Wednesday, June 15, 2011

BET: "was that when we were a baby?"

(The Year In Quotes.)

BET: I want what I want. Those are the rules of me.

PPHONE: So, do you think your stuffed animals had a good time in Vermont?
ALEPH: Well, Elmo likes to see new places. Brown Bear & Winnie the Pooh, I don't know.

ALEPH: Welcome to my ice cream store. What flavor would you like?
PPHONE: Cookies & cream, please.
ALEPH: Oh sorry Eema, that has sulfa* in it.
[*In case not obvious, Persephone is allergic to sulfa.]
PPHONE: Oh. Well, what flavor do you have that's safe for me to eat?
ALEPH: [smiling ruefully] Actually, I just realized...all our flavors have sulfa in them.

BET: I'm angry with you.
ALEPH: I'm angry with you.
BET: I'm angrier.
ALEPH: I'm angrier.
BET: I'm angriest.
ALEPH: I'm angriest.
BET: I'm angriest OF ALL.

PPHONE: These are really hard questions, Aleph. I don't know.
ALEPH: [sigh] All right, if you just answer *one* hard one, I will ask you easier questions.

[after battling Bet into bed]
PPHONE: Do you have a last thing to say before quiet time?
BET: I'm going to say...that you're not my mommy anymore.
PPHONE: Is that your last thing?
BET: That's *part* of my last thing. The next part is a knock knock joke.

BET: Abba, can you pretend you're a bad guy?
LANCE [reading newspaper]: No.
BET: How about a bad guy who just reads the paper?

FEEDING THERAPIST: Good for you for trying cottage cheese, Bet. That's not my favorite either.
BET: Then you should have some too!
BET: Sure! Everybody should try new things.
FEEDING THERAPIST: Heh. You're right. Okay. [warily takes a bite]
BET: [perky] How is it?

BET: Eema, can Hashem fly?
PPHONE: Well, I guess He could, but He doesn't need to. He's already everywhere.
BET: Because he's so big?
PPHONE: ...Right.
ALEPH: You mean He's wide.
BET: You mean He's fat.

BET: When a candle burns out, it's not alive anymore, right?
PPHONE: Well, uh, it was never alive.
BET: But Gd can still see it, right?

[subway-loving kid at the supermarket]
ALEPH: Can we go to the express line, Eema? Wait, I think we have too many things for express. We better get on the local.

[Superman II: A Summary, by Aleph.]
When he gives up his powers, he can be hurt by normal things, but not kryptonite. When he gets his powers back, he can be hurt by *kryptonite*, but *not* normal things.

BET: [bops Lance in face with balloon]
BET: sorry.
BET: uh oh.

ALEPH: [with yogurt drip on shirt] Eema, can you take this shirt off me? I need to go to the bathroom.
PPHONE: Okay, but...why do you need to take it off for that?
ALEPH: beCAUSE. [flaps hands wildly] It's too YOGURTY.

PPHONE: [nixes 2nd video]
PPHONE: [nixes 3rd tuna melt]
PPHONE: [nixes chocolate milk 2 hrs early]
BET: [sadly] Eema. You're giving me a very hard time today.

ALEPH: Abba, if Superman saw a kind of candy that he'd never seen before, he would have to make sure there's no kryptonite in it. He'd have to say, "Is this kryptonite-free?"

BET [at bedtime]: "Shazaam…oh." [tries again] "Shema…"

BET: I'm all out of cute!
PPHONE: [Oh I think not.]

PPHONE: Aleph, what are you DOING to your hair?
ALEPH: Putting cheese in it! [is this a trick question?]

BET: Eema, you're so cozy. Can I sleep inside your shirt?

ALEPH: [thoughtfully] The water doesn't taste *so* bad with spit.

[boys march into kitchen]
PPHONE: Yes. Yes I did.
[march back out]

ALEPH: There's a lady pirate!
PPHONE: What are you gonna do?
ALEPH: I will point her with a pointy stick!
PPHONE: [isn't this a Monty Python routine?]
ALEPH: And then drown her at the bottom of the water! And break her feet!!
PPHONE: Uh, I don't think you need to do both.
ALEPH: Please can I?

BET: Abba, why do you have hair on your...uh, everywhere?

ALEPH: Actually, I just thought of something kind of crazy!

BET: [building a house] I need 4 more squares.
ALEPH: Allllllll riiiiiight lemme see what I can do.

