neptune's orbit right now?
PPHONE: i found this at the thrift shop. can you tell me what it is?
LANCE: that's batman.
PPHONE: yes, i
know. which batman?
LANCE: that's...scuba...attack batman. obviously.
PPHONE: did you just make that up??
ALEPH: hey, look what i found in my mouth!
PPHONE: [a choking hazard??...a peanut?]
ALEPH: [HOLDS OUT TOOTH]
ALEPH: i can never sleep the whole night. but i CAN take short naps.
BET: i can't ever sleep.
PPHONE: never?
BET: never.
PPHONE: wow! you must be really tired.
BET: I AM!
BET: i need to think about whether i'm gonna ruin your plan.
ALEPH: if you ruin my plan, i'll ruin your plan.
BET: what's my plan?
ALEPH: when you have a plan! then i'll ruin it.
[overheard from kids' room]
BATMAN: hey robin, you want to take a nap?
ROBIN: yeah, okay.
BET: i don't want to go outside.
LANCE: but you always say that. and you always end up having fun.
BET: i know, but i'm TIRED of that.
PPHONE: you're tired of having fun?
BET: i'm tired of having fun when abba SAYS.
LANCE: [gives pphone meaningful look] this is all you.
PPHONE: [laughing too hard to talk] i.know.
BET: i made this myself! it's called the transweapon-mitter. no, no, the transmitter-weaponer.
BET: huggeh baybeh!
PPHONE: ...huggy baby?
BET: yeah. i'm saying it in a different language. huggehh baybehhhhhh!
ALEPH: [playing] okay, i've had enough of that. let's do some homework!
PPHONE: so, aleph types gibberish, and bet just types batmanbatmanbatmanbatmanbatman.
LANCE: i'm pretty sure that's how faulkner got started.
[Is not child. Is cat.]
BET [suddenly appears at my elbow]: can you stroke my back?
PPHONE: aleph, you're being a little bit ridiculous.
ALEPH: well it's [sob] kind of [sob] HARD not to be [sob]
[It's Probably Inappropriate To Laugh When Your Son Makes Up Words Mid-tantrum]
BET: i'm so DESTRICTLY ANGRY!
BET: if i was an indian and they took my land, i'd hit them in the face, and kick them in the face, and...do a lot of things to them in the face.
[trying to persuade bet to practice soccer]
ALEPH: bet, can i remind you a lot of things you know how to do, you couldn't do the first time you tried?
ALEPH: [sleepwalks out of bedroom at grandparent's house] [inexplicably wearing maroon satin yarmulka]
[overheard from kids' room]
"and we'll dress the poop up like ice cream."
"yeah."
"yeah."
BET [as batman]: i guess we'll have to do this the HARD way!
PPHONE: what's the hard way?
BET: i don't know, that's just something i say.
[i can stop anytime, son. aaaaanytime]
ALEPH: eema, can you stop talking about vegetables for a second?
BET: so on chanuka the greeks lost, right?
PPHONE: right.
BET: and the maccabeats won, right?
PPHONE: [ahahaha! whoops.]
BET: it's a good thing all the greeks are dead!
PPHONE: ...um.
ALEPH: someone was injured!
BET: someone was ninja-ed?
BET [on blue's clues]: i really enjoy this show. but i'm not sure why everybody's dancing.
BET [on the fresh beat band]: i don't like this part. they're kooky. they dance too much.
BET: aleph and me don't even like dancing. they're not serious! we're SERIOUS!
BET: [tries to look severe] [can't keep straight face]
ALEPH: this elevator smells a little like throw-up. mostly like french fries. but a little like throw-up.
[on To Do List: 1. explain expletives 2. explain irony]
aleph now says "oh, NUTS!" when frustrated
PPHONE: are you ready to ask for it nicely?
BET: *sigh* YES. just give it to me, willya?
BET: cookies? i love cookies!
LANCE: yeah? which do you love more, me or cookies?
BET: *sigh* abba. there's different kinds of love.
[in the middle of my lecture on anger management]
BET: you're rambling, eema.
PPHONE: what?! i am not.
BET: [smiling] yes, you are. wordgirl says rambling is going onnnn and onnnn and not really having a point.
PPHONE: i do too have a point!!
BET: if i met a stranger i wouldn't talk to them. know why? because they might do bad things to me. especially a WOLF stranger.
ALEPH: actually, mostly only - actually, mostly only - actually...mostly...only...abba what was i talking about??
BET: eema, maybe when i grow up i can be a monkey actor. i'm practicing my swinging. so i can do that.
BET: [into my neck] eema. i care for you very much.
BET: [stamps foot] i'm angry!
PPHONE: okay. what are you angry about?
BET: i forgot! [stamp] what i'm angry about!
[in latest feat of evil, i made kids wear their fleece pajamas to play outside because it's 20 degrees.]
BET: everyone will know!
PPHONE: no they won't.
BET: but what if someone touches my pants?
PPHONE: okay, how about DON'T LET STRANGE PEOPLE TOUCH YOUR PANTS.
ALEPH: eema, this is such a good supper. thank you!
PPHONE: wow! thank you for thanking me!
ALEPH: you could just say you're welcome.
PPHONE: [gives kiss] surprise kiss!
BET: that wasn't a surprise.
PPHONE: how'd you know i was going to do that?
BET: because i'm trickehh, baybehh.
LANCE: maybe we can play star wars!
ALEPH: no, because bet is gonna want to be batman. and i'm getting tired of star wars with batman in it.
BET: ...he's right.
BET: time for another video?
