first fruits

rubicon

2012-01-09T10:00:00.000-05:00

I had my own Amalah moment last Friday. On the subway, carrying a letter to the DOE proving Bet is now a danger to himself and others without 1:1 supervision, I...froze.

I'm the one who asked for this letter; in fact it was composed right in front of me. "Are you sure this is okay? I can change any of it," the preschool director wrung her hands, typing the phrase violent tendencies. I turned my own hands up, helplessly. "Be careful not to make it sound worse than it is," my mother fretted to me on the phone the night before. "What if they...I don't know, send him to juvenile court?"

He's a goodhearted little boy and he's not going to be that difficult to help and no, I don't want it to sound worse than it is. But I can't allow it to get any worse than it is. He almost did something terrifying last week, and I am not waiting until he actually does.

And yet. You know this is what your child desperately needs - and this is your job, this is the whole reason you're here on earth parenting this child, to get him the help he needs. You know the alternative is far, far worse. Most importantly, you know that it will work. He will be okay someday. If you do this, he will be okay.

And still you sit on the train, tears in your eyes. I can't do this, you think. I can't do this. I can't do this. I just did.

ceci n'est pas un blog post

2011-10-27T00:20:00.022-05:00

So. It's come to this, eh? Too much to tweet; I'm going to have to actually blog just to catch up?

My sister's birthday: started out pretty hard, but got a little easier as it went along. I've been so agitated lately, like I have all this restless energy I need to put into...something. Something to do because of her, something to make because of her? I didn't know what. But SOMEthing.

I think it's turning out to be a blanket. Last winter, I brought home a lot of yarn I had sent my sister the year before. She wanted to crochet something for my boys, who'd outgrown the baby blankets she made them, and she wanted to try something she'd never done before. We settled on a new hat pattern. The first one came out too small for them to wear, but it is gorgeous, and the last handmade thing I have from her. She never got as far as trying a bigger one. An open-ended project was too overwhelming, I think, as her world started to close in on her. And in the end, it was too painful to use her hands.

I took the yarn home back then mostly so she would stop feeling like it was hanging over her head. But I knew at some point I was going to have to face it myself. This was the right time to start: thinking of her while I crochet is both heartbreaking and comforting, which seemed exactly right. And keeping my hands busy - and the music on loud - was not a bad way to get myself through the day.

Bet and the bullying: has also hit a heartbreaking point. The director pulled me aside after school yesterday to tell me four classmates had ganged up on him together; one of them hit him. She came down on them pretty hard. She called them into her office and talked to them about how terrible they must have made him feel (3 of the boys were so sorry they cried, she said. the 4th just shrugged and stared her down). They had to make him a card saying "I'm sorry, Bet. I want to be your friend," and give it to him in front of the rest of the class. They had to stay inside for recess.

When they gave him the card Bet easily said he forgave them. But he also said "I knew it was going to be me. When something like this happens, it's always me."

[Insert knife in heart; twist.]

Postscript: Aleph, on hearing that all the boys said "I want to be your friend," said "Oh, [boy with no remorse] doesn't want to be his friend. He's been mean to both of us for a long time." Well then. That shoe does appear to fit.

Aleph and the allergies: I am still not sure what we accomplished today but I think we basically went around in a circle. The skin test for mustard was, as it was last time, negative. The blood test results won't come back until next week. But if they come back negative too, the final step would be a food challenge EXCEPT the doctor says a food challenge for mustard is tricky, because it's spicy, and a child could report symptoms because of that, rather than because he's allergic. So it might not be worth doing it. Which leaves us...what? Avoiding mustard anyway??

But the other potential major change is that, even if his allergies stay the same, we might start expanding the list of brands we allow him to eat. Like, a lot.

See, they apparently did a study [ETA: actually, looks like two of them] where they looked at whether items with a "may contain traces" warning actually do contain traces, and whether the items without a warning do not. For some allergens - milk, especially - the assumption we've been operating with holds true: presence or absence of a warning was not a safe way to tell whether it's contaminated. But for nuts, it actually was. They think nut allergies are high-profile enough that major manufacturers (even the asshole ones, like ahemKraftcoughUnilever,) are being pretty careful about cross-contamination. So if it's made by a major manufacturer, and there's no warning on the label...as far as our doctor is concerned, Aleph can eat it.

In addition, they told us, there are categories of packaged food we don't need to worry about altogether, major manufacturer or not. Because most likely, there would not be nuts anywhere near production. So we can trust those labels too. No need to call.

I know, right???

We'll definitely be starting slow, because we don't want to find we regret it and/or have a stroke. First on the list is mayonnaise, because omg, my mother in law will be SO HAPPY to have her favorite brand back. After that? I don't know. We'll see what happens.

The one thing I know for sure happened at the appointment was a lot of screaming; either because Aleph's terror of allergy testing is unavoidable, or because I didn't do a good enough job brainstorming ways to help him cope, and as you know, I prefer to blame myself whenever possible. So: shellshocked child/mother, CHECK.

Unexpectedly, I found myself telling him about infertility treatment as a sympathy measure. "Eema, did you ever have a blood draw?" "A lot of blood draws." "How about shots?" "Omg, too many shots to count." "And you didn't like them, but it was worth it, because you got a baby faster?"

And there you have it: the TL;DR version of my old blog! The end.

anger: six months

2011-10-03T08:38:00.013-05:00

If you're looking for my Rosh Hashana post, you might want to try last year's. I'm not doing much stock-taking of the spiritual kind, this year; I'm finding when I turn to Gd, I run into a solid wall of my own anger. So I'm...not.

Instead, some navel-gazing of a different kind.

"It's no help to know this is a beautiful portrait of grief", Jody wrote me three months ago. But it does help, actually.

Last summer I had the extreme pleasure of talking to Julie about why she blogged, and to Anna H. about why she didn't. If I'm not wildly misquoting them, Anna said at one point, Does it help you make sense of things? and Julie said, Yes. Definitely.

But I remember thinking: No, it doesn't. Not for me. I'm never sure I'm making sense, before or after writing. In fact I think I always assume, in the back of my mind, that I might look back on what I wrote a year ago and completely disagree with it.

It's probably one reason I don't look back, too often. It might even be one reason I took down my old blog.

So what am I in this for?

When I started talk therapy, years and years ago, my therapist asked me at the first session: Do you know why we do this? I was a psychology grad student at the time, so you'd think I would have had an answer ready. But I just blundered around, till she took pity on me and said: Because if we talk about it, we might find a pattern. And it can be a comfort to say, Ah. I recognize this. This kind of thing has happened to me before.

Maybe that is 'making sense of things', in a way? I don't know. I don't really see it that way. I think it's just that my overwhelming confusion is a little less hard to take, when I can...find a thread to follow my way through. When I can find a voice, in telling my own story.

So I do that. With the funny things I'm confused about, sure, but especially with the painful things: I try to tell those, not in prose, but in poetry. Because I can't stop it from happening; I can't understand why it had to happen; but…if it's a story, instead of just a series of senseless events, maybe it will turn out to have its own coherence.

And if I can wring some beauty out of ugliness - yes, there is a small solace in that. I'll take it.

I guess it's a very old instinct. No matter how powerless we humans are, we can still scrawl a defiant mark on the wall. Persephone was here in '11. This is my voice. This is my story.

the thing is

2011-09-11T22:00:00.003-05:00

I've been a lot better. But these days, facing my first trip to Israel where I won't see my sister at the other end, I'm worse again.

I know today I'm not the only one grieving.

I went back to read Emma's post from January, when we knew what lay ahead. I thought you might want to read it again too.

The Thing Is

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

- Ellen Bass

last fruits

2011-07-19T07:38:00.005-05:00

Hey, you guys. Thank you more than I can say for your thoughtful, kind comments on my last post.

Fair warning for anyone struggling with infertility: this may be hard for you to read. Please know that I hesitated for years before writing about this, not wanting to hurt you. And I wouldn't write about it now either, unless I needed to.

I am sad again today. Today we signed the agreement to thaw our remaining embryos.

I won't go into details, because they concern other people besides me. But I will say that we worked long & hard to donate these embryos, and we've finally hit an obstacle none of us can surmount.

I'm kind of stunned, after all the obstacles we did surmount.

I'm kind of angry: there are so many families out there besides ours, grieving the loss of a child or sibling to forces beyond their control - illness, accident, murder - you read the papers, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. And this is something we COULD have done. We could have brought some life into the world, instead of all this death. To have that chance taken out of our hands too feels a little like another death. Such a pointless waste.

And I'm just, well, sad. I made my peace with not having more children long ago...in theory. This is a lot more concrete. And final. And hard.

So I'm thanking Gd for the gifts I've been given. And hoping He understands if I cry a little, while turning the rest of them away.

grief: three months

2011-07-08T16:58:00.004-05:00

The hardest part is remembering what she looked like, that week when she was barely alive. The hardest part is remembering what she used to look like before that. The hardest part is when I can't remember something from before that, when I say something was A's favorite and someone else says no, that wasn't A, that was you, and we'll never be able to ask her and it's just gone. The hardest part is when something was gone years ago but resurfaces in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of playing with my kids, and I'm in tears with no control over them. The hardest part is walking around feeling raw in a way no one can see, like I have no skin. The hardest part is the edge of sadness that underlies everything. Everything.

I have a husband I love and adorable kids and I want to be happy, for them. I can't picture when I ever will.

From Twitter 06-15-2011

2011-06-16T19:37:00.002-05:00

08:09 woke to find our vintage nelson asterisk clock strangled during the night by balloon ribbon.
08:11 must have wrapped around and around its hands as they turned. hour by hour. almost wish we had it on time-lapse video.
08:26 also feeling kinda vindicated about my [formerly thought to be] paranoid No Balloons With Ribbons In The Room While You're Sleeping rule.
16:48 it is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in want of an exacto knife will never, ever, find it in stock at michael's. #0for3tries
18:40 argh. was just completely unhelpful to police re: attack that happened in our courtyard. i could only see victim, not her attacker.
18:41 kind of relieved no one is going to be calling me to testify, though.
18:44 my neighbor, on having to walk around at night with 2 sexual predators active in the 'hood: "it's a little creepy!" uh. you could say that.
20:18 for the love of...why is the school PTA sending me "It's important we voice our strong opposition to same-sex marriage in ny state" emails??
20:28 what is this "our opposition" they're talking about? i am in FAVOR, not opposed. also, since when is this what a PTA mailing list is for?
20:33 i'm rarely reminded so starkly that i don't belong here. then again, i'm not sure where in the orthodox world i would belong any better.
20:35 i'm resigned to being the fish out of water, mostly. but sometimes i would like just a LITTLE acknowledgment that NOT EVERYONE THINKS ALIKE.
20:38 my. i seem to have at least one rant a day lately, don't i? #crankypants
20:40 thinking of making the kids some "Separation Of Church And State: It's Good For The Jews" t-shirts.
21:13 MORE HERETICAL THINGS I BELIEVE: abortion should stay legal. there will be orthodox women rabbis. abraham should have refused to kill isaac.
21:13 [that last one is the one that took me longest to say out loud.]
21:49 ha! okay, i didn't think the abraham/isaac heresy would be the one getting the most reaction HERE. :)
21:51 i never use twitlonger, but i don't want to clutter up your feeds with a long explanation, either, so i'll try to write one now. stand by.
22:20 Okay, here's why I think Abraham failed his test instead of passing it. The way it was always taught to me, the (cont) tl.gd/b4u59f

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BET: "was that when we were a baby?"

2011-06-15T08:58:00.003-05:00

(The Year In Quotes.)

BET: I want what I want. Those are the rules of me.

PPHONE: So, do you think your stuffed animals had a good time in Vermont?
ALEPH: Well, Elmo likes to see new places. Brown Bear & Winnie the Pooh, I don't know.

ALEPH: Welcome to my ice cream store. What flavor would you like?
PPHONE: Cookies & cream, please.
ALEPH: Oh sorry Eema, that has sulfa* in it.
[*In case not obvious, Persephone is allergic to sulfa.]
PPHONE: Oh. Well, what flavor do you have that's safe for me to eat?
ALEPH: [smiling ruefully] Actually, I just realized...all our flavors have sulfa in them.

BET: I'm angry with you.
ALEPH: I'm angry with you.
BET: I'm angrier.
ALEPH: I'm angrier.
BET: I'm angriest.
ALEPH: I'm angriest.
BET: I'm angriest OF ALL.

PPHONE: These are really hard questions, Aleph. I don't know.
ALEPH: [sigh] All right, if you just answer *one* hard one, I will ask you easier questions.

[after battling Bet into bed]
PPHONE: Do you have a last thing to say before quiet time?
BET: I'm going to say...that you're not my mommy anymore.
PPHONE: Is that your last thing?
BET: That's *part* of my last thing. The next part is a knock knock joke.

BET: Abba, can you pretend you're a bad guy?
LANCE [reading newspaper]: No.
BET: How about a bad guy who just reads the paper?

FEEDING THERAPIST: Good for you for trying cottage cheese, Bet. That's not my favorite either.
BET: Then you should have some too!
FEEDING THERAPIST: I should?
BET: Sure! Everybody should try new things.
FEEDING THERAPIST: Heh. You're right. Okay. [warily takes a bite]
BET: [perky] How is it?

BET: Eema, can Hashem fly?
PPHONE: Well, I guess He could, but He doesn't need to. He's already everywhere.
BET: Because he's so big?
PPHONE: ...Right.
ALEPH: You mean He's wide.
PPHONE: Um...
BET: You mean He's fat.

BET: When a candle burns out, it's not alive anymore, right?
PPHONE: Well, uh, it was never alive.
BET: But Gd can still see it, right?
PPHONE:

[subway-loving kid at the supermarket]
ALEPH: Can we go to the express line, Eema? Wait, I think we have too many things for express. We better get on the local.

[Superman II: A Summary, by Aleph.]
When he gives up his powers, he can be hurt by normal things, but not kryptonite. When he gets his powers back, he can be hurt by *kryptonite*, but *not* normal things.

BET: [bops Lance in face with balloon]
LANCE:
BET: sorry.
LANCE:
BET: uh oh.

ALEPH: [with yogurt drip on shirt] Eema, can you take this shirt off me? I need to go to the bathroom.
PPHONE: Okay, but...why do you need to take it off for that?
ALEPH: beCAUSE. [flaps hands wildly] It's too YOGURTY.

PPHONE: [nixes 2nd video]
PPHONE: [nixes 3rd tuna melt]
PPHONE: [nixes chocolate milk 2 hrs early]
BET: [sadly] Eema. You're giving me a very hard time today.

ALEPH: Abba, if Superman saw a kind of candy that he'd never seen before, he would have to make sure there's no kryptonite in it. He'd have to say, "Is this kryptonite-free?"