PPHONE: [to naked son] Bet, can I bring you some underpants?
BET: [magnanimously] Sure! If you want!

BET: Eema, maybe you could sleep with me the whole night for my *birthday*.
PPHONE: I don't think so.
BET: But MAYBE, right?

VISITING NIECE: Does Bet have something against pants?

ALEPH: But WHY aren't fairies real?
PPHONE: I don't know.
ALEPH: I think there should be some kind of way to invent one. How do you invent a fairy?
PPHONE: I don't know.
ALEPH: But how do you THINK?

ALEPH: Eema, why is my room arranged like this?

[sigh. good morning, young Stephen King.]
BET: [trailing fingers on my face] Spiders are crawling on you! Trying to get in your mouth!

BET: We're playing superfriends and I was wondering if you would like to be Wonder Woman. Because…you're a woman.

BET: [wearing cape, obviously] Superman needs you to clean his hands. Because he ate a LOT of macaroni and cheese.

ALEPH: I wonder what's going on in the Bronx right now.

BET: Eema, we don't have to cooperate with you all the time. Know why? Cause Abba said it's okay to make mistakes.

ALEPH: Eema, I guess you were right.
PPHONE: About what?
ALEPH: [sigh.] I don't know.

ALEPH: Eema, what do you think is going on in France right now?

BET: I just need a hug. A hug that never ends.
PPHONE: [hugs]
BET: Actually one that does end. But…not yet.

ALEPH: [on his first comic book] So it's

ALEPH [to hosts]: If you don't want us to look in all your rooms, why did you invite us over?

PPHONE: [looking for specific Lego piece]
ALEPH: [pointing to random pile of Lego] My mind tells me it's in there.

EEMA: Don't touch that.
BET: I'm not touching, I'm just looking with my fingers.

ALEPH: So uh, Supper Lady? This is kind of good.

BET: I'm gonna cut that bad guy's head off! [aside] Do you have a scissor?

BET: [out of bed after bedtime after a very, very long day]
PPHONE & LANCE: [glaring]
BET: I just have a little problem.
PPHONE & LANCE: [still glaring] What's the problem?
BET: I...miss you guys.


PPHONE: Bet, go to the bathroom.
BET: [teenage sigh] I'm TIRED of that! Why do I have to do that all the TIME!

PPHONE: Bet, did you hear me? Why aren't you going the other way around the sofa?
BET: BeCAUSE! There's a lot of pee over there!

BET: I have a yellow beak, I waddle when I walk, and I'm covered with white fur. I must be a....?
BET: I was thinking of pigs.
ALEPH: But pigs don't waddle when they walk.
PPHONE: And they don't have yellow beaks.
BET: I know, but I was *thinking* of them.

BET: [singing] when criminals in this world appear to break the laws that they should fear the call goes out both far and near for UNNNDERPANTS

BET: I wish I was half me and half Aleph.
BET: I don't want to be me *forever*.

ALEPH: Is there such a thing as a Hebrew muffin?

BET: Can I tell you about the time I was a shepherd?

ALEPH: Eema, it's really not comfortable the way you're holding me! But it's probably not you. It's me.
ALEPH: I mean it's my shirt.

overheard from kids' room:
[BANG] Flash hits a window! It doesn't break! [BANG] Flash hits it again!

BET: You know what superhero you are? HotGirl.
PPHONE: WHAT!? [tries to stop laughing] What's HotGirl's superpower?
BET: She makes things hot.

PPHONE: Bet, what did you get to do as Shabbos Abba?
BET: I was *really* nice to the Shabbos Eema.

ALEPH: So, is Green Eggs and Ham the The Cat in the Hat?

BET: [about to climb onto my lap]
PPHONE: Are your pants dry?
BET: Yes!
PPHONE: Then you can sit on my lap.
BET: [climbs up] They're *mostly* dry!

BET: More kisses. More. More. More more more more more more more more more more okay one more. And now last one. Okay.

BET: Eema, does a time machine have batteries?
EEMA: Uh…no, it probably has a flux capacitor.
BET: *That's* the problem, Aleph. It needs a flux capacitor.

BET: Where does it hurt?
EEMA: All across here. [indicates forehead]
BET: [deep breath] Okay. I'll start from the corner. [begins kissing]

BET: [putting what looks like...elephant tusks? on his lego car]
PPHONE: What are those?
BET: Horns! Beep beep!