LANCE: no. it's time for turning off the tv, and hugging, and then getting dressed.
BET: and mind control?
BET [to pphone]: i just want to tell you something. i love you. more than your favorite...more than your COMPUTER! also more than macaroni and cheese. but that doesn't count 'cause that's a different kind of love.
hoping aleph never stops calling it "the top bunker" and "the bottom bunker"
[4 am]
ALEPH: [crying in our doorway] where is bet?
PPHONE: he's in bed.
ALEPH: but he didn't answer when i called him.
PPHONE: that's because he's SLEEPING.
ALEPH: [tucked back in bed, still crying] but it's very dark in here.
PPHONE: that's because IT'S 4 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING
BET: eema. i love you. can i please please please hold your hand.
ALEPH [building lego]: and this is his magical water chair of DESTINY.
BET [to lego man]: here you are, you magnificent knight!
[Emerging Readers]
BET [reading computer screen over my shoulder]: i...don't...give...a...
PPHONE: [scrolls down RAPIDLY]
[The Pesach Story: A Retelling]
"and then the Torah shot LASER beams at him!"
[watching wonder pets rescue another cute baby animal]
BET: i wish every video we watch, we could just jump in and KILL them!
[Emerging Readers, Part 2]
ALEPH: you know, eema? many things are made in china.
[Send.Help.]
ALEPH: oh! i LIKE mouth kissing.
BET [one finger pressed to forehead, whispering to self]: thinkthinkthink!
ALEPH: ohhhh. this is a real cooked chicken?
PPHONE: um. yes?
ALEPH: no WONDER it's so tasty!
[1 AM]
PPHONE: do you smell...food??
LANCE: you don't think aleph is sleep-cooking, do you?
ALEPH: eema, when you say good things to me when i'm sad, it makes me even sadder.
PPHONE: *sigh* fine. no more good things.
ALEPH: but no bad things either.
PPHONE:
ALEPH: eema, i REALLY don't like when my homework takes this long.
PPHONE:
ALEPH: [stares at me] why aren't you saying anything.
ALEPH: [in bath] ♪ that man in special suit, against the water-gun-of-destinyyyyy ♪
BET: do babies understand what we say?
PPHONE: no, they have to learn that.
BET: do we understand what babies say?
PPHONE: we have to learn that, too.
BET: wait. do babies understand OTHER babies?
[playing chess against himself]
ALEPH: [singsong] iiiiii wouldn't do that if i were youuuuuu!
[Yeshiva Education: So Worth It]
ALEPH: see, Hashem is basically like an alien that can do whatever it wants.
PPHONE: i think your pants are inside out.
ALEPH: that's okay. i don't mind.
PPHONE: you...won't be able to get into the pockets.
ALEPH: i don't need pockets.
LANCE: there's a song about driving, wanna hear it?
ALEPH: what's it called.
LANCE: Born to Be Wild.
ALEPH [firm]: no.
LANCE: [laughing] oh no no, i mean, uh, Barney the Dinosaur Likes to Drive.
ALEPH: really?
LANCE: yes!
ALEPH: no.
[Pesach Day 7]
BET [despairingly]: i've forgotten what everything i like tastes like!
[Hard To Argue With This]
BET: abba, why are you sad? it would be worser if i killed you.
BET [re: my library book]: what's that about?
PPHONE: um. werewolves?
BET: who's that woman?
PPHONE: she's married to one of them.
BET: does he kill her?
PPHONE [laughing]: what? no! he loves her.
BET: well what happens?
PPHONE: i don't know! i haven't read it yet. all i know is she's having a baby.
BET: well when you finish it, can you just tell me: does he EAT the baby?
[bet composes superman-style tagline for wonder woman]
"look, up in the sky! it's an american flag! it's...an almost-naked woman! it's..."
ALEPH: you know what i hate most in the world?
BET: aveiros?
ALEPH: no, eating poop & pee.
BET: and also aveiros?
[follow-up question]
BET: eema, which is more important? not doing aveiros or not eating poop?
PPHONE: not eating poop.
BET: what?!
PPHONE: [heretic] sorry.
ALEPH: ♪ if he kills me, right-before-he-does, i'll order someone to kill him, after-he-kills-me ♪
ALEPH: what happens on yom ha'atzmaut?
PPHONE: [lectures on state of israel's birth]
ALEPH: see, i thought what happens is i go to a party at yeshiva university.
BET: does your soul ever go back in your body after you die?
PPHONE: no. i mean, Hashem could make it, but He doesn't. that's a really big miracle called t'chiyat hameitim, bringing dead people back to life, and Hashem doesn't do miracles like that nowadays.
BET: oh right! like zombies?
ALEPH: is 20 x 50 a thousand? i thought so. because 10 times 100 is a thousand, and 50 is half of 100, so...all i have to do is double the 10s.
[bet has to draw his math homework, but he gets to decide what to depict it with:]
"that's 2 people who do ballet + 5 people who do ballet. i gave them extra arms because they're twirling so fast."
"that's 2 aliens in a spaceship."
"you might think that's a door, but it's really a house with a forcefield around it."
BET: are you making macaroni & cheese?
PPHONE: yes! how did you know?
BET: i smelled it.
[note: only thing in pot so far = water]
ALEPH: [wakes me up way too early] can you tell me where bet went? he's not in the bedroom or bathroom or living room.
PPHONE: [blearily] wha?
ALEPH: [comes back] oh sorry he's in bed actually i didn't see him there sorry
ALEPH: eema, i want to ask you. have you ever been in space before?
BET: my INVISIBLE SWORD is MISSING