BET [at bedtime]: "Shazaam…oh." [tries again] "Shema…"

BET: I'm all out of cute!
PPHONE: [Oh I think not.]

PPHONE: Aleph, what are you DOING to your hair?
ALEPH: Putting cheese in it! [is this a trick question?]

BET: Eema, you're so cozy. Can I sleep inside your shirt?

ALEPH: [thoughtfully] The water doesn't taste *so* bad with spit.

[boys march into kitchen]
BOYS: Eema, did you PUT AWAY OUR PILE [OF RANDOM JUNK]??
PPHONE: Yes. Yes I did.
BOYS: We are NOT.HAPPY.THAT YOU DID THAT.
[march back out]

ALEPH: There's a lady pirate!
PPHONE: What are you gonna do?
ALEPH: I will point her with a pointy stick!
PPHONE: [isn't this a Monty Python routine?]
ALEPH: And then drown her at the bottom of the water! And break her feet!!
PPHONE: Uh, I don't think you need to do both.
ALEPH: Please can I?

BET: Abba, why do you have hair on your...uh, everywhere?

ALEPH: Actually, I just thought of something kind of crazy!

BET: [building a house] I need 4 more squares.
ALEPH: Allllllll riiiiiight lemme see what I can do.

PPHONE: [to naked son] Bet, can I bring you some underpants?
BET: [magnanimously] Sure! If you want!

BET: Eema, maybe you could sleep with me the whole night for my *birthday*.
PPHONE: I don't think so.
BET: But MAYBE, right?

VISITING NIECE: Does Bet have something against pants?

ALEPH: But WHY aren't fairies real?
PPHONE: I don't know.
ALEPH: I think there should be some kind of way to invent one. How do you invent a fairy?
PPHONE: I don't know.
ALEPH: But how do you THINK?

ALEPH: Eema, why is my room arranged like this?

[sigh. good morning, young Stephen King.]
BET: [trailing fingers on my face] Spiders are crawling on you! Trying to get in your mouth!

BET: We're playing superfriends and I was wondering if you would like to be Wonder Woman. Because…you're a woman.

BET: [wearing cape, obviously] Superman needs you to clean his hands. Because he ate a LOT of macaroni and cheese.

ALEPH: I wonder what's going on in the Bronx right now.

BET: Eema, we don't have to cooperate with you all the time. Know why? Cause Abba said it's okay to make mistakes.

ALEPH: Eema, I guess you were right.
PPHONE: About what?
ALEPH: [sigh.] I don't know.

ALEPH: Eema, what do you think is going on in France right now?

BET: I just need a hug. A hug that never ends.
PPHONE: [hugs]
BET: Actually one that does end. But…not yet.

ALEPH: [on his first comic book] So it's a...book-cartoon?

ALEPH [to hosts]: If you don't want us to look in all your rooms, why did you invite us over?

PPHONE: [looking for specific Lego piece]
ALEPH: [pointing to random pile of Lego] My mind tells me it's in there.

EEMA: Don't touch that.
BET: I'm not touching, I'm just looking with my fingers.

ALEPH: So uh, Supper Lady? This is kind of good.

BET: I'm gonna cut that bad guy's head off! [aside] Do you have a scissor?

BET: [out of bed after bedtime after a very, very long day]
PPHONE & LANCE: [glaring]
BET: I just have a little problem.
PPHONE & LANCE: [still glaring] What's the problem?
BET: I...miss you guys.

BET: To the BAT-CRIBS!

PPHONE: Bet, go to the bathroom.
BET: [teenage sigh] I'm TIRED of that! Why do I have to do that all the TIME!

PPHONE: Bet, did you hear me? Why aren't you going the other way around the sofa?
BET: BeCAUSE! There's a lot of pee over there!

BET: I have a yellow beak, I waddle when I walk, and I'm covered with white fur. I must be a....?
PPHONE: Duck?
BET: I was thinking of pigs.
ALEPH: But pigs don't waddle when they walk.
PPHONE: And they don't have yellow beaks.
BET: I know, but I was *thinking* of them.

BET: [singing] when criminals in this world appear to break the laws that they should fear the call goes out both far and near for UNNNDERPANTS

BET: I wish I was half me and half Aleph.
PPHONE: Why?
BET: I don't want to be me *forever*.

ALEPH: Is there such a thing as a Hebrew muffin?

BET: Can I tell you about the time I was a shepherd?

ALEPH: Eema, it's really not comfortable the way you're holding me! But it's probably not you. It's me.
PPHONE: ?!
ALEPH: I mean it's my shirt.

overheard from kids' room:
[BANG] Flash hits a window! It doesn't break! [BANG] Flash hits it again!

BET: You know what superhero you are? HotGirl.
PPHONE: WHAT!? [tries to stop laughing] What's HotGirl's superpower?
BET: She makes things hot.

PPHONE: Bet, what did you get to do as Shabbos Abba?
BET: I was *really* nice to the Shabbos Eema.

ALEPH: So, is Green Eggs and Ham the same...brand...as The Cat in the Hat?

BET: [about to climb onto my lap]
PPHONE: Are your pants dry?
BET: Yes!
PPHONE: Then you can sit on my lap.
BET: [climbs up] They're *mostly* dry!

BET: More kisses. More. More. More more more more more more more more more more okay one more. And now last one. Okay.

BET: Eema, does a time machine have batteries?
EEMA: Uh…no, it probably has a flux capacitor.
BET: *That's* the problem, Aleph. It needs a flux capacitor.

BET: Where does it hurt?
EEMA: All across here. [indicates forehead]
BET: [deep breath] Okay. I'll start from the corner. [begins kissing]

BET: [putting what looks like...elephant tusks? on his lego car]
PPHONE: What are those?
BET: Horns! Beep beep!

ALEPH: Abba, if you *love* Bet, you should really let him do what he wants.

ALEPH: Eema?
PPHONE: Yes?
ALEPH: What can you do for me?

[listening to TMBG's Here Comes Science]
BET: I'm elephant man! I'm made of elements!
PPHONE: Okay.
BET: Wanna feel my elements?
PPHONE: [trying to stop laughing] Elements are too small to feel.
BET: But mine are really *big*.

BET: [screaming] Aleph! Aleph! Aaaalleeeeeeph!
ALEPH: I'll be with you in a moment.

BET: If you're not going to eat your mac & cheese, should I?
ALEPH: That's up to you. I don't care *what* you do. [pause] Unless it's mean.

BET: Eema, let's have a hug.
PPHONE: [hugs]
BET: Let's go to the bed and have hugs. Come on, Eema. Let's lie down and hug.

BET: I'm afraid of something.
PPHONE: What?
BET: My skeleton is so strong. What if it punches its way out of my body?

PPHONE: Can I have a hug?
ALEPH [scornful]: No!
PPHONE: Why?
ALEPH: ...[grin] because YES!

Bet's class has an every-snowflake-is-unique bulletin board.
Bet's quote says: "I'm special because I don't eat too much."

ALEPH: Eema, there's bear prints in the hallway!
PPHONE: Bear prints? How did a bear get in the hallway?
ALEPH: Well, they might have been giant chicken prints. It was dark. I couldn't tell.

BET: [runs out]
ALEPH: [runs out after him, points dramatically] to the EXPERIMENTS!
BET: [runs back in]

ALEPH: I might have a little bit of a pretend fever.

overheard [reading 10 Minutes Til Bedtime to each other]:
-So many hamsters!
-Eema would be really upset.
-Yeah, Eema would be really upset.

BET: Sleep is too boring.
EEMA: It's good to be bored sometimes. That's called 'downtime.'
ALEPH: [outraged disbelief] Good?! To be bored?!?

[arranged Bet's strawberry slices to look like a flower.]
ALEPH: Can you make mine look like a gun?
PPHONE: No.
ALEPH: Or like a daled! A daled is the shape of a gun.

BET: Wanna see my trick?
[puts laden spoon into mouth; takes out empty spoon]
FEEDING THERAPIST: Wow! It's magic!
BET: No. It's *science*.

BET [to grandparents, with big smile, clearly expecting praise]: I don't *want* to kiss you good night, but I'm going to anyway!

BET: Eema, we gotta figure this out or I'll whine. And I *know* you don't want me to *whine*.

ALEPH: [leaps into kitchen, brandishing swords at me] I'll take care of the woman!
BET: [whispers] Make sure she doesn't see you!

ALEPH: It's just, like [SOB] really *upsetting* for me [SOB] when you don't do what I *want*

BET: Stop! You're bothering me!
ALEPH: You never let me do anything I want!
BET: Everything you want to do *bothers me*!

BET [to Aleph]: Can I tell you something? I'm your sidekick.

BET: Let's play Pesach again! But this time the Egyptians are the good guys and the Jews are the bad guys.

BET: I'm hungry.
PPHONE: There's some grapes left from yesterday, do you want some?
BET: [decidedly] No, I don't eat grapes from yesterday.

ALEPH: Your body's waterproof, right? Water can't get through your body. *Nothing* can get through your body. Wellllllll, maybe a pickax.

ALEPH: [singing to self] life is my favorite, life is my favorite
ZAIDY: [enters] You're eating grapefruit! That's one of my favorite things.
ALEPH: I bet not as much as being *alive*! Okay, choose which one is your favorite: having a lot of grapefruits in the house, or STAYING ALIVE.

BET: You never let me watch videos as much as I want!
[note: he watched 3+ hrs today.]
PPHONE: Bet, I told you. no more talking about videos.
BET: I'm not talking about *videos*. I'm talking about how I *feel* about them.

ALEPH: Come on Bet, let's pillow fight the window! *THWACK*

PPHONE: Look, I made my batcycle some wings.
ALEPH: That was clever of you, Eema.

BET: [nauseous] You know what I feel like? You know what I *feel* like?
PPHONE: [looks wildly for bucket] What? What???
BET: I feel like watching a VIDEO.

LANCE: [leaves message and hangs up phone]
ALEPH: Wait, wait! [hopefully] Can we press 1 for more options?

ALEPH [to our guest]: Rochel…you're not boring.

BET: [screaming] STOP THAT! STOP THAT! STOP THAT!
ALEPH: I'll stop if you stop SCREAMING IN MY EAR!
BET: Okay.

***

5 years old. Still funny. Bring it on, Year 6.

From Twitter 06-14-2011

2011-06-15T08:37:00.000-05:00

10:45 steam coming out of my ears. way out of proportion to cause. i'm gonna...do some Mr. Miyagi breathing here for a few minutes.
10:46 IIIIIIIIINNNNNN. OUUUUUUUT.
12:54 see, this is why i don't bake. you know what happens? MOCKERY FROM @ONETIREDEMA, that's what happens.
16:46 milestone: boys sat across from each other, next to strangers, on train; i stood in middle so both could see me; no one had a panic attack!
16:46 not even me!
17:58 children, today we're having OMGIHAVENOIDEA for dinner.
18:00 i may APPEAR to be here, but my brain has checked out. sorry. fend for yourselves. #eemahasleftthebuilding
23:14 oy. it's been a bad few days. i hope i wake up with better coping skills in the morning.

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From Twitter 06-13-2011

2011-06-14T06:49:00.001-05:00

08:26 say your kids have standing therapy appt's on thursday. say you forgot thurs would be a jewish holiday until weds - ALSO a jewish holiday.
08:27 hence, you could not use the phone to call & cancel their appt's. all you could do was not show up.
08:30 aside from profuse verbal apologies, would you bring their therapists a small smoothing-things-over gift next time? and if so, what?? halp.
08:31 concerns here are both personal and general: you love these therapists. also, you don't want to give orthodox jews a bad name. okay? go.
10:48 oh hey! today my neighborhood is plastered with sketches/photos of men who sexually assaulted 3 women this weekend. 1 happened on my corner.
16:02 ALEPH: see, bet, you broke mine. now, i'm not gonna punish you; i just want you to know that wasn't good.
18:37 omg, will one of you PLEASE teach aleph how to blow his nose? it's like living with a piglet. snortsnortsnortsnortsnort
18:42 most of you recommend cookies for scorned therapists. that sounds lovely, except 1) these women are SO thin, i'm not actually sure they eat.
18:42 and 2) i can't bake. i mean, i don't bake. i mean, i am unlikely to take up baking before tomorrow at noon.
18:44 i think @curlywhenwet's advice wins. i'll stop by the farmer's market tomorrow and hope they have something fruitylicious.
19:01 it's been so long since i cleaned up in the kitchen i'm scared to go in there.
19:02 here's my plan: KEEP ON not cleaning it. no, no, it works! soon i can declare it a toxic waste area, rope it off and stop worrying about it.

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From Twitter 06-12-2011

2011-06-13T01:00:00.000-05:00

08:21 ALEPH: YAY YAY YAY! BET: you're being too loud. ALEPH: YAY YAY YAY! BET: you're being too loud. ALEPH: yay! BET: you're being too soft.
08:42 ALEPH: bet, i need to be loud *or* soft! BET: soft. ALEPH: yay.
10:47 BET: [peeks head around bathroom door] can you pretend to be catwoman? EEMA: ...okay. BET: [closes door again]
12:36 RT @after_words: Lost power for 30 seconds and all my electronics are FUBAR. I am not prepared for the zombie apocalypse.
12:38 hey, NO one expects the zombie apocalypse.
17:35 score! diana wynne jones' archer's goon: 99 cents at goodwill. *crossing off my list*
18:57 OH from the kids' room: "DON'T. CALL ME. PROFESSOR. POOPY."
22:55 snooping through aleph's camera to delete the pics of me in pajamas; found one of huge messy pile of laundry. hahaha! I HAVE THE POWER *zap*
22:58 but what about his artistic vision, i know, i know. you don't have to tell me. I'M EVIL. I OWN IT.
23:00 so fascinating, though. bet has taken much fewer photos than aleph has - but FAR more of bet's are photos of people.
23:07 meanwhile, my usb camera cord does not appear to work with the kids' cameras. the interweb says i have to use the cord that came with them.
23:08 but i don't recall SEEING any cord that came with them. GAH! did i throw it out by mistake? am i a complete idiot? do i need to answer that?

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From Twitter 06-11-2011

2011-06-12T01:00:00.000-05:00

16:12 huh. i didn't mean to disappear for *another* day.
16:13 just, it turns out, skyping in to your sister's memorial? i can't really recommend any part of that.

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From Twitter 06-09-2011

2011-06-10T01:00:00.000-05:00

22:19 so. four THOUSAND games of Sorry later.

