I've been angry this time of year for...a long time, it seems like. Irrationally so; I don't believe what happens to people, in this world, bears any relationship to what they deserve. I don't believe anymore that we could have prayed harder, or done more good deeds, or been more repentant of heart, and 'averted the evil decree.' I just don't believe Gd intervenes in the natural course of events in one person's life on that level.
I don't believe U'netaneh Tokef means what I was taught it means. And even if it does, I don't believe it's the be-all and end-all of theology.
But I've been angry at Gd, nonetheless. Because I don't believe the people I love deserve what happened to them - and, apparently, I hold that against Him.
It occurred to me recently that if I'm going to blame Him for the bad stuff, I really have to give Him credit for the good stuff, too.
This year has been undeniably good to the four of us. I found a job just when we needed it most - and just when, for the first time in four years, I felt my children were in safe enough hands at school that I could work. Bet had such a restorative experience at his new school, people can't believe he's the same child. More often than not, now, he comes across as happy and secure. He has real friends. He will still have social cognitive challenges, but I have hope he will meet them with puzzlement or curiosity, not anger or fear. Aleph made friends for the first time without adult help, this year. And lived through another year with only minor allergic reactions.
My relationship with Lance is its own blessing.
I am grateful for all this - and for the chance not to go through this season with anger foremost in my heart.
Wishing you all a peaceful, restorative year.