She's gone.

No more words.

i can't do this anymore

I'm flying to Israel to be with my little sister, for however long we have left.

I have not written about this since her cancer spread, out of respect for her family's privacy. And I don't plan to get into detail now.

But I'm struggling with the idea that this should be private, now. I don't want the world to go about its business, unaware that this grievous wrong is taking place. This is so wrong. This is so unfair. This is a loss for the entire world, whether you know it or not.

I want you all to stop and take notice. I want you to grieve too.

I am so angry.

what we have here is a failure to empathize

Oh hey, you want to talk can't-vs.-won't and asshole parenting?

Dressing oneself has been a long-standing challenge for both my kids, but especially for Aleph. I think independence scares him in general; he's afraid that if he can do it by himself, I'll decide he doesn't need me anymore and abandon him, blah blah insecure attachment mother guilt blah blah blah.

In any case, Bet recently - FINALLY! - started putting on his own shirt and Aleph is jealous of the fuss we made over it, but unwilling to do what it takes to earn his own fuss, namely put on his own shirt too.

Today he says, amid sobs, that putting his head through the shirt is too scary.

Ok, that's pretty specific. I can work with specific. Maybe he's afraid he'll get stuck? He has a gigantic head; it does happen once in a while. I tell him this shirt has an extra big neck, that's why I thought it would be good to practice on.

"That's not why it's scary, Eema," he chokes out. "It's too dark in there."

It's too dark.

Inside the shirt.

And this is where I thank my stars he's too young to know 'Eema's voice is shaking a little' = 'Eema is trying SO.HARD.NOT TO LAUGH IN YOUR FACE.'

I made him do it anyway, giving him a hug between each step. Can they tell when it's sarcastic hugging? I have a lot of practice with that by now; maybe I'm getting away with it.