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From Twitter 06-07-2011

2011-06-08T01:00:00.001-05:00

bet apparently woke lance up at 4 AM to hold his hand.
EEMA: [wth?] were you...scared about something? BET: yeah! EEMA: what? BET: not having someone to *talk to* and *hold my hand*.
oooh. gluten free AND nut free soy sauce! it exists! now if only i can find it in the wild.
...preferably before i have to revise half my shavuot menu.
at least i remembered our guest is gluten free before i did ALL the cooking. good grief.
pricey reusable containers we've lost since beginning of year: 2 kleen kanteens, 2 etsy sandwich wraps, 3 rubbermaid produce savers.
i know we still saved $ (& the environment, blah blah blah) but it is disheartening. and hard to bring myself to buy the pricey ones again.
relatives mildly horrified i forgot my anniversary. "is anything wrong, persephone?" *COUGH* apart from the obvious, you mean?
i don't know, am i giving the impression that i'm fine and everything is back to normal?
just because i'm not actually falling DOWN while i put one foot in front of the other doesn't mean i'm fine.
shoot. forgot to eat lunch. now arms & legs all shaky.
note: it's only 2 PM *and* i had giant bowl of cereal few hours ago. this is why i don't get people who are like "i forgot to eat all day!"
i'm like THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME, SEE. because of the FAINTING.
SHAVUOT SO FAR: lasagne, spinach quiche, french toast, mango/carrots. NOT MADE YET: green beans, salmon, sweet potato fries, limonana.
and salads. and make-your-own ice cream sundaes.
3 hours till the kids come home. i think i can i think i can.
our prey - gluten free soy sauce - eludes us still. so far: not at keyfood, associated, local specialty market, or whole foods.
BUT! it exists! or so the faithless internet claims! http://ow.ly/5clsy
everything done except the fries. awww yeah.
oh good! ruined half batch fries, burned my finger & set off the smoke detector all in the last 15 minutes. WHY DO I CONGRATULATE SELF EARLY
you can't really RUIN fries though, amirite???
am sneaking a glass of limonana. i earned it. i mean, need it. you know, WHATEVER.
i'm honored to have worked on this slideshow of my sister, but relieved to be done. it didn't get any less painful as it went along.
here's how it goes: happy...happy...happy...no hair...cautiously happy...no hair again...much, much too thin and...gone.
i'm angry looking at the rest of us in these photos, with our full cheeks.
all right. chag sameach, to those of you who celebrate; see you all in a few days.

From Twitter 06-06-2011

2011-06-07T01:00:00.000-05:00

12:01 pro tip: be nice to your spouse EVERY day; you never know when your parents will mail you a card & you'll realize IT'S YOUR ANNIVERSARY OMG.
12:04 *cue unhinged laughter* SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS. I HAD NO IDEA.
12:06 i think i get a My Sister Just Died I'm On Another Planet Right Now pass, but yikes. glad i started the day doing something nice for lance.
13:20 uh...bet, what are your firemen doing? BET: napping! it's rest time. twitpic.com/57we8z
15:53 bet wanted to play with aleph at recess but aleph wanted to play with his own friends. bet got so upset he started hitting & got a time out.
15:54 there are so many things about that story that make me want to cry.

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From Twitter 06-05-2011

2011-06-06T01:00:00.000-05:00

11:40 well, that took longer than expected. EEMA: i don't want to see you do that again. BET: what if you *don't* see me?
11:44 oh, SUPER NEWS. aleph just pushed a vacuum cleaner attachment out our 4th floor window. why? "well, there was a hole in the screen."
11:46 no screaming from the sidewalk below, so...either he didn't kill anyone, or they died instantly.
11:51 DEAR SON, I DO NOT THINK 'ACCIDENT' MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.
13:02 ahahahaha p.s. am tweeting from prison. RT @amaltman: Or someone's going, "oh, sweet! I've been looking for one of these!" #mannafromheaven
13:05 ALEPH to bet: [bellowing] I AM NOT 'OLD CHUM'!

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From Twitter 06-04-2011

2011-06-05T01:00:00.001-05:00

21:35 ALEPH: [singing] i throw luke skywalker in the air sometimes, saying ay-o

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From Twitter 06-03-2011

2011-06-04T01:00:00.000-05:00

WHY did i get a hat with a dangling toggle for the child who compulsively chews on things?
i mentioned bet's being teased by classmates to his SEIT and she said, "it's not him. there are just some boys with problems in his class."
encouraging. i think.
we actually knew going in that bet's class had what the school considered "tough kids," though we didn't know who they were, obviously.
we thought it was best for him for other reasons. next year i think we have to make it a priority NOT to put bet in that kind of class.
because...being the target of teasing for so long is going to become part of his self-image. whether it *is* him, or not.
aleph now up to 375 photos in his seminal _Items On The Floor_ series.
i have eaten approx 6 BAZILLION dannon coffee yogurts since this http://ow.ly/59wS1 sweepstakes started, & haven't collected a single word.
people, if *i* can't win a dannon contest? no one can.
the sink is too full of dishes for me to wash the dishes. sorry.
spending some quality time once again with The Man Whose Face Couldn't See. should probably apologize to neighbors out my kitchen window.
alllllll riiiight weather! 70 degrees! good job!!! #positivereinforcement
dear etsyperson, WHERE. ARE. OUR SUPERHERO CAPES. #prioritymailFAIL
by this past tuesday the latest. my foot.
you guys, i don't know. the kids were just weighed and once again, aleph is coming in at the 95th %ile for weight; bet is at the 96th.
aleph has pretty much always been at 95th. he's very muscle-y. i honestly do not think he's obese, and it's hard for me to worry about him.
bet used to be a LOT skinnier, back when he didn't like to eat. he's clearly got more body fat and less muscle than aleph. but...still.
i don't think anyone could possibly look at him and think "obese', either. maybe i'm misunderstanding what BMI is meant for, in children?
is it about risk for health problems now? or that even a little extra weight, on a kid, puts him at risk for obesity-related problems LATER?
because i can certainly buy that my kids are likely to be overweight adults; plenty of family history for that. i just don't see it NOW.
96th percentile or not.

From Twitter 06-02-2011

2011-06-03T01:00:00.000-05:00

HOW can my house be trashed again already, i just PUT everything away...wait...four days ago.
OMG whyyyyyy did i email bet's feeding therapist to ask what foods i should bring today when i have less than 3 hours to buy and prep them?
maybe i'm turning into a crankypants, but it's starting to bug me when even allergy writers call a recipe "allergen-free."
IT DEPENDS WHAT YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO. what they MEAN is, it's "top 8 allergen free."
in case you're wondering, the top 8 (in THIS country! it varies elsewhere) are: milk, wheat, soy, egg, tree nut, peanut, fish & shellfish.
aleph, for instance? allergic to mustard: not in the Top 8. for him, not including the Top 8 does NOT make the recipe allergen-free.
it's not because Top 8 are the only serious ones, either. here's some kids anaphylactic to sesame, kiwi, & pumpkin seeds: http://ow.ly/58DOe
you can be allergic to almost any food! it's an absurd term. i'd be cool with calling WATER allergen-free, i think.
not that it matters as much, because it's not ingested, but yeah, calling skincare products"hypoallergenic"? sorry.
oh, okay, FINE. i will let that one slide. it doesn't mean "non-allergenic", it means "LESS allergenic." #crankypants
want to meet an allergy mama who's NOT a crankypants? scroll to end of this: http://ow.ly/58H0R wow. maybe i can be like her when i grow up.
Things That Sounded Better In My Head, part 2,678: "No shooting people during a time-out!"
BET: eema, let me take a picture of you on your computer. [IN YOUR NATURAL HABITAT.]
attention whatever i just stepped on: IDENTIFY YOURSELF. are you yogurt? please say you are yogurt.
ALEPH: eema, you can't sit on the sofa anymore. i made it something that explodes.
hey, you know who should not be pleasure-reading a short story about someone having an anaphylactic reaction? ME THAT'S WHO
it took me a few minutes to figure out WHY i was so anxious. good grief. i'm going to need a warning for allergic main characters, now?
BET: [completely serious, with mask on top of his head]: oh NO. i can't find my spiderman mask.

From Twitter 06-01-2011

2011-06-02T01:00:00.001-05:00

ALEPH: [shows me 47 pictures of things on the floor]
ALEPH: here's another good one i got! [bottom half of bet's face]
Things You Don't Expect to Have to Say, Part 4,567: "hey! no pictures of me when i'm in the bathroom."
*pint size paparazzi mutter mutter*
hippie snark! RT @devarim I have to grow the wheat first, dear. RT @onetiredema It's been 15 min & nobody's fixed my no icecream cone issue.
aleph's rash bad enough to make him cry today. argh.
ALSO, yesterday he demanded we play some made-up combination of set and gin rummy, and...i think he basically reverse-engineered rummikub.
leaving any minute for IEP meetings with a new administrator. nervous.
i don't know why; we already have their Turning 5 IEPs, so the most she can mess up for my kids is the next 6 weeks.
i just advocated my a** off.
in other words: the nerves were warranted.
we got the most important thing we wanted *added* to the IEP, so i'm just not going to think about the things they took out. SCORE! ...(?)
meanwhile, also took aleph to the doctor. it IS eczema. AND impetigo.
i kind of thought impetigo was something to do with pirates.
never heard aleph so quiet. must be tiptoeing around taking pictures again. secret military installations, or his lunchbox, or...something.
ALEPH: bet, while you weren't looking, i got a picture of your camera.
shhhhhhhhhhhhhh! #blowinghiscover RT @amaltman: Aleph has a future career with Mossad. #ispy

From Twitter 05-31-2011

2011-06-01T01:00:00.002-05:00

07:10 the birthday boys woke us up at fiiiiiiiiiiiiiive thirty.
07:11 i think they've misunderstood the FIVE element of this birthday.
07:40 snark: the birthday gift that keeps on giving! RT @onetiredema Happy Birthday Aleph & Bet! Wishing you a drama free year! #fallsdownlaughing
11:37 it is more awkward than you might think to transport 34 already-blown-up balloons to school.
11:38 tempted to tie ribbons to them all and see if i can fly.
17:04 so i've been watching the rash around aleph's mouth grow for a couple of days, and wracking my brain for any suspicious foods he ate; now...
17:06 ...i notice itchy patches inside his elbows & knees, under his neck, and various other places. now wondering if it's the return of eczema?
17:12 which widens the net way, way too much. food? sunscreen? sweating? heat rash!? new detergent GAAAAAAAAH. #ihateallergies
17:59 twitter, this is embarrassing, but my 1st day of commuting at summer temps has shown - indisputably - that i need a better deodorantZOMG.
17:59 TELL ME YOUR FAVORITES. I MUST KNOW.
18:24 ahahaha kids just opened their cameras and are taking their first terrible pictures. i foresee hours of laughing at them. i mean with them.
18:43 ...related: i may need to stop wearing shorts & tank tops around the house.
18:43 *click*
20:38 like last year, aleph was a deer in headlights at his bday party. bet was oddly GREAT with the spotlight but fell apart 3x in the next hour.
20:40 i, of course, was in worse shape than either one of them, having just been to two parties in a ROW. TWO. PARTIES. INTROVERT HEAD EXPLODE
20:41 no, it doesn't make any difference if the party guests i'm supposed to ! mingle with are 5 years old. ...evidently.
20:44 i guess that's at least one thing to look forward to when they're in the same class, next year. only one class party! #collapses

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From Twitter...

2011-05-31T01:00:00.000-05:00

i think he likes it. BET: this ravioli is delicious. dah-licious. DAH-LICIOUS!
what am i doing today at 3 PM? this: http://ow.ly/561kb thanks, @Hadassah_Levy.
ohhhhhhh super. BET: you know why i like to scare other children? because i think it's FUNNY.
he's been scaring SMALLER kids, which is really upsetting to watch. trying to nip the bullied-kid-becomes-a-bully cycle. it's...slow going.
i think he just can't differentiate between someone who's a threat / someone who's an equal / someone who's more vulnerable than him. yet.
working on it. we really are.
both of my children have elected to wear brown t-shirts AND brown shorts.
i don't know where they get it from.
agggh. surprise picture of my sister. just going to cry for a minute here.
she was beautiful. have i mentioned that? i think i've mentioned that.
hiding in my bedroom, eating probably-nut-contaminated sushi. #confessions"
important skill for an allergy mama: Clandestine Takeout Eating.

From Twitter...

2011-05-30T01:00:00.000-05:00

BET: we're superheroes who got married. so we're like, helping each other and holding hands while we fly.
i assumed this was based on OUR marriage but it turns out it's from a superhero video they saw this morning.
the problem with last summer, if you recall, was by the time i got sunscreen on bet, i'd lost my will to LIVE much less go the playground.
by comparison, today was...eerily painless. i'm trying VERY hard not to get my hopes up.
my family seems to find it confusing that i refer to it as the 'dining room table' when we do not, in point of fact, have a dining room.
i actually just told someone the thing they were looking for was "in the dining room." you know, our IMAGINARY ONE. #imeantonthetable
so sad to see bet still can't eat mango - which he LOVES - if it's a little stringy. he tried every slice i gave him; gagged on every one.
HOW many years have we been in feeding therapy?
i guess i'll...keep cutting his food into bites until HE can cut it into bites. at this rate his knife skills will mature before his eating.
have to remember also that: a) he eats SO many more foods than he used to b) he had a pretty 'sensory' day already, what with the sunscreen.
all goes toward my theory: you can't cure sensory processing disorder; all you can do is teach a kid how to not have tantrums about it.

From Twitter...

2011-05-29T01:00:00.000-05:00

23:17 i can't fit both boys on my lap in the glider anymore. wah. i really wish we had one in the chair-and-a-half size.
23:39 on the other hand, boys now old enough to play Set with us shabbat afternoon. amazing. don't think we've done that since we were childless.
23:41 fair warning: there might be a LOT of "they're so big it's sad / they're so big it's awesome" flip-flopping as their birthday approaches.

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From Twitter...

2011-05-28T01:00:00.001-05:00

08:55 i love this woman. RT @maureenjohnson: Morning has bro-ken, like the first #airhorn . . . black bird has spo-ken, like the #airhorn . . .
09:08 superhero capes are in the mail!!!
09:10 still no idea how i'm going to make chicken without roasting my family.
14:33 i'm not sure which was more awesome: holding the 2 babies, BOTH of whom are soothable, or having the grownup conversation with their mama.
14:37 i think i've stumbled on the secret to a REALLY good playdate: don't bring my own kids!
16:37 remember all my agonizing last summer about how to take both kids to farmer's market by myself? realized this year, i'm not scared at all.
16:38 i can let go of their hands to choose produce. i can even turn my back for a minute! i know they won't run into traffic. 5yos FTW, OMG.
16:45 we MIGHT still have a problem with chasing each other around tables. or refusing to walk. or... #okaymaybestillalittlewary
16:49 opened the oven and literally steamed up my glasses.
16:53 also wondered why the living room was suddenly so cool! heh. someone put the A/C on instead of the fan. OKAY I GIVE UP, IT IS A/C WEATHER
16:55 dear NYC weather: would have been nice to have at least A COUPLE days in the 70s instead of skipping right from 60s to 80s. i'm just saying.
17:29 mind you, we are not having floods, tornadoes, or nuclear disasters, so perhaps i should shut up and appreciate the sunshine.