ALEPH: Abba, if you *love* Bet, you should really let him do what he wants.

ALEPH: Eema?
ALEPH: What can you do for me?

[listening to TMBG's Here Comes Science]
BET: I'm elephant man! I'm made of elements!
BET: Wanna feel my elements?
PPHONE: [trying to stop laughing] Elements are too small to feel.
BET: But mine are really *big*.

BET: [screaming] Aleph! Aleph! Aaaalleeeeeeph!
ALEPH: I'll be with you in a moment.

BET: If you're not going to eat your mac & cheese, should I?
ALEPH: That's up to you. I don't care *what* you do. [pause] Unless it's mean.

BET: Eema, let's have a hug.
PPHONE: [hugs]
BET: Let's go to the bed and have hugs. Come on, Eema. Let's lie down and hug.

BET: I'm afraid of something.
BET: My skeleton is so strong. What if it punches its way out of my body?

PPHONE: Can I have a hug?
ALEPH [scornful]: No!
ALEPH: ...[grin] because YES!

Bet's class has an every-snowflake-is-unique bulletin board.
Bet's quote says: "I'm special because I don't eat too much."

ALEPH: Eema, there's bear prints in the hallway!
PPHONE: Bear prints? How did a bear get in the hallway?
ALEPH: Well, they might have been giant chicken prints. It was dark. I couldn't tell.

BET: [runs out]
ALEPH: [runs out after him, points dramatically] to the EXPERIMENTS!
BET: [runs back in]

ALEPH: I might have a little bit of a pretend fever.

overheard [reading 10 Minutes Til Bedtime to each other]:
-So many hamsters!
-Eema would be really upset.
-Yeah, Eema would be really upset.

BET: Sleep is too boring.
EEMA: It's good to be bored sometimes. That's called 'downtime.'
ALEPH: [outraged disbelief] Good?! To be bored?!?

[arranged Bet's strawberry slices to look like a flower.]
ALEPH: Can you make mine look like a gun?
ALEPH: Or like a daled! A daled is the shape of a gun.

BET: Wanna see my trick?
[puts laden spoon into mouth; takes out empty spoon]
BET: No. It's *science*.

BET [to grandparents, with big smile, clearly expecting praise]: I don't *want* to kiss you good night, but I'm going to anyway!

BET: Eema, we gotta figure this out or I'll whine. And I *know* you don't want me to *whine*.

ALEPH: [leaps into kitchen, brandishing swords at me] I'll take care of the woman!
BET: [whispers] Make sure she doesn't see you!

ALEPH: It's just, like [SOB] really *upsetting* for me [SOB] when you don't do what I *want*

BET: Stop! You're bothering me!
ALEPH: You never let me do anything I want!
BET: Everything you want to do *bothers me*!

BET [to Aleph]: Can I tell you something? I'm your sidekick.

BET: Let's play Pesach again! But this time the Egyptians are the good guys and the Jews are the bad guys.

BET: I'm hungry.
PPHONE: There's some grapes left from yesterday, do you want some?
BET: [decidedly] No, I don't eat grapes from yesterday.

ALEPH: Your body's waterproof, right? Water can't get through your body. *Nothing* can get through your body. Wellllllll, maybe a pickax.

ALEPH: [singing to self] life is my favorite, life is my favorite
ZAIDY: [enters] You're eating grapefruit! That's one of my favorite things.
ALEPH: I bet not as much as being *alive*! Okay, choose which one is your favorite: having a lot of grapefruits in the house, or STAYING ALIVE.

BET: You never let me watch videos as much as I want!
[note: he watched 3+ hrs today.]
PPHONE: Bet, I told you. no more talking about videos.
BET: I'm not talking about *videos*. I'm talking about how I *feel* about them.

ALEPH: Come on Bet, let's pillow fight the window! *THWACK*

PPHONE: Look, I made my batcycle some wings.
ALEPH: That was clever of you, Eema.

BET: [nauseous] You know what I feel like? You know what I *feel* like?
PPHONE: [looks wildly for bucket] What? What???
BET: I feel like watching a VIDEO.

LANCE: [leaves message and hangs up phone]
ALEPH: Wait, wait! [hopefully] Can we press 1 for more options?

ALEPH [to our guest]: Rochel…you're not boring.

ALEPH: I'll stop if you stop SCREAMING IN MY EAR!
BET: Okay.


5 years old. Still funny. Bring it on, Year 6.