Tuesday, July 19, 2011

last fruits

Hey, you guys. Thank you more than I can say for your thoughtful, kind comments on my last post.

Fair warning for anyone struggling with infertility: this may be hard for you to read. Please know that I hesitated for years before writing about this, not wanting to hurt you. And I wouldn't write about it now either, unless I needed to.

I am sad again today. Today we signed the agreement to thaw our remaining embryos.

I won't go into details, because they concern other people besides me. But I will say that we worked long & hard to donate these embryos, and we've finally hit an obstacle none of us can surmount.

I'm kind of stunned, after all the obstacles we did surmount.

I'm kind of angry: there are so many families out there besides ours, grieving the loss of a child or sibling to forces beyond their control - illness, accident, murder - you read the papers, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. And this is something we COULD have done. We could have brought some life into the world, instead of all this death. To have that chance taken out of our hands too feels a little like another death. Such a pointless waste.

And I'm just, well, sad. I made my peace with not having more children long ago...in theory. This is a lot more concrete. And final. And hard.

So I'm thanking Gd for the gifts I've been given. And hoping He understands if I cry a little, while turning the rest of them away.

8 comments:

C said...

Just sitting here, being a little sad with you.

Tine said...

I'm sorry for this added grief, Persephone. I think you've had quite enough grief now. It's time for the skies to start hurling rainbows at you. ((hug))

Anonymous said...

sad for all of you.

xo

projgen said...

I so want to yell, "NO! WAIT!" because it just seems like COME ON, there's got to be something else, right? Why didn't this ultimate gift work out?

Stunned & angry & sad. That about sums it up. I'm trying so hard not to go down the "it's not fair!" road. You're beautiful people, you are.

Jody said...

I'm sorry. I wish it had worked out for all of you.

Lut C. said...

I'm sorry the donation didn't work out. That must be hard for you.

Thinking of you.

LC said...

{{{hugs}}}

Thalia said...

That is really sad, Persephone. Very cruel to have yet more loss when you have already endured so much loss this year. Thinking of you.