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From Twitter...

2011-05-27T01:00:00.002-05:00

17:58 wearing the crocs @abbybreitstein gave me for shiva. i never had a pair before and now i will probably always associate one with the other.
17:59 thing i learned that i hope i won't need to know again: when anticipating a loved one's death in a foreign country, pack non-leather shoes.
21:57 i am friends with someone who just "liked" celine dion on facebook.
22:00 still friends, i mean.
23:24 if i cook for shabbat in my usual fashion - throw everything in a pan and roast it - we're going to roast OURSELVES. need new plan.
23:26 or an air conditioner next to the oven. either one.

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From Twitter...

2011-05-26T01:00:00.000-05:00

tears for tripndaddy, today. wishing @tripnmommy & trips the same kind of enveloping communal support i saw for my sister's husband & kids.
well, the die is cast. bet is ibuprofen'd & off to queens for the day. now i just hold my breath about 6 hours.
worst case scenario: i get to spend a day going to queens, too. :/
had to put a new song on infinite loop today because i can't get enough of it. wow, i haven't done this in a long time.
a lot easier than the old days, when i had to record it 5x in a row on a mix tape! itunes says i'm at...25 repeats. i'm not sick of it yet.
do other people do this? just me?
so far no "come rescue your sick child, you awful parent" phone calls!
BET: is art the same as science? EEMA: not really. BET: how about if you paint a color and it changes into *another* color, is THAT science?
questions arise when you listen to a song, even one you love, 35 times. "but my face couldn't see"? why is he trying to see with his *face*?
p.s. bet does not seem sick, and reports the hall of science "is AWESOME." thanks for the moral support, everyone. :)
i cannot emphasize enough how much whole wheat macaroni & cheese is not.the same.thing.
fixing all the teeny tiny tabs my kids ripped off this book: http://ow.ly/53cKH yes, it's cool enough to be worth it.

From Twitter...

2011-05-25T00:24:00.002-05:00

10:57 hmm. gap sweats on sale. are they any sturdier than old navy?? or will my kids shred them too, & i should save my $ for double-knee hannas?
11:18 also, it finally occurred to me that "i can't waaalk! my feet huuurt!" might not mean "i am a big whiny baby" but rather "i need new shoes."
11:19 #motheroftheyear
18:42 also ALSO? the next time bet says "my forehead hurts. can you check if i have fever?" i'm going to take him a tad more seriously.
18:44 let me just review, here: in the past 2 days bet has informed me that 1) he needs a bigger bed; 2) he needs bigger shoes; 3) he has fever.
18:46 i...don't THINK i'm asleep on the job, but it sure does feel like it.
18:48 RT @annsy5: Well, he's apparently growing so fast his head is getting all hot from the friction. Right? #scienceihasit
18:57 omg. just realized tomorrow is the school trip to the hall of science. REALLY? he's going to miss this for a fever of 100.6??
19:01 can't i just dose him up with motrin and send him? no one will know excepttheinternet *sob*
22:33 okay, i think i'm looking at this backwards.
22:34 i'm not doing him any favors by sending him on this trip when he might get sicker midway, and then be too far away for me to pick him up.
22:36 right?? but oh, i so don't look forward to telling him in the morning.
23:57 feeling very virtuous. one of my friends tweets WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? and i don't even give ONE example!
23:58 i bet you all want to be friends with me now! don't be misled, though, i usually can't resist a setup.

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From Twitter...

2011-05-24T07:10:00.002-05:00

12:22 i should have known aleph would think "i can't play a board game right before bed, but i will tomorrow" means "right before school instead."
12:22 pphone: disappointing aleph daily, since 2006.
14:43 dear son: if i find your silly putty on the floor ONE more time, i'm throwing it out. kisses.
14:44 how can these people have lived with me for 5 years and not figured out the key to keeping me rage-free is DON'T LEAVE THINGS ON THE FLOOR?
14:44 i am not a complicated woman.
14:45 minor flaw with playing "In These Shoes" while cleaning; have to stop cleaning and dance.
16:06 hey, i ate normal food for the first time in 24 hours and i'm not doubled over with pain! WIN! #lowstandards
16:08 clearly it's time to push my luck and eat some junk food. #lowintelligence
17:18 SECONDED. RT @onetiredema: And @amaltman saved the day. Good people, she is.
17:37 my kids just played a board game with EACH OTHER. there was a lot of screaming, but no actual gunfire, so...i think it went well.
18:09 just noticed my kids are conducting their pillow fight *on trampolines*. i don't need to intervene, right? how could this possibly go wrong?
19:25 wth?? ALEPH: a boy in my class wants to know if i can give him my Iron Man as a present. but he says i need to put it in a present box.

From Twitter 05-22-2011

2011-05-23T03:15:00.000-05:00

i found something almost as good as the sweater of my sister's i was hoping to keep: 2 skirts she bought sometime last year...*for me*.
at a tag sale, or something, she saw them and said: "those are for persephone." i never even knew about it. just stumbled on them now.
and yes. one of them is brown.
*sniffle*
bet informs me that he is "too fat" for his bed. IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE, EEMA
WELL THEN. i guess that answers the "how much longer can we keep them in converted cribs" question.

From Twitter 05-20-2011

2011-05-21T03:15:00.000-05:00

BET: aleph - ALEPH: bet. what you need to focus on, right now, is putting on your shoes.
RANDOM STRANGER: you know, you can communicate with each other in ways we can't. because you're *twins*. MY KIDS: [stare at her blankly]

From Twitter 05-19-2011

2011-05-20T03:15:00.000-05:00

okay. this was not what i needed to read first thing in the morning. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43070131/ns/health-allergies_and_asthma
aleph has taken to stretching his kippah down over his ears. it's more of a...trapper hat, now.
YES. also, taking twin toddlers to the park. RT @mrsroth: Wonder if my years of carpool experience qualify me to be a sheperd.
so, now i know. the sweater my sister loaned me when i was pregnant - the one i hoped would be my keepsake - is gone. given away years ago.
it is silly to cry over a sweater. i know i'm not really crying about the sweater.
no, this is good. some pregnant woman out there is actually wearing it, not putting it in a drawer like i was going to.
i'm sure she loves it as much as we both did.

From Twitter 05-18-2011

2011-05-19T03:15:00.001-05:00

RT @onetiredema: I like how the Internet never closes. And always calls you back.
so depressing to watch bet greeted with trash talk every. single. time he walks into classroom.
he's learned to stick up for himself, by now, but apparently not in a way that makes it go away.
my mother is coming to visit and is going to think i haven't vacuumed since the LAST time she came to visit. in february.
i definitely have. at least once.
dear caffeine: you are not doing it for me today. i'll give you one more chance, and then i'm moving on to meth.
found a recipe i saved from childhood, hoping to make with my own kids someday. title: "no bake peanut butter kisses." #thingswhichareironic
they WERE good, as i remember. but i bet the biggest part of the thrill was making edible cookies without being old enough to use an oven.
in which case: maybe we can just make a batch of cookie dough and LET THEM EAT IT.
here, make them with your kids instead: 2 cups dry milk. 1 cup pb. 1/2 cup honey. 1/4 cup chocolate chips.
"in a bowl, mix dry milk, peanut butter and honey. roll dough into balls. roll balls in chocolate chips. eat it up!"
#youllhavetoimaginethedecorativestars #iwas7

From Twitter 05-17-2011

2011-05-18T03:15:00.000-05:00

morning update: 2 boys on nebulizer, 1 boy on prednisolone. I THINK YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
hard to resist the urge to run to the ER, when i see him working so hard to breathe, but we have meds & a dr's appt at 12. i think we're ok.
another fun thing about all these therapies is blearily trying to remember which 3 to cancel in the morning, every time a kid gets sick.
once i forgot 1. she drove out here for nothing. she was not pleased. but you know, up half night with sick kid = my brain is not ALL THERE.
awwww! big-name allergist just called to check that aleph is okay. feeling a little better about that whole episode.
huh. aleph's new water shoes look kind of like...mary janes.
he loves them. so i guess we're keeping them?
thing that does not work with aleph: asking him to play by himself while i wash the dishes.
thing that does work with aleph: letting him play RIGHT NEXT TO MY FEET while i wash the dishes.
it's a good thing they're not both like this. i'd be tripping a lot more.
you'll be pleased to know aleph did not SUCCEED in coughing up his lung, just now.
bet: [screaming] STOP THAT! STOP THAT! STOP THAT! aleph: i'll stop if you stop SCREAMING IN MY EAR! bet: okay.
see, they have people-skills, they're just...not safe for society.

From Twitter 05-16-2011

2011-05-17T03:15:00.000-05:00

how does aleph have the energy to dress up in his monkey costume at 7 AM?
this morning we have one boy and one foghorn.
how can bet's breathing get so much worse AFTER we put him on nebulizer? trying not to jump to conclusion he'll be on prednisone by tonight.
great. bet's breathing still making me nervous, and now he won't let me take off his shirt to check for retractions.
sick child + panicky unreasonable child = unfortunate combination
gaaah just made fool of self on phone with big name allergist gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
this was aleph at school pickup: it's hard to breathe / feel like i'm gonna throw up / too tired to walk home / goes limp / falls asleep.
it's logical for it to be asthma; but...this is not, at all, what he does for asthma.
so is it anaphylaxis? isn't it? is it? ISN'T IT???
fyi, the official line is: if you're not sure, USE EPIPEN. but it's hard, in practice, to put a kid through that with so little to go on.
his breathing doesn't actually LOOK that bad, i was just freaked out by the going limp / passing out thing.
naturally, all dr could tell me was "try asthma meds, or see ped, or go to ER" so now i...kinda hope he doesn't remember my name next time.
BUT! we did try asthma meds, he does seem a little better, and i finally realized: falling asleep is totally normal if he's getting SICK.
so relieved but also such an idiot. all i could think was THIS CAN'T BE ASTHMA SO IT MUST BE ANAPHYLAXIS GAH. must recalibrate alarm system.
now, just riding out the adrenaline. and embarrassment.
aleph now sitting up (weakly) demanding card games. DEAR SON: you scared the hell out of me today. hi. can i give you a hug?
ALEPH: abba, do you remember how to play poker? that sounds like a familiar game.
so. at end of day, we have: TWO boys short of breath, on nebulizers, and in bed. believe it or not, this is the happy ending.

From Twitter 05-15-2011

2011-05-16T03:26:00.001-05:00

and now, the final cape answers you've been waiting for! *drumroll*
(1) BATMAN black side w yellow bat / THE ATOM yellow side w black atom (2) BATMAN blue side w black bat / SPIDERMAN red side w black spider.
that's a...creative colorway for The Atom. i know.
RT @mrsroth: Greatful & jealous of how naive my kids are to violence in the world. I hope that when they are older there will peace for all.
amen.
SUPERHERO CAPE UPDATE: etsy person has never done The Atom. but she thinks she can make it work.
ALEPH: eema, could we have some more snuggling time? EEMA: *wordless* http://bikkurim.blogspot.com/2010/08/curl-me-up-inside-you.html
dear israel, please send me all your flip flops. http://www.etsy.com/shop/sandali
ALEPH: actually, bet, it might be a good idea if *i* carry the heavier one.
sorting through photos for my sister's unveiling. asking myself stupid questions like, "why does this suck so much?"
she looks so happy.

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From Twitter 05-14-2011

2011-05-15T03:20:00.001-05:00

i REALLY want to take the boys to LI tomorrow. but 2 hrs & 3 trains each way / bathrooms / food, water, & spare clothes...my courage fails.
i'm pretty sure my ex-nanny would have done it.
heck, i bet @abbybreitstein would do it. only two kids! that's nothing! :D

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From Twitter 05-13-2011

2011-05-14T03:19:00.001-05:00

took out the summer pj's. aleph reunited with his beloved lime green clown stripe cropped pants.
also, told the boys they could pick 2 superheroes for reversible capes for their birthday. now driving me INSANE changing their minds, obvs.
currently narrowed down to black vulcan/captain america OR superman/batman OR batman/spiderman OR black vulcan/batman. *rolleyes*
OR batman/captain america.
grrrrrr. bogus $13 "compufixcomp" charge on my phone bill. i googled them and huh, this is happening to a lot of people: http://ow.ly/4TZ2s
aaaaaaaaaand will require talking to someone on the phone to fix it. oh, lance! *bats eyelashes*
substituting whole wheat pasta in the kids' mac & cheese SEEMED like it was going so well. then i discovered now no one will eat leftovers.
wow. choked up by surprise at another mike viola song. i think i have to treat his entire discography as loaded, after my sister's death.
feeding therapist has discovered bet will eat chicken soup with RAW carrots in it, not cooked. #mykidisweirderthanyourkid
kids' birthday gift from grandparents just arrived - first cameras - and i'm so excited i'm not sure i can keep this secret for two weeks.
kids have still not narrowed down their superhero choices, but have been informed the next 2 they say out loud WILL BE THEIR FINAL ANSWERS.
use your lifelines wisely, boys.
not sure my parents will remember this bday. but after losing their daughter & mother, i say they get credit for remembering my kids' NAMES.
oh good, that was a "honey chicken cooking nicely" smell, not "honey chicken burning ALL OVER THE OVEN AGAIN" smell. #maddashfromthebathroom
i still have not mastered the art of Washing My Serrated Peeler Without Peeling My Sponge.
also, the gas under the soup has been on & the flame out for...half an hour? GAH. we're still alive, in case you're worried.

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From Twitter 05-12-2011

2011-05-13T14:34:00.002-05:00

we have a car this morning! you know what this means? TARGET DATE WITH MY HUSBAND WHOO!!!...we need to move out of the city.
SPEAKING OF WHICH: any board game recommendations for 5yos?? need a b-day gift for my boys to give their class. in $10 range, ideally.
the class already has: candyland, chutes & ladders, memory, & dominoes.
ALEPH: can we draw cards on this paper? EEMA: ok. ALEPH: can i cut them out & *you* draw them? EEMA: ...ok. wait, how many are you cutting!?
ALEPH: fifty-two, so we can play go fish! EEMA: uh...no. i'm not drawing a whole deck of cards. we HAVE cards. ALEPH: *puppy dog eyes*
p.s. thanks for all the great board game ideas! sadly all WAY more than $10 @ target, but now on my wishlist. there'll be a sale eventually.
p.p.s. i did find an eric carle board game for $12. it looks decent. please don't tell me if it's not. :)
also discovered (by RUSH of nostalgia on seeing a box) that i have good memories of the game sorry. so we'll have to get that one for *us*.
this will be a good thing, because pretty much ALL other board games the kids like make me want to put something through my eye.
the boys just colluded to beat me at uno. by changing the color to "spiderman."
PPHONE [to lance]: one of our children is a little H-Y-P-E-R tonight. see if you can tell which one. BET: *screeeeeeeeech!* LANCE: [chuckle]
BET: curses. i wasn't expecting *that*.
shoot. i'm not sure my latest home improvement is...an improvement.
ACQUAINTANCE: it's a trite thing to say, but i'm sorry about your sister. ME: 'i'm sorry' is *never* trite. thank you.

