Monday, January 9, 2012

rubicon

I had my own Amalah moment last Friday. On the subway, carrying a letter to the DOE proving Bet is now a danger to himself and others without 1:1 supervision, I...froze.

I'm the one who asked for this letter; in fact it was composed right in front of me. "Are you sure this is okay? I can change any of it," the preschool director wrung her hands, typing the phrase violent tendencies. I turned my own hands up, helplessly. "Be careful not to make it sound worse than it is," my mother fretted to me on the phone the night before. "What if they...I don't know, send him to juvenile court?"

He's a goodhearted little boy and he's not going to be that difficult to help and no, I don't want it to sound worse than it is. But I can't allow it to get any worse than it is. He almost did something terrifying last week, and I am not waiting until he actually does.

And yet. You know this is what your child desperately needs - and this is your job, this is the whole reason you're here on earth parenting this child, to get him the help he needs. You know the alternative is far, far worse. Most importantly, you know that it will work. He will be okay someday. If you do this, he will be okay.

And still you sit on the train, tears in your eyes. I can't do this, you think. I can't do this. I can't do this. I just did.



12 comments:

shanna said...

So hard. I truly have no idea how hard, but I grok that it's hard. Big hug, or hand-holding, or drink - whatever it is that you need.

Jacquie | After Words said...

Wishing I could reach out and give you a big hug.

Jody said...

I'm so sorry. I don't know the context or the build-up or anything really, but I absolutely trust that you are doing the very best job for Bet, and getting him what he needs. He is lucky to have you as a mom, and you are blessed to have him as a son. (I hope that doesn't sound like ignorant tripe.) I hope it gets better, ASAP.

jane said...

My hero, as ever.

electriclady said...

You can do this. You're already doing it, "it" meaning being the mother he needs. Big hugs to you.

Tine said...

You're doing an amazing job. You are exactly the mother Bet needs. You're inspiring me to do a better job of dealing with my own son's issues.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry this is so rough. Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

MsPrufrock said...

I thought parenting a baby was hard, but I feel as if the decisions I am making concerning P are much more "real" now that she is no longer an infant/toddler. You are doing what you can to help your son - there is tremendous strength in that.

Same Nice Person said...

I'm so sorry.

But also:

Kol hakavod!

LC said...

more cyber-support coming your way.

Beverly said...

Ohhh, it never can be easy, huh? :(

(another) karen said...

Shalom PPhone,

I found u again again through a comment u left on julie's last past. I followed u when u were in the throws of IF and remember being so happy for u when u brought the boys home! Not sure how i lost track of you after that, but glad to find u again.

So, so sorry to hear about your sister. Thinking of you, also, in your struggles with doing "the best thing" for Bet, as if any of us can really know, in advance, what that is.

Wishing you comfort and peace, however they may come.

Karen