Tuesday, July 28, 2009

thank goodness shanna sent peanut-free chocolate

What's more fun than finding one of your boys beating the other one on the head with a metal* Thomas when you're not looking?

Having him stare you in the face while he beats the other one on the head the next time.

Runner up: having the other boy pee on the fabric** seat of a city bus. ...Twice. Ten minutes after you finished cleaning up the first time. In front of mostly the same people.

I'm kind of wishing for the days when all he peed on was the contents of the refrigerator.

*Really, who thought was this a good idea??
**Really, who???

Sunday, July 26, 2009

file under: unsubscribe. PLEASE.

In an effort to refrain from saying all the things I'm THINKING about the latest ad pitch in my mailbox, I'm going to take One Tired Ema's advice. "You gotta blog about breasts more. You don't see anyone asking me to advertise for 40 days davening at the kotel."

All right, all right, that's totally not what she said. Hope this works anyway:

***

ALEPH: [eyeing my tank top] Mine are like yours, except... yours are ...thicker, and mine are thinner.

***

BET: [looking down at his bare chest] Eema, what are these?

EEMA: Nipples.

BET: But what are they?

EEMA: They're part of your body! Everyone has them.

BET: Can I see yours?

EEMA: No, sweetie. They're a private part of my body.

BET: Well, can you put a shirt on me? ...so I don't have to worry about them?

***

Ah, how quickly they forget. (And these are children who nursed till they were almost two!)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

you know, if that's working for you, it works for me

Scene: On our way to the basement to get the laundry. The boys are allowed to run ahead of me down the hall, as long as they stop when they get to the elevator.

BET: [skids to a halt] IIIIIIIIIIIIII'm first!

ALEPH: [right behind him] IIIIIIIIIIIIII'm pretend first!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Thursday, July 16, 2009

abba, deer tamer

The following is an amalgam of fact, legend, and the wild imagination of Bet. Bet wasn't even there when this happened. (Can you tell?)

"Once upon a time, Aleph and Abba kissed the Torah [in shul], and then they went out to the parking lot, and there was a no good, very bad, scary deer."

[Eema: How did you know it was a very bad deer?]

"It had a lot of sharp teeth. And then Abba went right up to the deer and gave him nose-to-nose. And it jumped SO HIGH in the air! And then it ran away."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

the secret

Broke the news to my children today. Well, I think deep down they already knew, but they didn't want to face it.

Here it is:

EEMA

CAN ONLY

DO

ONE THING

AT A TIME.

After an initial period of shock, disillusionment, life will never be the same, etc., they allowed as how this did explain a few things:

1. why Eema is always saying "Hold on, I'm talking to/getting something for/carrying your brother. Hold on. YES, I HEARD YOU. HOLD ON",

2. why their every desire is not instantly fulfilled,

etc.

Whew. A heavy scene, to be sure, but good to get it out in the open. I'm hoping for at least a couple days' relief before someone spills the other secret:

"Everyone else's Eema can do three things at once, why can't you??"

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

in funnier news

Scene: Walking out of the subway.

BET: Look, somebody dropped a cheerio!

EEMA: Yeah, I guess they did.

BET: Somebody's like, hey, where's my cheerio!