From Twitter 05-11-2011

2011-05-13T14:32:00.002-05:00

we ran out of children's claritin yesterday AM; by noon, bet had puffy dark circles & narrow slits for eyes. right then! back on meds it is.
this thing? where one of my knees stops working if i sit down for 20 minutes? is getting to be a problem. #39goingon80
maybe i'm remembering my childhood wrong, but did...scholastic...ALWAYS sell comic books? #notthatheresanythingwrongwiththat
spotted on ebay: DRESS WITH SEQUENCE. can't see much detail in the photo. which sequence, do you think? fibonacci?
did not kill any kids before the babysitter showed up! *HIGH FIVE* good grief, i'm a lousy parent when i'm sick.
meanwhile, bet had a screaming meltdown at school yesterday. i opened his notebook today: had a meltdown AND kicked a classmate. #gulp
tomorrow: kicked a classmate AND set something on fire? ...i'm just wondering.

From Twitter 05-10-2011

2011-05-13T14:27:00.002-05:00

aleph would like some strawberries and whipped cream for breakfast. #oohlala
my kids are going to their non zionist preschool in head-to-toe blue & white today. happy passive aggressive yom haatzamaut!
yeah. um. the epipen that lives in aleph's classroom expired in JANUARY.
*hyperventilation break*
seriously, if anyone else had put my child's life in danger like this, due to sheer NEGLIGENT STUPIDITY, i would FIRE them. #somebodyfireme
aleph prefers his chocolate milk shaken. not stirred.
RT @abbybreitstein: of course. stirring bruises the milk.
LANCE: [hangs up phone] ALEPH: wait, wait! can you press 1 for more options?
oh hey, woman i used to get in "feeding problems aren't sensory unless it's autism" fights with now asking for...advice on feeding problem.
ha. no. i am not that stupid twice. ...okay, i'm not that stupid FIVE OR SIX times.
speaking of which, bet has made AWESOME progress with his feeding therapy; will graduate at age 5; and...still can't eat an orange segment.
i don't know, was that an unreasonable dream? for my kid to able to eat an orange?
Perspective: I Don't Remember If I Used To Have Any
is it weird that my kids share underpants, twitter? wait there's no WAY i'm sorting same-size underpants every single load don't answer that

From Twitter 05-09-2011

2011-05-10T03:22:00.001-05:00

*cough* aleph just opened a childproof medicine bottle.
an old medicine bottle, that we use to keep laundry quarters in. it's probably just...worn out, right?
forgot to take epipen with us to do laundry in basement. but hey, i checked when we got back & it just expired anyway. #safety #notdoingwell
we have a spare epipen which is still good, thank goodness, but i MUST remember to check the one at school tomorrow. MUST. REMEMBER.
purple, denim blue, dark green, & apple green: waiting for their debut in the morning. http://t.co/4GbLDPG via @twitpic

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From Twitter 05-08-2011

2011-05-09T03:15:00.002-05:00

BET: thank you for uh...i forgot what we're supposed to say thank you for. ABBA: mom stuff? BET: yeah! thanks for doing all the mom stuff.
finding mother's day even more bewildering this year than i ever did before. that's saying a lot, coming from an infertile woman.
old question: why would i need society to celebrate me for being a mother? why not the women who DON'T get a baby for all their sacrifices?
new question: why is anyone thanking me for being a mother? shouldn't i be the the one saying thank you for being ABLE to be a mother?
how about a day where anyone who is a mother - or has a mother - makes time to not take that for granted. i could go for THAT, hallmark.
at not even 5, my kids have perfectly mastered the tone of voice for yelling "FINE!" "what-EVER!" at each other.
i'd say my work here is done.
ALSO: made the mistake of telling aleph we got ice cream cake for their 1st birthday. "what's that?? can we have that? can you MAKE that?"
um, sure? i've never even MADE ice cream, much less layers + crunch + mold + icing, but hey, there's 3 whole weeks till your birthday! *cry*
incidentally, what IS the crunch in ice cream cake made of? not just crushed cookies. i'm confident. it tastes so much better than that.
DON'T TELL ALEPH, but i miss ice cream cake too. :(
soaked all of last week's dye out of my fingers, then promptly dyed them again. blue. in case you're wondering.
more importantly, today is Remembrance Day in israel. thinking of all the men & women who gave their lives to guarantee me a safe refuge.
my first niece enters the army, this summer.
heh. priorities. RT @onetiredema: Cookies? RT @abbybreitstein *bangs head on desk* *puts cookies in oven* *cries*
blue AND purple sets of tzitzit dyed today! only one color left.
also a purple cloth napkin. and some purple socks. and maybe a t-shirt, or so. #nosuchthingastoomuchpurple

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From Twitter 05-07-2011

2011-05-08T03:13:00.001-05:00

leftover blanched green beans. almost as irresistible to me as french fries.
shabbat guests A. were not put off by sick child B. brought blackberries, safe gift for allergic child. WE LIKE YOU. COME BACK SOON, Y'HEAR?
for my niece and nephew's sake, i am sort of hoping that mother's day is not A Thing, in israel. is it?

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From Twitter 05-06-2011

2011-05-07T03:14:00.001-05:00

no one seems to have the plague this morning. it's...some kind of trick, i'm thinking.
so i'm not really sick, today. i'm just in the "standing up! dude. whoa." phase.
i either need to somehow cook for shabbat while sitting down, or...not use any sharp utensils.
meanwhile, bet (who's trained, dammit!) somehow managed to have a poop accident on the outside- but NOT inside- of his pants. #poophoudini?
why i'm the cook: RT @awrightbrian As roast chicken skin adds unnecessary fat to my family's diet, I eat it as soon as it's out of the oven.
unforeseen etiquette questions! run into neighbor at grocery store who clearly has no idea your sister died. tell her in the produce aisle?
NOTE: i didn't, because we're not close and..i don't think on my feet. but if she hears from someone else, she's probably going to feel bad.
on the other OTHER hand, i can hear my friend rachel yelling at me to stop trying to care of other people instead of myself.
because yeah. real reason i didn't tell her in the produce aisle? it made ME uncomfortable. so i didn't. letting myself off the hook, now.
you know, i never peel potatoes for roasting, but the skins on these are so thick, they're making me worry i should. *frowns at potatoes*
i'd tell myself people come for the company, not the food, but since i'm still semi-out of it my company's not going to be so hot either. :/
*rice krispie treat break*
wow. aleph went back to school today, then ran around in the park, and now he looks like a very white dishrag. i know how you feel, kiddo.
hey, you want to know why IQ tests don't correlate with life success? i got a 730 on my math GREs. and half the time i mess up a 15% tip.
of course, there's also the possibility that i used to be smarter before i had children. i can still READ, though! see?
appears i've neglected to explain something important. ALEPH: eema, i have a funny surpriiiise! [pulls tiny plastic dog from his underpants]
no hiding things in underpants. no SURPRISES in underpants! who RAISED you, wolves??? oh.
yay! @ealvarezgibson singing cannibal's hymn RIGHT NOW on my itunes shuffle. http://ow.ly/4P8oU
this one goes out to my lunch guests tomorrow! ♫ if you're gonna dine with the cannibals / sooner or later darling you're gonna get eaten ♫
oh good lord. bet says he MIGHT feel like throwing up. time to prep paper towels for shabbat...
BET: you know what i feel like? you know what i *feel* like? EEMA: [looks wildly for bucket] what? what?? BET: i feel like watching a VIDEO.

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From Twitter 05-05-2011

2011-05-06T03:16:00.001-05:00

sick child still napping + healthy child waiting at school pickup + husband who works 5 min away = phew.
hasn't been bad today, either. aleph not throwing up - just out of it enough to uncharacteristically lie around on his back humming a lot.
very VERY uncharacteristically.
which matches my level of energy juuuuuust fine.
EEMA: i made my bat-cycle some wings. ALEPH: that was clever of you, eema.
*sigh* aleph's eye keeps watering for no good reason. yes, i know, it's got to be pinkeye. i said no GOOD reason.
today in sum: 1 kid recovering from stomach flu but coming down with pinkeye; 1 kid over pinkeye but...maybe coming down with stomach flu??;
pphone recovering from i don't know, peruvian potato plague?; aaaaaaaaand company coming for shabbat. *sob*
no one should be contagious by saturday but i don't know, would YOU want to come over to our house for a meal?
no? good, so i don't need to cook?
haven't had an @abbybreitstein sighting in at least 16 hours. no need to send search party - am setting out trail of trader joe's caramels.
RT @onetiredema I don't want to cook either. No illness. Unless "full of ennui" is an illness. // it is! and the only cure is MORE COWBELL.

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From Twitter 05-04-2011

2011-05-05T03:15:00.000-05:00

*low grade fever wave* hi.
these are the days when it's REALLY unfortunate that one of my children doesn't like videos.
kids have not yet caught on that i'm going to say yes to anything today. don't tell. as long as it doesn't require me to stand up.
more candy? can you reach it by yourself? then YES.
ok, i thought today was challenging, taking care of 2 healthy kids while i'm sick? aleph now down with stomach virus.
NO NO LET'S GO BACK TO JUST ME SICK. I LIKED IT. HONEST.
oh and by the way, aleph? thanks so much for coming to throw up in *our* room.
things we need and don't have: paper towels. things which now need re-washing: my clean laundry. things i've lost my appetite for: hot dogs.
yep. i think that about sums it up.

From Twitter 05-03-2011

2011-05-04T03:14:00.001-05:00

i'm wearing a particularly hurting-the-eyes combination of layering shirts today. there will be extra sunglasses, if you need them.
LADY to me, on seeing my kids sitting down on subway platform: [disgusted sound] the floor is *dirty*!
ohhhhhhhhhhh. good thing you TOLD ME.
call me crazy, but for some reason, i'm not really worried about my kids catching germs through the SEAT OF THEIR PANTS.
also got some choice head-shaking when i let my kids climb the side of the fountain at columbus circle. it's been a drive-by day. @devarim
twitter, why am i dizzy/seeing spots, today? i don't think i'm dehydrated. or low blood sugar.
there's 1 hr to go till bedtime & unless i figure out how to fix this, i'm going to spend it snapping at the kids ("stop ASKING me things!")
i pretty much told my kids i wasn't feeling well and to put themselves to bed. and...they did. i have kids old enough to do that. amazing.

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From Twitter 05-02-2011

2011-05-03T03:14:00.001-05:00

BET: [whispers] eema, your skin feels much better than abba's. but don't tell abba. it might hurt his feelings.
CONFIDENTIAL TO ABBA: personally, i *like* stubble
no judgment if you disagree, but yeah. i'm proud this is a jewish value. RT @devarim RT @efink: “Do Not Rejoice at the Fall of Your Enemy”
am getting a kick out of this, tho. RT @ealvarezgibson RT @TheThomason "Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?" Drops mic, walks away.
how long does a kid have to stay out of school with pinkeye, anyone? juuuuuuuuust asking.
i think it's allergies, not pinkeye, but not arguing with school until we see the dr. he needs SOMETHING, anyway. holy swollen eyes, batman!
can't help touching him, obvs, so resolved not to touch my eyes till we find out. NATURALLY, immediate followed by fierce urge to rub eyes.
can someone come over here and rub my eyes for me? thx.
OMG. NEVER BEEN SO GRATEFUL FOR GMAIL'S UNDO FUNCTION. it works, right? right???
i will not hit reply when i mean forward. i will not hit reply when i mean DM. i will not
urgh. school and i both win (or lose?). diagnosis: pinkeye caused by allergies.
the ped prescribed bet an extra bottle "in case you need it for [you know who.]"
in need of entertainment tonight? come on over. tonight we'll be showing scene 1 of The Child With Sensory Issues Gets Drops In His Eyes.
i suggest you don't sit in the front row. and maybe bring earplugs.
the thing about a rainbow-striped kippah is that you can put on a green shirt, orange tzitzit, and blue pants and...claim to match.
suddenly missing my sister hard. she's the one i would have called, and she would groan "pinkeye!" and then talk me down from my tree.
if you know me at all, you know there are few things i'm calm about as a mother. but those few things? i learned them from my little sister.
for the record, bet's first eye drops went as well as they possibly could. highly recommend the lie down / close eyes / inner corner method.
only minor screaming this time. i'm never sure who has more post-traumatic stress from bet's past aversive sensory experiences...him or me.
tonight's plan: either orange or dark green tzitzit. haven't decided yet.
eh? what about the sinkful of dishes waiting to be washed? oh! hahaha, don't worry about that, i'm using the BATHROOM sink.
Not Now, I'm Crafting
you know, i thought this was a MAGIC new dining table, but it generates crumbs and dirty dishes just like the old one.
i tried pointing my wand at it and saying BJURSTA! like it says in step 3, but you know how ikea instructions are.
3 sets of dark green tzitzit hung to dry. this is fun. i'm daydreaming about buying a clothes wringer, though.

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From Twitter 05-01-2011

2011-05-02T03:13:00.001-05:00

BET: eema, licorice is so yummy, i can't even STAND it.
finally redyed my unevenly faded bandana. not sure dye took; still too wet to tell. each hour i think OH NOES or OH WAIT looks like maybe?
brown. of course. so you can see there's a lot riding on this.
BET: eema, i love you so much. EEMA: awww, i love you too. BET: i wish i could sleep in your bed. EEMA: um.
the kids are almost done with their project to plaster the top of bet's dresser with stickers. i don't...RECALL authorizing this project.
homemade playdough in the fridge is starting to look...kind of appetizing. #needgroceries
using my new peeler for 1st time! never had a serrated one before. it does a LOVELY job peeling shreds off the sponge when i try to wash it.
ALEPH: come on bet, let's pillow fight the window! *THWACK*
arrrrgh. i think it is fair to say the dye did NOT take. still unevenly faded. now with EXTRA BLOTCHES.
i might try again in hot water instead of cold, if i get up the motivation again? in meantime, back to dying tzitzit, which i KNOW works.
presently: swishing apple green. unceasingly. except when i'm typing this. *swish*swish*
three sets of apple green tzitzit swished, rinsed and wrung: my hands are TIRED. and uh, maybe a little green-tinged.
no gloves! i can't wear gloves. ugh, the way they *feel* on my skin- what? no, i don't know WHERE these kids with sensory issues came from.
RT @miss_sarah_s: Speech delayed until 11:10 pm to make sure bin Laden is not just mostly dead.

