Another small piece fell into place for me.
I forget, sometimes, it's not just that Aleph doesn't like the way I hold him. I don't like to talk about it; maybe I don't like to think about it. But I'm kind of afraid of holding him. Because I think he might reject my touch, yes, but also because of the way he rejects my touch: throwing my arm off, jerking his head upward or his body backward...I don't think he has any idea he's hurting me, but yes. I'm afraid he's going to hurt me.
And I just realized: I don't know if he's trying to thrash. I don't even know, for sure, if he's trying to reject my touch - or at least not as vehemently as I thought. Because it is entirely consistent for a sensory-seeking child to touch too hard.
I think, looking back, there are times he pushes me away when he's not upset with me at all. He's just done with the hug, and that's how he ends it. And all along I've been filing that under "Aleph doesn't like it when I hug him."
I can't even explain what a revelation this is for me.
I don't want to go overboard with it, either. I don't meant to reduce Aleph, or even my relationship with Aleph, to sensory issues. Yes, it hurts that so often I can't comfort him, and yes, it makes me doubt that I've given him a secure emotional base. But I know he wouldn't keep coming to me for comfort if he didn't trust me to at least...be there for him. I know he loves me. He knows I love him.
Still. Can you imagine what it would be like to bond with your child, when you don't think he wants you to touch him? When you're afraid to hug him unless he requests it? When you never, ever give him an unexpected kiss?
There's a...body trust between us, these days, that I can't remember being there before. He leans on me, relaxed and affectionate. He's almost snuggling. I don't know if it reflects something I'm doing better, or if it's more about what it does for me. Just as I don't know if things got better because Aleph figured out that he needed tight hugs, or if he was only able to figure that out because things got better.
Maybe this ease in physical affection means more to me than it does to him. But if it's healing something profound in me, that has to affect him in turn, too.
Whatever the explanation, I'm grateful.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
Wow. I don't even know what to say to this. I know from my own experience how rejected I feel when little kids - who aren't even *related* to me - throw off my hugs, even while intellectually understanding that they are not rejecting me. I can't even imagine how that would feel as a mom. I'm so... something. Happy for you? That just doesn't really verbalize it for me.
Funny thing is, you sound so calm and logical about it, and I just want to cry and give *you* a big hug. And just fyi - I know for a fact I am *not* PMSing, so I can't blame my over-emotional-ness on that :)
Just know that I feel your pain...and have the bruises to prove it. Also: have you read Sensational Kids?
Have you heard about Temple Grandin? She is an amazing woman. She invented a machine that will give her a tight squeeze when she needs one.
Oh, P. This is lovely. I'm so happy about the relaxing into you. The healing it brings. xx
Wow that was a powerful post. I wish you much love in your life and many hugs. Best wishes on your's and your son's healing.
My daughter was a cuddle bug from the beginning, so when my son came along and was often uninterested in my embraces or hugs (sometimes I felt like I just couldn't hold him right and I had no idea what he wanted), and I too felt quite rejected because at some point it's obvious, though logic and time proved otherwise. I remember one particular time when he was just shy of a year old (he couldn't walk yet)~ I was sitting in a chair and I picked him up to sit with me and play a bit. He refused to be held. He wiggled off my lap and sat down in the small, hard space between me and the edge of the chair, and he just sat there... It was what he preferred over me, and I'm not sure why. I am happy to say that he's now a sweet, loving, and YES, very cuddly 4 year old. =) Hang in there!...
Wallpapers for blogger : http://artsdco.blogspot.com/
Post a Comment