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From Twitter 04-29-2011

2011-04-30T03:15:00.001-05:00

long, long, LONG-awaited speech re-evaluation for aleph today - with someone who is *determined* to get him services. i'm so excited.
not that that's a guarantee it will work. but if this doesn't work, NOTHING will.
*dreams of a future where strangers understand what aleph is saying the first time around*
*also, where he has any clue how to make conversation with peers*
*but let's not get greedy*
*even i don't know how to do that*
so listen, i just need someone to take care of a few things for me: 1. make a menu, 2. assemble new table, 3. delete ALL MY PHONE MESSAGES.
you can disassemble the old table too, while you're at it. should be easy. just pull that broken leg there and the whole thing should colla-
*DUST CLOUD*
*bursts out of dust cloud, holding a BJURSTA*
i'd love to live-tweet this assembly but i have to be, um, assembling instead. here's pretty much what you can expect: http://ow.ly/4JKcH
screwdriver callus WOOOO! #inappropriatepartay @Indigogirls @alittlepregnant
FYI: that last link was a rare [not that exciting] [but topical] reprint from In The Barren Season. http://ow.ly/4JNs0
i like dresses as much as the next girl, but i'm sorry: there is only one Princess Bride. #mawwaige
i think this might be the first time i've cooked shabbat since i left for israel...the first shabbat in march?
no, that can't be right. i think i've cooked parts of shabbat since i came back, but not the whole thing by myself.
using two of the recipes i copied from my sister's recipe book while i was there. it feels...good. in a gulp-ish sort of way.
shabbat shalom!

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in honor of our new BJURSTA

2011-04-29T09:34:00.002-05:00

...i bring you this blast from the ~~past~~ Barren Season:

Sunday, January 30, 2005
[on the way home from Ikea, Saturday night]

persephone: Are you sure you want to put that together tonight? With the kids having so much trouble sleeping?

brother in law: Oh please, there's no noise in this assembly. This is Ikea we're talking about.

persephone: It's gonna make noise when you have to throw things at the wall because nothing fits, won't it?

sister*: [giggling]

persephone: Hey, that must be why they give everything those names! In case you don't want to curse, you can just yell the name of the product instead. YOU STUPID FLUMVARK!!!

sister*: [laughing so hard she can't talk]

*yes, this was my little sister. you can tell by the laughing.

From Twitter 04-28-2011

2011-04-29T03:14:00.001-05:00

NO NO NOT THE PHONE i'm back! *shudder* RT @onetiredema: For her bday, @pphone DISAPPEARED from Teh Internets. Don't make us CALL you, girl.
BET: i've become kind of an expert on the spiderman theme song.
ALEPH: i never go near fire! well except when [sitter] got a tiny bit of fire on the floor but i only stepped on it for a second. #NewsToMe
pretty sure i just OD'd on fresh bagels. #chometzhangover
took a few hours to sink in that i was kindofa jerk to aleph at bedtime. he WAS being a pain, but because i'd been impatient with him first.
i'd like to make allowances for myself - he's emotionally high needs, i am emotionally overtaxed - but there's a line. i think i crossed it.
not very thrilled with myself right now. you're starting a new year, pphone; do it better.
thanks for making this day a little more bearable, twitter. good night.

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From Twitter 04-27-2011

2011-04-28T03:13:00.001-05:00

traditionally, my kids mark the end of pesach with All Carbs Day. worked their way through entire bag of bagels, so far. the day is young.
it's such a shame to move back into our nice clean home and mess it up.
snort. ALEPH: there's something i want to play with, but it's so clean in here, i don't know where it might be.
i don't really know how to process the fact that it's my birthday tomorrow.
weeping? laughing hysterically? alternating?
i vote we cancel the season and go home.
[asked if i want to go out to eat:] PPHONE: yeah, that, or maybe we could huddle in a corner and cry instead?
.@devarim: huddle in corner & cry....while eating sushi? PPHONE: yes! i can multitask.

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From Twitter 04-26-2011

2011-04-27T03:15:00.001-05:00

1 carpet colored on; 1 bed peed on twice; 1 fridge compressor blown out (i don't THINK we had anything to do with that one) #mykidswerehere
breaking my chometz-fast on: chocolate twizzlers! yum yum yum.

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From Twitter 04-24-2011

2011-04-25T03:15:00.001-05:00

baked potato topped with cream cheese and...lox? not sure if this is inspired or desperate. #matzahboycott #pesachdaysix
grandparents authorized me to buy afikomen presents. neglected to give me price cap. #MWAHAHA

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From Twitter 04-22-2011

2011-04-23T03:14:00.001-05:00

for the first time ever, aleph broke down on my lap because "it's really sad that i can't eat so many things other people are eating."
i'm so glad he's talking about it instead of being baby stoic, but ow. ow ow ow.
so far my personal NO MORE MATZAH EVER AGAIN EVER menu is working. yogurt, cheese, eggs, potatoes, avocado, fish & chicken heavily featured.
i miss a few things (like warm matzah brei with jam, mmmm) but it's not worth it. i might like matzah, but it VERY CLEARLY does not like me.
am going to have to make an exception for my MIL's matzah balls, though. #uhoh
forgot to mention: i accidentally dyed some eggs blue, right before passover. left on the same plate as homemade playdough. #easterbyosmosis
just told my MIL i think kids might have to hurt selves (a little!) before they listen about not running on stairs. best mom ever! Y/Y?
every time we visit here, we see someone who picked up colicky aleph at 5 mos & crooned to him, "they don't know how to take care of youuuu"
[NOT a family member.] [thank goodness.] i'm not sure i'm ever going to forgive her for that.
that's fair, right? i didn't kill her or anything.
PSA: it's never wise to tell a mom-of-baby-with-colic that he cries bec she's soothing him wrong. a) that is false. b) she might have a gun.
it still kills me to have to wake my kids up from a nap. never wake a sleeping baby [5-year-old], isn't that how it goes??
BET: you never let me watch videos as much as i want! [note: he watched 3+ hrs today.] EEMA: bet, i told you. no more talking about videos.
BET: i'm not talking about *videos*. i'm talking about how i *feel* about them.

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From Twitter 04-21-2011

2011-04-22T03:14:00.001-05:00

OMG. what did i do to deserve the wonder pets-fiddler on the roof episode? *ears bleeding*
just a quick thank Gd: aleph has had a zillion new products (pre-checked, but still) since pesach started, and zero allergic reactions.
it probably helps that you can't have hidden mustard in pesach products...unless you're sephardi. i guess also thank Gd we're not sephardi.

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From Twitter 04-20-2011

2011-04-21T03:14:00.001-05:00

ALEPH: your body's waterproof, right? water can't get through your body. *nothing* can get through your body. weeeeell, maybe a pickax.
FINALLY thought of an item of my sister's i want (and no one else will), and am almost positive it was given away years ago. gaaaaaaaaah.
can't even check until i get home after passover. would be very, very bad idea to get my hopes up.
it is odd, this wish to have a *thing* of hers. if no one had offered, i think it might never have occurred to me.
but not being there in person, not having any idea what there IS, even, that might carry emotional weight for me...it's stressing me out.
so this is a thing that would be HERE, not there, if we have it at all. which would solve a lot. let's hope. wait, NOT getting my hopes up.
ALEPH: [sings to self] life is my favorite, life is my favorite ZAIDY: [enters] you're eating grapefruit! that's one of my favorite things.
ALEPH: i bet not as much as being *alive*! okay, choose which is your favorite: having a lot of grapefruits in the house, or STAYING ALIVE.

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From Twitter 04-18-2011

2011-04-19T03:14:00.001-05:00

i apply this to all of pesach, actually. RT @abbybreitstein: Bedikas chametz + OCD = BAD BAD BADNESS
also bad: children with a sense of humor + pesach. ALEPH: [giggling] eema, we found a piece of chometz on the staaaaaaaaiiiiirs!
BET: eema guess what. all the bad guys are good and the good guys are bad. EEMA: whoa. really? BET: [whispers] in a PARALLEL WORLD.
today is the last day of shloshim for me (it should be a little longer, but pesach cuts it short). i'm not ready. not. not at all.
you know, i'm not doing so badly at getting things done when they need to get done, and only falling apart when i'm finished. but not today.
today, i think i should have nothing to do but sit, tell stories about my sister, & blow my nose. i'll do this pesach thing some other time.
i have no one to mark the end of shloshim with, but you. http://bikkurim.blogspot.com/2011/04/out-of-your-bones-well-pick-seven-and.html

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out of your bones we'll pick seven / and build a wind chime that sings to heaven

2011-04-18T17:28:00.009-05:00

Today was the last day. From now on I can wear new clothes, listen to music. From now on I won't fit into a box that even strangers understand: I'm in shloshim for my sister. From now on I...Gd, I don't want there to BE a 'from now on.' I'm not ready. I'm not ready to get up and start walking.

A, I've only begun to understand what it will be like to live in your absence. It's still the silly things that make me want to call you up, not the profound ones. Guess what - they're remaking Thundercats. You're never going to believe this, but I'm on youtube. And another thing about these glasses with tiny lenses you made me get: the last time I pushed them up, I poked myself in the eye! I hear your laugh in my head, the one that starts out like a grownup and winds up like Ernie. I can't believe you're not just out of sight, around a corner. I can't believe I won't hear or see you again.

It's been a privilege to talk about you this month, to say the things you'd never let me say to your face. How much I learned from you. How awed I am by the things you managed to do. How much light you brought into a room every time you entered it; how much joy you brought into our family, ever since you were born.

I can see, with the opened eyes of the bereaved, that you were something of an angel. But I'd trade that awfully-won knowledge anytime. I just want my human little sister back.

There is no ending to this. Only hard beginnings, over and over and over.

from Twitter 04-17-2011

2011-04-18T09:45:00.002-05:00

great. now having nightmares about my kids dying. WTF, subconscious? there's enough death in my waking life.
er. happy sunday to you, too? #sorry
BET: i'm hungry. EEMA: there's some grapes left from yesterday, do you want some? BET: [decidedly] no, i don't eat grapes from yesterday.
BET: help, batman! ALEPH: [sigh] nightwing, you're gonna have to figure this out for yourself. right now i need to focus on what i'm doing.

From Twitter 04-15-2011

2011-04-16T03:14:00.001-05:00

hate that they're learning it so young, but it's still beautiful to see my children figure out how to be menachem avel (comfort a mourner.)
BET [to grand-sabba]: i'm very sorry that grand-savta died. ALEPH [to grand-sabba]: i'm sorry you're sad about grand-savta.
praying this is the last shiva house they see for a long, long time.

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From Twitter 04-14-2011

2011-04-15T03:15:00.001-05:00

people, last night my father's mother died. i don't know what sick game this is, but uncle. UNCLE.

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From Twitter 04-13-2011

2011-04-14T03:14:00.001-05:00

they went through my sister's personal things today. i wasn't there. this is so. hard.
avoided making dinner dishes by not making dinner. am GENIUS.

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From Twitter 04-12-2011

2011-04-13T03:15:00.001-05:00

aleph's love of exploring new taste combinations is awesome but OCCASIONALLY stomach churning. breakfast = blueberry bagel + gefilte fish.
BET: hulk SMASH! with the power of SMASH!
argh. i want a thin fleece liner for MY raincoat, like the kids have. stuffing my thick sweater underneath is not working.
found another 45 chats with my sister - buried in old email account. these are even funnier. i might need to quote.
also found the 1st one saying something like "don't tell my brother in law." heh! he's probably reading these now too. hi, brother in law!!!
ack! my pasta overfloweth.
hahaha. l'oreal, hire this woman. RT @onetiredema: Cleaning my oven. Or, rather, my oven is cleaning itself. #becauseimworthit
OMG you guys, aleph got approved for a new speech evaluation. APPROVED. this has only been...1.5 years in the making?
no, longer, because we thought his speech impediment should have been treated way back in EI. they were like "he'll grow out of it!" uh huh.
except...eval is not until may, then we need a meeting to approve, then school's out until fall. i guess it'll be 2 years in making. *cry*
BET: let's play again! but this time the Egyptians are the good guys and the Jews are the bad guys. #passoverstorygonewrong #part4
well, it happened. aleph asked if it's getting warm enough to go to @RitasItalianIce. i said, "i have something pretty sad to tell you."
ALEPH: but *why* did they start serving peanut butter flavor? EEMA: guess they didn't realize it would make some kids sad. @RitasItalianIce
ALEPH: maybe someday i can open my *own* ice cream store. EEMA: [hug] that would be awesome. @RitasItalianIce
in the meantime? we are getting a damn ice cream maker. and making our own.

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From Twitter 04-11-2011

2011-04-12T03:14:00.001-05:00

dragging myself through this day. let's pretend it's physical exhaustion, not emotional.
it's not just big brother. http://bikkurim.blogspot.com/2011/04/big-sister.html
just resorted to bribing my kid with a video to go outside and play. pretty sure i'm doing this wrong.
...especially since it's not WORKING. come on, boy, it's 75 degrees out there. *sob*
oh super! he says we can go outside - he'll just stay here. THAT'S SO KIND OF YOU BUT YOU ARE FOUR YEARS OLD.
i don't want anything i have in the house for dinner. fix this for me, twitter.

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big sister

2011-04-11T11:37:00.014-05:00

It's clichéd, I know, but I can't get over how much technology has changed the character of one of the oldest experiences in the world: grieving.

Let's leave aside the fact that every one of the friends mentioned here is a friend I made online. My family was so surprised to find that my bewilderingly virtual relationships translate into real - and really nice! - people. But that's not unique to this situation; blogfriends have been my salvation since my infertile years, or even before.

Photos shared online, videochats, spreading the word by email or facebook instead of phone tree: again, I think we're familiar with the benefits of these, without needing to tie them to loss or mourning.

But here's a new one: I never would have dreamed our eulogies for my sister would be online...or that I'd be more glad than embarrassed. It wasn't planned in advance, I don't think, but it made perfect sense: by the time our family in America emerged from Shabbat, we had already buried my sister. I can't imagine the unreality and disbelief of hearing that. They wanted - needed - a way to experience the funeral in realtime, as much as we did.

Much later, I discovered another. Because of the awful difference in time zones, my sister and I didn't try to talk on the phone much. (Yes, okay, I hate the phone even in this country, but phone phobia AND time zones? Dude, I give up.) We IMed instead; often when I was supposed to be sleeping or she was, trying not to wake our spouses with the glare of the screen or the clicking of keys. And because of that, I have records of conversations going back...years. Not even anything as coherent as you'd put in a letter, just chats, in the true sense of the word: random, rambly, hilarious. Things we might have said while hanging out on the couch at 1 AM, and never remembered in the morning.

It's not enough. It doesn't replace being able to actually hang out on her couch. It didn't make her any less far away. I'm still struggling with the fact that we lived on two different continents, with a wide, wide ocean in between.

But I think of how different it all would have been, before we discovered we could live online, too. I can't imagine.

From Twitter 04-10-2011

2011-04-11T03:15:00.002-05:00

people of earth, WHERE are you hiding the chocolate licorice!
while i was away, lance & family have been working overtime on finding nut free facility / kosher for pesach food. they're amazing.
i really need to publish the results.
dear baby nephews: you're going to have to buy your own pants in 5T. the kids have absolutely shredded ours. sorry.
also, aleph's shoes? are only attached to their soles from about...midway back.
will they stay together long enough get us to the shoe store at 11 AM? stay tuned.
i should possibly be embarrassed that i won't consider taking both kids shoe-shopping by myself, but...i'm not. the end. family outing!
i will just remind you of Last Time: The Lying Down On The Floor And The Screaming.
no, it was not *me* lying down in the store and screaming! i didn't do that until we got home.
i...really don't want to know. ALEPH [to bet]: it's your last chance to come in the poopermajigger! then you can poop *forever*.
omg, my kids are snuggling under the same blanket. I NEVER THOUGHT THIS MOMENT OF CUTENESS WOULD ARRIVE.
a friend with twins told me, when mine were babies, "you'll see, one day they'll be hugging and curling up for naps together!" hahahaha no.
my sisters & i weren't all close, growing up, but *very* tight as adults. can only hope same for my boys. twinhood doesn't make it a given.
cannot keep bet in underpants today, no matter how i try. he's teflon.
ALEPH: what you're doing is bothering me. BET: what you're doing is bothering *me*. ALEPH: we're telling eema on *each other*.
um, hi. i am an idiot. lance had to go out tonight; i didn't want to be alone. ordered my favorite fast food to console myself.
forgot i was ordering from...the place my sister & i always used to go out to eat together. now i'm alone AND sniffling.

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From Twitter 04-08-2011

2011-04-09T03:14:00.001-05:00

heh heh heh. COFFEE YOGURTS IN MY FRIDGE: thirty two. COFFEE YOGURTS AT SUPERMARKET: zero.
*sigh* model seder has been on the calendar all week. phone call, minutes before it starts: "oh wait, is this matzah safe for aleph?"
i mean, probably i should have figured this out in advance, too, but i have been a LITTLE DISTRACTED.
i don't think i mentioned, we won our fight to get aleph a shadow for food allergies next year (hurray!) #1 responsibility she's probably...
...not expecting: sit down with teacher+calendar & make list of food issues IN ADVANCE. beg of month'd be nice. i'd settle for beg of WEEK.
hey, maybe we can get her to make all the school-related "is this made in a nut free facility" phone calls, too! OMG LANCE WILL BE SO HAPPY.
(he's the phone call person in this marriage. i'm the email person.) (...i assume this goes without saying.)
today's "why do i have a headache AGAIN?" solves to: i haven't had anything to drink. and it's noon.
friend asking me what i need on friday afternoon. so tempted to ask if she can come for shabbat, except...i know she'll feel bad saying no.
Taking Advantage of Your Friends: Where Is The Line
for all those waiting (anyone? no?), after OT to strengthen his shoulders, aleph is...a righty. turns out he was switching bec he got tired!
therapy is...i am amazed. all the time. thank you, board of ed.
BET: stop! you're bothering me! ALEPH: you never let me do anything i want! BET: everything you want to do *bothers me!* #twins #specialbond
my whole family went to my sister's gravesite this morning. without me. i am so far way.
since january, i've been trying to be in two places at once: head one place, heart another. it doesn't work. and i wonder when it will stop.
the truth is, we're ALL equally far away from her. just...doesn't feel like it right now.
*crying break* *back later*
[thunderous crash from kitchen] BET: [keeps watching video]
BET [to aleph]: can i tell you something? i'm your sidekick.
[NOTE: i think that is debatable]
against strong custom, we asked everyone NOT to bring food to my shiva, as we can't serve it to aleph. we promised him home is a safe zone.
friend of family- who watched my sister grow up- must not have heard. she brought me potato kugel. because "A always loved my potato kugel."
it's almost gone. i've been eating it (feeling a little like sookie stackhouse) after aleph goes to sleep all week. sometimes, food IS love.
hey, everyone, thanks for sticking out my extreme mood swings. it's going to take me a while, but you are helping.
shabbat shalom.

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From Twitter 04-07-2011

2011-04-08T03:14:00.002-05:00

OOOH. just discovered the dye-mixing formula page. sooooooo maaaaaaany violet-bluuuuues.
i wonder if i can get dyeable pre-tied bandanas? would love to make some custom colors for ME.
fresh strawberries AND blackberries in my cereal. decadence.
don't mess with us on passover! RT @abbybreitstein: on hold with playmobil. THERE WILL BE MITZRIM IF I HAVE TO GO TO EGYPT MYSELF & GET THEM
ALEPH: [to his occupational therapist] you know what i like to do? i like to crash into things. EEMA: [NODDING FRANTICALLY IN BACKGROUND]
for future reference, persephone, STOP after the second hot dog. #ow
aleph apparently bored of saying "ahhhh" while his teeth are brushed. singing scales instead.
all right, children. i am not ACCUSING you of anything, i'm just saying, we're missing half your lunch containers. *stares expectantly*

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the other kind of nuts

2011-04-07T09:45:00.018-05:00

I've been too distracted to cover the peanut insanity in Florida, so I'm glad that Breeding Imperfection is doing such a compassionate and wise job of it. As she does everything.

I'll just pause to blow off a LITTLE steam...

"You can't take peanut butter and jelly away or any right away from my child. You can't do that." Yeah. This is America! We have certain inalienable rights, and among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of peanut butter jelly sandwiches.

"On average, it's probably taking a good 30 minutes out of the day. That's my child's education." Wow. Do you think there could possibly be too much hand-washing in your kid's elementary school? I just...do they not have flu season in Florida?? Maybe not. It's warmer there.

...before returning you to the point I tried to make in my earlier post. Life-threatening food allergy is a disability, under the law. As with any other physical disability, ~~you cannot demand they be home-schooled~~ accommodating it in the classroom might require some compromises for the other children. You might have fewer stalls in the bathroom, if you need to fit in a wheelchair-size one. You might lose some garden space if you need to build a ramp. Etc.

But if you believe in the Americans with Disabilities Act at all, hopefully you don't believe this is just a special interest group looking out for itself. Hopefully you believe we all - kids, adults, everyone - stand to gain more than we lose, from living in a society with equal access for the disabled.

In less offensive, but equally depressing news, Rita's Water Ice has been sending me weekly announcements*: HAPPINESS IS OUR NEW CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER ICE. That's...not the word I'd choose for it. How about "How do I break it to my 4-year-old that I know he was so happy last summer when we finally found one place he can go out for ice cream like everyone else, but...now he can't anymore" Is Your New Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice?

Not as catchy. Yeah. I know.

*"click here to unsubscribe." CLICKKKKKKKKKING

From Twitter 04-06-2011

2011-04-07T03:15:00.003-05:00

BET: i found my missing kippah! it was under my crib! CLASSMATE: you still sleep in a *crib*? BET: [proudly] yup!
IT'S NOT A CRIB IT'S A CONVERTED TODDLER BED. NOT A CRIB. OH I GIVE UP #MARKETINGFAIL
ALEPH: [leaps into kitchen, brandishing swords] *i'll* take care of the woman! BET: [whispering] make sure she doesn't see you!
oh Gd, it's reply-to-condolence-email day. i can do this. i don't want to do this, but i can do this.
DEFINITELY not ready to tackle reply-to-condolence-phone-call day.
eight in a row. EIGHT. need anti-hyperventilatory break.
three to go.
wait, no, five.
counting is not helping with the anti-hyperventilating. who wants to change topic TODAY!
when will i stop hitting DM instead of reply? WHEN.
did i tell you the other day i accidentally hit "mark all as read" on my husband's email account?
I AM SO LUCKY HE LOVES ME.
to clarify: i'm glad to hear condolence replies are optional, but i'm not balking because of the amount of work. just facing the emotions.
which, possibly, means i'm not quite ready to be doing this. NONETHELESS. i already started; probably feel better if i just get through it.
RT @tmbg: Studio conversation has been reduced to giggling over the expression "throwing it up on the web"
only one email left. REWARD: let's see let's seeeeeeeeeeeee #COFFEEYOGURT
ALEPH: it's just, like [SOB] really *upsetting* for me [SOB] when you don't do what i *want*
raisin in the lego bin! okay. no problem. #munchmunch
TO CLARIFY ONCE AGAIN: if i emailed you today and you are reading about it here too? you are one of the people i LOVED responding to.
it's a very select group here, people. *mutual back pats all round*
now for something completely different! dyeing new bunch of tzitzit. already have purple, orange, denim blue, drk green; need 3 more colors.
no red or yellow. don't argue with me on this. :) choose from: navy, 'evening' blue (?), aqua, teal, kelly green, apple green, or brown.
from website: "Evening Blue is a lighter, green-based blue." oooohkay then! hope that helps.
i would have liked olive. why is there no olive? phooey.
okay i'm ruling out brown, because brown strings peeking out from clothes just...does not appeal.
and teal totally depends on the shade. i might love it or hate it.
so: navy, aqua, kelly green, apple green and i need to eliminate ONE and i like the sound of ALL.
*twiddles thumbs* *waits for @abbybreitstein to wake up*

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From Twitter 04-05-2011

2011-04-06T03:13:00.001-05:00

COFFEE YOGURTS TEN FOR SIX DOLLARS YESSSS.
i bought twenty.
you think i'm joking.
i would go back and get the rest but i feel like i should leave some for my fellow addicts. at least the ones i'm friends with.
is..is that...a dress i wouldn't have to wear a shirt under?? http://ow.ly/4tyoK *cue holy grail music*
if only it would go on sale. and be less boring.
note i apparently need to start leaving for babysitters: "please don't use scotch tape on painted walls." ??
maybe i'll just get the kids to tell them. might come off less snarky.
so, it's been years since had a working scanner but suddenly i have 90 photos of my sister that i feel must be digitized NOW. give or take.
also i need to see everyone else in the family's photos.
can't tell if this is just missing her, or being afraid that someday, i'll stumble on one i've never seen unexpectedly & it will hurt worse.
but it's been astonishing, looking back. a chunky toddler who grew up to be a waif; a plain child who grew up to be radiant. yes, even sick.
at any rate. it appears i'm going to need an intern for this project. can 5 year olds operate a scanner, do you think?
oh oh oh my BIL suggested i look up old gmail chats with my sister, now i'm crying for real. must stop. at least till kids are sleeping.
FEEL FREE TO CHANGE TOPIC.
wow, am i dense. JUST figured out reason aleph & i have been snapping at each other for last 10 minutes is hypoglycemia. on both our parts.
permission to open a third coffee yogurt, SIR!

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From Twitter 04-04-2011

2011-04-05T03:16:00.003-05:00

i'm guest posting at http://onetiredema.wordpress.com/ today.
make sure you see my post at OneTiredEma today http://ow.ly/4sGeF, @ealvarezgibson @devarim @amaltman and the blogger who remains nameless.
just dialed my sister's number for the first time knowing that she won't be there. can we just...get all these firsts over with? they hurt.
among other things that happened while i was gone: aleph started coloring with enough confidence to do it BY HIMSELF.
i think this is the first thing he has liked to do by himself...ever.
i'm still kind of in shock. i thought we might not see self-entertainment from this child until he learned to read, and maybe not then.
broke out my precious crayola 64 yesterday; he was sure some of the colors would have to repeat. PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN, MY CHILD.
dried blueberry in the train track bin. okay. that's fine. #itskosherforpesach
um. shabbat guests during shloshim? how about playdates? playdates which are really for eema?? have no idea what i'm doing. must find book.
*we now pause for @ealvarezgibson to look up 'shloshim' *
other things you missed while i was gone: The Passover Story Gone Wrong, a story in three parts. ...so far.
PART I: egyptian playmobil set arrives [thanks uberimma!] BET: ok, this one is pharoah...this one is moshe...which one's supposed to be Gd?
[NB: in fine judeo-christian tradition, he chooses the one with the beard.]
PART II, after re-enacting the jews going through the red sea. EEMA: so now where are pharoah & his men going? BET: to get the spaceship!
after my media blackout, was incredulously happy to stumble on my favorite author writing about my other favorite author. http://ow.ly/4tbh7
it took me a while to realize it was a eulogy. too many losses. go in peace, diana wynne jones.

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From Twitter 04-01-2011

2011-04-02T03:14:00.002-05:00

package of fun from @abbybreitstein. another package of fun from @ealvarezgibson & @TheGibsonLad. my boys are very, very lucky...as am i.
cried when i took off my torn shirt today, marking end of shiva. cried when i unpacked the book i was reading at her bedside when she died.
it's so hard to accept that it's over.

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From Twitter 03-31-2011

2011-04-01T03:23:00.001-05:00

unspeakably grateful to tuck my children in for the first time in three weeks. and crying for my sister, who will never tuck hers in again.

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2011-03-27T02:25:00.000-05:00

She's gone.

No more words.

From Twitter 03-24-2011

2011-03-25T03:13:00.001-05:00

the best thing about video chat is i can cry all over my husband's shoulder even when he's 5,000 miles away.

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From Twitter 03-16-2011

2011-03-17T03:14:00.001-05:00

LANCE: what do you miss most about eema? BET: that she's not HERE. [duh.]

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From Twitter 03-15-2011

2011-03-16T03:14:00.001-05:00

my sister's project, inspired by my other sister: http://ow.ly/4eMHR let us know if you can help, and please spread the word.

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From Twitter 03-12-2011

2011-03-13T03:13:00.001-05:00

thanks, everyone. when i don't have a lot of words left, hearing yours helps.

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i can't do this anymore

2011-03-09T09:54:00.004-05:00

I'm flying to Israel to be with my little sister, for however long we have left.

I have not written about this since her cancer spread, out of respect for her family's privacy. And I don't plan to get into detail now.

But I'm struggling with the idea that this should be private, now. I don't want the world to go about its business, unaware that this grievous wrong is taking place. This is so wrong. This is so unfair. This is a loss for the entire world, whether you know it or not.

I want you all to stop and take notice. I want you to grieve too.

I am so angry.

From Twitter 03-08-2011

2011-03-09T03:15:00.001-05:00

thank you, con edison! that was the most painless blackout EVER.
oh hello, nice cold contents of fridge! i'm so happy to see you.
um, con edison, why are your emergency trucks still here? #youremakingmenervous
let myself get too tired to put the kids to sleep. classic blunder.
BET: eema, we gotta figure this out or i'll whine. and i KNOW you don't want me to whine.

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From Twitter 03-07-2011

2011-03-08T03:14:00.001-05:00

lost mind. please return by trackable method.
tandem coughing again? didn't i just get one of these children OFF prednisone??
also, how did i get roped into making construction paper MISSILES? #badcraftiness
ALEPH: the world will *condemn* you! EEMA: do you know what condemn means? ALEPH: uh...it's something bad.
When Children Learn All Their Vocabulary From Superhero Cartoons: A Cautionary Tale
i keep thinking this headache is hypoglycemia and trying to cure it with sugar. i think it's time to admit it is NOT WORKING.
walked out of kids' room at bedtime with one child still crying. wow. haven't had to do that in...years.
since they were in cribs, actually. wonder if he'll stay in now that there's nothing keeping him in.
i die. RT @ealvarezgibson: LAD: Is that a hair-hat? FRIEND: It's a wig. LAD: What's a wig? FRIEND+ME, IN DEFEATED UNISON: It's...a hair-hat.
uh oh. power outage and LOUD boom outside. it is not raining.
fire engines further up the block, i think. well, this is not good, but does not APPEAR to be the apocalypse.
all the cordless phones are out, obviously, and my cell is out of juice. THIS IS WHY YOU WANT ONE PHONE WITH A CORD, PEOPLE.
i am trying not to think about breakfast without cheese. or milk. or a toaster. let's just focus on how we are not being BOMBED for a while.
huh. that sounds like con ed leaving, and yet...still no lights.
um, hey guys? you're coming back, right?
1:05 left on my laptop battery. for the foreseeable future. if you've got anything to tell me, say it now. :)

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From Twitter 03-06-2011

2011-03-07T03:13:00.001-05:00

bet cried - literally - when asked to get out of hanna andersson pjs this morning. "but i feel so GOOD in these pajamas." #freeadvertising
something about this horrible stomachache is demanding homemade oven fries.
i think it's because if i'm going to eat, it better be something i really, REALLY like. #ouch
my poor decision making, let me show you it.
ALEPH: we can't fight for real, but we can TANGLE.

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From Twitter 03-05-2011

2011-03-06T03:13:00.002-05:00

BET [with big smile, to grandparents, clearly expecting praise]: i don't WANT to kiss you good night, but i'm going to anyway!
we've been stressing the importance of telling the truth; might have overdone it? BET [to grandmother]: some of your teeth are yellow!
been invited to practice my driving for the first time in...4 years? the rest of you stay off the road, is my suggestion.
can't decide if i'm Weepy or Cranky. should probably just go with Need Chocolate.
dear parents, 1. i'm used to my toaster at home with the timer 2. i didn't ACTUALLY set your house on fire
3. that's all we need to say about that, right? 4. right?
(THIS VISIT IS GOING AWFULLY WELL)

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From Twitter 03-04-2011

2011-03-05T03:25:00.001-05:00

oh hello, relative currently cleaning out an almond milk smoothie WITH YOUR TONGUE AND FINGERS. #thisismyaneurysmface
sure! you can touch aleph again in ONE MILLION YEARS
4pm on a friday and i'm still advocating my brains out. seriously. i am out of brains.
actually, i'm giving myself one break: we asked for an additional therapy for bet, but were told "he's doing too well. we can't justify it."
i tend to think he's doing well because it's MARCH & routine is familiar & we'll be back to square 1 when it's all new again in september...
...but you know what? for once, i'm going to say "that's really nice to hear", sit back and enjoy it.
my child is doing too well for that therapy! huzzah.
4 pm on a friday: also not the best time to realize my travel agent never called me back.
note to the interested: stokke chairs we bought secondhand re-sold LIKE LIGHTNING. and i think we made every penny we spent back.
i know, i said we'd keep them forever (they hold up to 300 lbs) but then the kids discovered how to use them as jungle gyms. the end.
wow. same brands of pants & shoes we bought last winter - this year, holes in all the knees, and parts of the soles breaking off.
good thing it's almost spring?
i might be wondering if they used cheaper materials this year, but pants AND shoes? i'm going to say it's the kids, not the clothes.
ARGH NO THAT SHIRT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO GO IN THE DRYER

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From Twitter 03-03-2011

2011-03-04T03:13:00.001-05:00

people, my husband just offered to make my PTA phone calls for me.
i'm sorry, i'm sure your husband is awesome but he CANNOT POSSIBLY BE MORE AWESOME THAN MINE.
i'm out of coffee yogurt. so is the store. *cry* maybe i'll break into my friend's house and see if she has any.
see, when you first decide to try 3 a day instead of 2, you don't think about the fact that you're going to run out of them A LOT FASTER
this is how crack addicts turn to crime, isn't it? I AM FINE, TWITTER, I CAN STOP ANYTIME
*shake*
a thing you don't want to hear at the start of an express-59th-to-125th-street ride: "eema, i feel like i need to throw up."
BET: wanna see my trick? [puts laden spoon into mouth; takes out empty spoon] FEEDING THERAPIST: wow! it's magic! BET: no. it's *science*.
i like the way you think, woman. RT @annsy5: Ooh, you should keep coffee ICE CREAM on hand for a backup. >:)

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From Twitter 03-02-2011

2011-03-03T03:15:00.002-05:00

LADY AT ELEVATOR: you only have one set of twins, right? PPHONE: yeah. LADY NEXT TO HER: "only?!"
SECOND LADY THINKING: [one set sounds like PLENTY to me] PPHONE THINKING: [i mean, i do have a spare set in case i lose this one]
FIRST LADY: welllllll, a lot of my friends with twins, if they get pregnant again it's another set of twins! because it runs in the family!
PPHONE THINKING: [ohhhh honey, that's not why]
i am all about the oversharing, but even i draw the line at explaining infertility to strangers at the elevator.
new season. trying to find non-skull-theme boys' clothing still like a monty python routine.
"Have you got anything without skulls?" Well, there's skulls flames peace signs and skulls, that's not got much skulls on it."
yesterday was a 3-coffee-yogurt day, and i am seriously tempted to do it again today.
possibly i should start DRINKING my caffeine like normal people do.
did i tell you how i found out an acquaintance is a dannon coffee yogurt junkie, too?
met her at supermarket checkout, where she turned to her husband & said "THAT'S why there are none left. persephone got the last case."
"they were all out of them yesterday", she said, with the wild look in her eye people like us get. "I KNOW", i said.
i tried to talk her into taking half of the case. she would only take 1. now i know who to order in bulk with, though.
a purim one, this time? yes please! RT @maccabeats: It's about time we release a new video, what do you think?
campaign to get Raising WEG on twitter: http://ow.ly/46v0D
wow. reward for keeping Nice Jewish Girl on my feed reader: her first new post in 3 years. http://ow.ly/46vel
ALEPH: this is tiger resting time. after tiger class, you rest.
ALEPH: i'm so tired i don't want to move. EEMA: ok. want to get a book to look at while you rest? ALEPH: no, i'd have to move to get a book.
child, you are sitting on my tweeting arm.
i'd just like to say that i have BROKEN the kids' no bath for __ days streak.
details have been omitted to protect the guilty.
related: i can neither confirm nor deny that aleph's teacher told him he'd get a prize next time he came in without dirty fingernails.
[I AM STILL CRINGING ABOUT THAT]
Hygiene: We're Working On It

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From Twitter 03-01-2011

2011-03-02T03:16:00.001-05:00

omg, i just spent 3 hours sorting and i still cannot find the ONE PIECE OF PAPER I WAS LOOKING FOR.
i can find things from 2003; why can't i find something that came 2 weeks ago??
you're thinking "because your filing system didn't suck back then." yeah. i hear you.
so, i guess when @alittlepregnant said "you" she meant me. http://bikkurim.blogspot.com/2011/03/failure-of-empathy.html
i slept one (1) hour last night. let's see if there's any noticeable drop in my level of functionpstfbzng.
well, i'm functioning, but my *sanity* might be compromised. just moved a wardrobe from one end of the apt to the other. by, uh, pushing it.
ok, now all i have to do is rearrange the bedroom where the wardrobe used to be. before lance gets home & needs to sleep. heh. #badplanning
you might want to avert your eyes. some of these stunts should not be attempted by...me.
uh oh. phone ringing. penned myself in with furniture.
so, it might not SEEM like a net gain to fill space vacated by wardrobe with a pile of junk, but see. now it's a pile of junk IN THE CORNER.
meaning i am NO LONGER GOING TO TRIP ON IT. #highfive
cannot even tell you how vastly entertained aleph is by rearranged furniture.
he wants to know if we can do this EVERY day. let's not and say we did, mmmkay?

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what we have here is a failure to empathize

2011-03-01T09:17:00.008-05:00

Oh hey, you want to talk can't-vs.-won't and asshole parenting?

Dressing oneself has been a long-standing challenge for both my kids, but especially for Aleph. I think independence scares him in general; he's afraid that if he can do it by himself, I'll decide he doesn't need me anymore and abandon him, blah blah insecure attachment mother guilt blah blah blah.

In any case, Bet recently - FINALLY! - started putting on his own shirt and Aleph is jealous of the fuss we made over it, but unwilling to do what it takes to earn his own fuss, namely put on his own shirt too.

Today he says, amid sobs, that putting his head through the shirt is too scary.

Ok, that's pretty specific. I can work with specific. Maybe he's afraid he'll get stuck? He has a gigantic head; it does happen once in a while. I tell him this shirt has an extra big neck, that's why I thought it would be good to practice on.

"That's not why it's scary, Eema," he chokes out. "It's too dark in there."

It's too dark.

Inside the shirt.

And this is where I thank my stars he's too young to know 'Eema's voice is shaking a little' = 'Eema is trying SO.HARD.NOT TO LAUGH IN YOUR FACE.'

I made him do it anyway, giving him a hug between each step. Can they tell when it's sarcastic hugging? I have a lot of practice with that by now; maybe I'm getting away with it.

From Twitter 02-28-2011

2011-03-01T03:16:00.001-05:00

just answered 9 million questions about kids at board of ed meeting. thing i'm REALLY glad no one asked: when was last time they had a bath?
[ANSWER: I DON'T REMEMBER]
board of ed lady described aleph repeatedly as "fragile"...then said he reminded her of me.
oh yeah? YOU WANNA GO, LADY? RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW? i'll show you FRAGILE.
as always, struggling with relief at knowledge that someone else will help him, and sadness that someone else agrees he needs it.
this is what happens when 2 people really hate the phone. RT @amaltman: In keeping with tradition, I'm tweeting you to check your facebook.

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From Twitter 02-27-2011

2011-02-28T03:15:00.000-05:00

45 salmon patties. 1 frying pan. so glad i have internet access in the kitchen.
told bet (for 3rd time) there is NO RUNNING IN THE KITCHEN. he switched to jumping up & down instead.
p.s. there is a trampoline in the next room. I AM JUST SAYING.
lance took them out to buy birthday balloons for my mother and OMG, i hope he makes them run relay races home. #somuchenergy#solittlespace
oh. also, my mother might appreciate it if i changed out of my...let's call it LOUNGEWEAR before she shows up. #sunday #pajamas #4pm
there! LET'S JUST PRETEND i've been wearing these clothes since MORNING.

From Twitter 02-26-2011

2011-02-27T03:15:00.000-05:00

escapist literature, i don't know what i'd do without you.
works better than a chocolate milk box, FYI. at least if you're over 5 years old.
BET: don't make me angry. [pause] LANCE: [prompting] you wouldn't... BET: like me when i'm angry.
BET: [does Hulk breathing, arm movements] [spoils effect by turning his head to watch himself in mirror]
twitter, what do you do for your mother's birthday if she doesn't like cake??

From Twitter 02-25-2011

2011-02-26T03:51:00.001-05:00

this chocolate milk box will make it all better. right?

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From Twitter 02-24-2011

2011-02-25T03:15:00.001-05:00

i AM very good at flying with candy. RT @onetiredema: I have a new career path for @pphone...it involves Tootsie Rolls products & airplanes.
ALEPH: [runs past doorway] BAT! MAN! i need a little HELP here!!
jet lag: It's What's For Dinner.
i arranged bet's strawberry slices to look like a flower. ALEPH: can you make mine look like a gun?
ALEPH: or like a daled! a daled is the shape of a gun. #nicetry,kid #stillno
designing new pin for self. it says "I Will Still Listen If You Say That Without Screaming."
"(...I Think.)"

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From Twitter 02-19-2011

2011-02-20T03:16:00.001-05:00

forgot to tell y'all before i left: aleph wants to know if i can get him a satellite for his birthday.
we googled it. they start at 200 billion.
in other news, my relatives heard i was coming and made many things with mustard and I HAVE EATEN ALL OF THEM.
MUSTARD #itswhatsfordinner

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From Twitter 02-17-2011

2011-02-18T03:19:00.001-05:00

NEW BABYSITTER [to my kids]: you know what book you guys remind me of? where the wild things are.
holy cow. newark airport has fresh, amazing looking, kosher (star-k) sandwiches?
i cannot justify eating a gourmet chicken sandwich at 10 AM. so i am going to wait until TWELVE.
don't all buy up the sandwiches before i get there!!! wait! i don't know what sandwiches you're referring to! *deletes last three tweets*
so, you're saying in order to fly somewhere, i need to get ON the plane?
but i didn't get to videochat with my husband from the gate this time! boo.
1. technology cannot let you call someone who is not there 2. i do not have my own wings #hardtruths

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From Twitter 02-16-2011

2011-02-17T03:15:00.001-05:00

RT @maureenjohnson: GOOD MORNING! FREE HIGH FIVES! *runs around internet, giving high fives* #morning
trying to pack for 60s / 70s, but my brain refuses to process. "really? aren't you going to be cold in that? really?"
RT @ealvarezgibson: Then there is my brain. Which marveled that you were packing for time travel." / ha! i'd LOVE to pack for the 1960s/70s.
so, someone from CSE just told us that a child cannot have both an IEP and a 504. anyone know if this is true???
*must google* * have no time to google*
*you know things are dire when i have no time to google*
oy vey. i googled. it is...COMPLICATED. http://ow.ly/3XLHj
zomg, SO MANY HOOPS to jump through to get kids' therapies set up for next year. and we keep finding out we jumped them IN THE WRONG ORDER.
er, is facebook down for everyone, or just me?
yes. yes, i am bringing a chandelier to israel. BUT JUST THIS ONE TIME.
oh, it's not for me! *pffft* i can go 7 days without a chandelier, no problem.
oh shoot! i forgot to leave room for my coffee yogurts! THING I CANNOT GO 7 DAYS WITHOUT: COFFEE YOGURT
and also supposed to fit in a doll for my niece? ack. i need an elephant to sit on this suitcase OH WAIT STOP THERE'S A CHANDELIER IN THERE

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